Dealing with a toxic spouse is difficult. You feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells.
You ask yourself all the time. And you never know when the next argument will explode out of nowhere.
It becomes impossible to live this way.
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Every relationship has its natural ups and downs, but toxic relationships are almost constantly down.
Toxicity can happen without you even knowing what’s going on, until one day you realize that you never feel truly happy.
You’ll never feel completely at peace, because you’re always worrying when the next class will blow up.
Because it’s so fixed, you won’t have the space to really think about what you want, whether that’s how you want to live or whether you should leave.
You just want to go back to the way it was before, when you fell in love, went on fun dates, and felt like you were always on the same team.
No matter how toxic your relationship has become, there can be a path back to happiness.
But getting there will require some serious thinking and perhaps some difficult choices.
This is scary, and you may find yourself wondering: Is it really that bad? Is it really toxic, or am I just exaggerating?
In this article, we will first tell you the signs that your husband is toxic, so you can decide for yourself whether he is toxic or not.
Then we’ll look at what you can do about it, how to decide to stay and what you can do to leave if you decide that’s what you need to do.
#What are the signs that your husband is toxic?
When you think your husband might be toxic, you often end up doubting yourself. Review this list of 11 signs so you can decide for yourself whether or not it is truly toxic.
1. You have no say in decisions
Toxicity often manifests as controlling and possessive behavior.
Do you find that you can never choose what happens, even about the little things?
Does your husband always have to choose what to have for dinner, even though you’re the one doing the cooking?
Is your choice of clothing criticized, so that you always end up changing?
Do you always have to go to bed at the same time as him, or will he be grumpy all the next day?
These may seem like small things, but they are often part of a bigger picture.
A husband who keeps telling you he hates your clothes probably won’t be happy about taking the lead on bigger decisions either.
Or worse, he may not want you to have an opinion at all.
What happens if you talk about the future? Are you too afraid to even mention it?
Maybe you’ve always dreamed of moving out of town and thought he did too, but now he refuses to even discuss it?
Or maybe you wanted to have children and got married after you planned it, but now he acts as if you never mentioned it before (leaving you sad and heartbroken)?
This doesn’t mean you always have to agree. It’s not that he can’t change his mind.
But in healthy relationships, there is always a willingness to discuss and compromise on decisions, whether big or small.
In a toxic relationship, you end up agreeing to what he wants because you’re afraid of the repercussions if you don’t.
2. You feel depressed and tired all the time
You will feel like the toxic relationship is draining your life. Does this sound familiar?
If you feel like you can’t get enough sleep, even though you slept for 9 hours, this is a sign that something is wrong.
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Or if you constantly feel down and find it difficult to enjoy things that used to bring you joy, then something is wrong.
These feelings don’t always result from a toxic relationship, but they don’t come out of nowhere. Be honest with yourself about why this is happening to you.
3. Your friends are always trying to tell you that something is wrong
Oftentimes, your friends will be able to tell that you are in a toxic relationship before you can, especially if they are friends who knew you before you started the relationship.
If they see you go from a happy, sociable person to someone who rarely socializes and doesn’t seem to have the same love for life they used to, they’ll know why.
Think about conversations you’ve had with friends recently. Did they mention your husband? Or do you always feel like they don’t like it?
They care about your interests, so it pays to listen to what they have to say (even if it hurts).
4. He tries to prevent you from seeing your friends
Since your friends will almost always know if something is wrong, a toxic spouse probably won’t be too keen on you seeing your friends.
Do you find that your husband keeps looking for excuses to join you on an evening out with your frien
Is there always a reason you have to cancel that long-awaited girls’ dinner?
Does he refuse to host a barbecue or dinner party at your house, even when you owe a lot of people RSVPs?
A toxic spouse will often try to justify their attempt to isolate you from others as proof of their love for you.
He might tell you that he’s worried that you’ll end up getting too drunk if he’s not there to protect you, or that another man might try to take advantage of that.
He will tell you that he loves you so much that he doesn’t want to be without you, even in the evening.
But in healthy relationships, both partners need space to be themselves, to socialize separately as well as together, and to pursue any hobbies they choose.
5. Your husband is not the person you turn to for support
One of the great things about a healthy, fulfilling relationship is that you are each other’s greatest source of support and guidance. When you hear people say “he’s my rock,” this is what they mean.
In a toxic relationship, you often do everything you can to hide any emotional distress from your husband.
He’s the last person you go to when you need to talk about something, not the first.
You are afraid that if you ask him for support, he will react angrily or simply refuse.
If he also isolates you from your friends, you will have no source of support at all.
He doesn’t like it when you try to improve yourself
Toxic spouses often do everything they can to keep you from socializing with new people, trying new things, or visiting new places.
They are afraid that if you do this, you will turn away from them and have a reason to leave.
Maybe you want to start training for your dream new career, but he makes it clear that he thinks you’ll fail, so don’t bother.
Or maybe you want to start running, but he always finds reasons why you can’t go out for a run.
He may also tell you that by trying to do the thing you want to do, you are ruining your marriage.
He’s afraid and insecure, and his insecurity means he can’t risk feeling like you’re achieving more than him.
He must feel that you are less accomplished and successful than him.
