It’s really easy to look at someone else’s relationship and spot all the problems going on, right?

But when it comes to yourself, it’s much more difficult.

You have mixed feelings, a shared history, hopes for the future, and a lot going on.

For this reason, it’s difficult to detect when your relationship has gone bad, or worse, your partner has become toxic.

I know this because I was in the exact same situation. I realized too late what was really going on, and now I want to help others recognize the signs of abuse.

So, here are 10 red signs that you are in a controlling relationship. Be brave, dear reader, there is a light at the end of the tunnel…

1) You always ask for permission
Imagine having to ask your friends every time you want to go out for coffee with someone you don’t share – it would seem crazy, wouldn’t it?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but if you’re asking your partner for permission to do things like:

Seeing family or friends
Go out alone
Make personal life choices

You may be in a controlling relationship. The same goes if you need their approval for what you wear or what you eat…

These are all major red flags that may indicate that your partner may be dominating the relationship, and as a result, you are losing your sense of independence.

2) “It’s my way or the highway”
Do you find it difficult to reach a compromise with your partner?

For example, with my ex who was incredibly controlling, I remember trying to negotiate something as simple as who would pick the movie that particular night.

He will never give up – if this isn’t his way, he will start a huge fight.

This is another classic sign of control in a relationship.

The truth is, a healthy partnership is based on respecting each other and compromising when things don’t work out.

But if your partner makes a fuss every time he doesn’t get his way, it’s natural for you to back down. Essentially, he maintains control of the entire situation by manipulating your emotions.

You may find yourself walking around them, just because you know they will make a big deal out of every little thing – that’s no way to live life.

3) Your opinions are never “correct.”
Another red flag in a controlling relationship is that you never do anything right, and your opinions are never valued or listened to.

This is very worrying because if your partner starts making you doubt your decisions and perceptions, you may end up with low self-esteem.

I remember one time I made an innocent comment like, “I love this dress.”

My ex looked at me with a face of disgust and told me I had no idea what I was talking about.

If your ex does the same or criticizes everything you say or do, it’s another cruel attempt to maintain control.

They lower your value and self-esteem to the point that you give up having an opinion or doing anything for yourself!

4) The blame game never ends
“If I had made dinner on time, I wouldn’t be in a bad mood, right?”

Sentences like this make me shiver. They indicate a person who takes no responsibility for his mood or actions and, instead, blames everyone.

So why is this a red flag for controlling a relationship?

Well, by constantly blaming you for everything that goes wrong, your partner is filling you with self-doubt and guilt.

You may really think that you are doing something wrong when in reality, they will be in a bad mood regardless of whether you made dinner on time or not.

Either way, it keeps you right where they want you – under their thumb.

5) Your friends are slowly disappearing from sight
One thing I didn’t realize was happening during my controlling relationship was my friendships disappearing.
It wasn’t obvious because it happened gradually.

But before I knew it, whenever I mentioned seeing a friend, my partner would inevitably have a problem with him…

Either she wasn’t a “good influence” on me, or I was making him feel left out by going out without him.

Now I understand how this was another form of control:

By isolating me, he knew I wouldn’t be able to run away to my friends once things got bad. I will feel lonely. Naturally, I became more dependent on him.

Does all this sound familiar to you?

If so, it’s time to think long and hard about your relationship. It’s okay to hate your partner’s friends, but is it preventing them from seeing them or having a social life altogether?

This sounds like control to me!

6) Public humiliation became the norm
Another red flag to look out for is public humiliation…
Not only is this sign controlling, but it shows a complete lack of respect.

If your partner:

He openly compares you to others, “Why can’t you be more like her, she’s so fun!”

“Honestly, you’re so stupid sometimes,” he makes mean remarks.
It prevents you from making your own decisions, “Don’t think about it, I already said you can’t have another drink.”

They use humiliation to slaughter your self-esteem. As I mentioned earlier, this is another tactic used to control you.

Because without self-esteem, you will find it difficult to be confident and independent. Instead, you will depend more and more on your partner, which is exactly what they want.

7) Your partner shines for you
Gaslighting occurs when someone makes you doubt your memories or emotions.

My ex used this routinely. We would argue, and when I would bring up something harsh he said, he would completely deny it.

I would feel completely confused… It got to the point where I started questioning my thoughts and memories.

This is a very scary place. You feel like you are losing your grip on reality.

And all those feelings; Fear, confusion, helplessness, and isolation directly feed your partner’s desire to control you.

8) You feel like you are being watched 24/7

Now, as much as gaslighting makes you feel desperate, being watched all the time will make you feel like a criminal being investigated by the FBI.

If your partner:

Constantly checks your phone
He wants all the passwords to your social media
He needs to know where you are and with whom
Tracks the amount of time you spend when you are away from home

These are all major control flags. This is not normal behavior in a relationship.

Sure, some couples may use each other’s phones from time to time. Most will check in with each other throughout the day when they are both out.

But it should never be a requirement.

Whether your partner is extremely jealous or has other issues, it’s important for you to know that your controlling game isn’t healthy.

9) Silent treatment is used as a weapon
Ah, the dreaded cold shoulder.

If you’ve been in a controlling relationship, you’re probably used to experiencing this.

I actually thought it was normal until I realized it’s a weapon used to punish you when your attacker doesn’t get their way.

My ex-boyfriend would ignore me for days on end, sometimes insisting that I “beg” for his forgiveness before we could go back to normal.

Personally, I think abusers do this for two reasons:

To play with your emotions and keep you on edge. This helps them maintain control, because ultimately, only they can decide when a cold snap ends.
To hurt you. It is simply a way to punish you. In fact, some studies have shown that ignoring someone you love can cause physical pain. These abusers know what they are doing.

Instead of speaking rationally about the issues, they prefer to keep you in the dark. This is not only unhealthy, it is completely disrespectful and harmful!

10) Your partner keeps trying to change you
Do you recognize yourself when you look in the mirror?

I’m not asking to make you uncomfortable, but to realize if your partner is changing you, piece by piece.

It might start with something like, “Oh, but you’d look better if you wore this,” and eventually lead to, “You can’t think of that, what’s wrong with you?”

Hello, red flag.

This is the complete opposite of unconditional love. Trying to change who you are as a person, or the way you dress, is basically their way of controlling you.

They no longer just watch where you go or who you talk to, they now want to have a say in everything you think, wear or do.

Trust me, no matter how hard you try to please them, it will never be enough.

You are in a controlling relationship, what now?

If you get to the end of the list with a knot in your stomach, and your worst fears are confirmed, don’t worry. You know how hard it is to be in this situation, the person you love doing the worst possible thing to you.

It may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m here to remind you that there is.

I got out of my controlling relationship by taking it one step at a time.

The first was reaching out to old, trusted friends and family members who I knew would support me. You should do the same – a support network will make a huge difference.

From there, you can begin to rebuild your self-confidence and distance yourself from your partner.

But remember, if you feel in physical danger, call the police. This doesn’t have to be your life, you deserve a relationship full of respect and love!

You are in a controlling relationship, what now?

Trending now