6. You always take the blame
Because a toxic spouse is insecure about themselves, they will always seek to shift the blame onto you.
If he scratches the car while you’re parking it, he’ll tell you it’s your fault for distracting him. If he burns dinner, it will be your fault because you didn’t offer to cook, and you should know that he was very tired.
He is unable to accept responsibility for ordinary accidents and small failures because his fragile ego must believe that he is above criticism.
He will also be overly critical when you make small mistakes. You may be given 24 hours of the silent treatment simply because you forgot to bring food for dinner, for example.
In healthy relationships, both partners accept that they may sometimes make simple mistakes, that this is just part of life, and usually something to laugh together, rather than argue about.
A non-toxic partner will call you over for pizza when you’ve forgotten dinner, then open wine to celebrate your unexpected treat night. He won’t spend hours telling you that you’re terrible.
7. Never have sex…or even cuddle
Toxic relationships are not loving, happy partnerships. It is not surprising that if you are with someone who constantly criticizes you, you will find yourself unwilling to have sex with him.
A lack of emotional intimacy leads to a lack of physical intimacy.
But it’s not just about sex. In a relationship that has become toxic, any kind of physical closeness often stops.
Never share a spontaneous embrace in the kitchen. You eat dinner in silence without really looking at each other.
A toxic spouse may also use sex and intimacy as a tool of control.
He will withhold it as punishment for you doing things he deems “wrong,” and if you do have sex, it can be rough, unemotional, and one-sided. It will not make you feel loved and cherished, but rather exploited. You’re always arguing
Every couple argues sometimes. But in a toxic relationship, you may get into a rollercoaster of constant arguments with extreme highs and lows.
Your relationship and life always feel unstable. You may also find that he keeps breaking up with you after a fight, only to get back together the next day. This makes you always try to keep him happy to avoid the draining make-up and break-up cycle.
Can a marriage to a toxic man be saved?
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Only if both parties in the marriage are willing to talk openly and honestly, and can change.
It’s worth noting, before you try to save your toxic marriage, that many of these marriages cannot be saved.
There is a difference between a toxic marriage and an abusive marriage. If your husband becomes abusive to you or your children (if you have children), you proceed with extreme caution.
If you want to try to save it, be aware that it is very likely that you will not be able to do so.
Experts recommend that if your marriage has become physically abusive, don’t try to save it.
Doing so could put you at risk, and it is important to get out of the marriage to stay safe.
Emotional abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse, so even if your husband is not yet physically abusive, you should be aware that this may change.
Anyone in an abusive marriage should seek professional help.
If you feel like your husband is toxic but not necessarily abusive, there is an opportunity to save your marriage.
It’s worth noting that almost every person is capable of committing some level of toxic or unhealthy behavior in a relationship. Few, if any, relationships are perfect.
The difference between healthy relationships, where people sometimes behave in unhealthy ways, and toxic relationships, is communication.
It’s unlikely that you and your spouse will always be completely aligned on your goals, values, and dreams.
There will always be times when you disagree or have different priorities.
Loving communication and appreciation for each other, both as partners and friends, is what will make the difference in whether or not you can move past the toxicity and re-establish a healthy connection.
Do you think this is possible in your relationship? Talk to your husband. Tell him openly and honestly how you feel when he engages in toxic behavior.
If you feel like he’s constantly criticizing you, talk (when you’re calm, not when you’re angry) about how that makes you feel.
Maybe he’s simply so caught up in his insecurities that he hasn’t stopped to think about how you make him feel.
If he tries to stop you from seeing your friends, talk to him about why your friends are important to you.
He may feel, incorrectly, that your desire to spend time with them means you’re pulling away from him, and he’s worried that he’ll lose you.
These feelings are not necessarily rational on his part and may be the result of deep insecurities that arose in childhood.
Maybe, by recognizing them and talking about them, you can work together to change the toxic patterns you’ve fallen into.
To change your toxic relationship, you must:
Talk openly and honestly about how you feel. Listen to him and ask him to listen to you.
Re-establish your physical connection. Even if you’re tired at the end of a long day, take time to hug each other. The natural endorphins generated by physical touch will go a long way in healing your relationship.
Commit to spending time with each other, feeling grateful for each other’s existence, and respecting each other as friends and partners.
If your spouse is unwilling to do this, it may be time to end the relationship. Not every relationship can be saved, even with counseling.
Remember, you deserve to be happy, and if you have children, they deserve a happy home.
What to do if you have children in a toxic relationship
If you have children with a toxic spouse, it is often tempting to stay in the relationship because you want to keep your family together.
You may also worry that if you leave, your children will have to spend time alone with your toxic husband, without you there to make sure he doesn’t become toxic toward them.
But having children can also be a pressing reason for you to leave a toxic spouse.
Even if you think that the toxicity in your relationship is being kept away from the children and that they are not aware of any disagreements or unhappiness, they are probably absorbing some of the toxicity.
Children whose parents are in a toxic relationship often feel anxious.
If they see their parents as unable to control their emotions, they may feel responsible for soothing those feelings.
They may feel guilty as if it is their fault that their parents are arguing or that they are unhappy. They may compare your relationship to that of their friends’ parents, who often seem happier and more stable.
