When you first fall in love, isn’t that a great thing?
Your heart beats just thinking about them. You can’t get enough of their faces, their touch, their smell…!
But after the promotional period ends, things start to get real. This is the time when the clouds lift and you start seeing each other for real.
For many people, this is a wonderful thing, and you will fall in love more deeply. But for others, not so much.
Many people who start smothering you with love and affection will change and start manipulating you. These users do this on purpose – they want to exploit you but also keep you around.
They always want to get their way and will do whatever they need to do to make it possible.
Look familiar?
If you suspect something is up, these eight signs that you’re being unintentionally manipulated in your relationship could serve as red flags telling you to get out of the situation.
1) I was love-bombed early on
A manipulator is usually looking for someone they can target to manipulate them. They look for good people who please them, preferably with low self-esteem.
Once they have you in their sights, the manipulation begins with a bang.
Related : If someone displays these 8 behaviors, they’re a master manipulator
Love bombing is a strategy that many manipulators use for very good reason.
It works.
What they do is almost suffocate you with love and attention at the beginning of the relationship. They send you flowers, buy you gifts, take you away to romantic places, and send you sweet messages throughout the day.
They make you feel special, and that creates a connection, which is what they are looking for. Later, no matter how badly they treated you, they can always point to that time they made you feel amazing and use that to keep you hanging on.
Love bombing is the bait, and now they’ve got you.
This makes you prey, of course.
2) You often feel guilty
Why do manipulators look for good people to connect with?
That’s because this is exactly the type of person who makes it easy to feel guilty.
They are the type of people who try to please their partners and can easily be made to feel guilty for not doing the smallest things to that end.
I have a friend whose sister always does this exact thing, and it’s not necessarily just used in a romantic relationship.
She’s a lot younger, and when he was a teenager, he basically had to raise her. But now that they’re grown up, she’s still always asking him to do things for her—things she can clearly do herself.
If he does, you’ll keep asking. If he doesn’t, you will fall into a guilt trip.
She’ll say things like, “That’s cool. If you don’t care about me, I guess I’ll find someone who will.”
This kind of guilt, unfortunately, is straight out of Manipulation 101.
3) They have no problems giving you the silent treatment
What other way could your relationship be inadvertently being manipulated?
How about turning affection and attention on and off like a faucet?
Some people stay silent when they feel angry as a way to prevent themselves from getting emotional and saying things they don’t mean.
But the real silent treatment goes much deeper than that. It is a complete denial of interest in a partner in order to make them feel bad.
The manipulator will use this technique to try to make you feel guilty and/or get you to pay more attention to them.
This usually works too, because their people-pleasing victims will eventually break down and start doing anything to please them and break their silence.
But what they don’t realize is that they are playing into the hands of the manipulator.
4) They play the victim
People who are secretly manipulative are, by definition, good at tricking you.
They do not act honestly, they play whatever role may benefit them in every situation.
So, while it is sometimes beneficial for them to play the role of a strong leader, other times they will play the victim.
They will do something wrong and then change it and make it seem like they were the one who was hurt in the whole thing.
Here’s an example: Imagine that your partner starts flying under the radar frequently and coming home very late without any reasonable explanation.
If you confront them and ask them what’s going on, they turn things around and accuse you of not trusting them. They will look completely hurt and humiliated and will attract all your attention to that. What they were doing then slips through the cracks.
This is the power of playing the victim – it inadvertently produces empathy in your partner and gets them off the hook.
5) They are always competing with you
What’s another big sign of manipulation in a relationship?
Competition is in almost every aspect of your life.
Hi, I know many couples are into some things and sometimes like to compete for fun or stimulate each other.
But it’s different with a master manipulator. They try to keep you under their thumb, and that makes them always want to push you down.
Related : 15 subtle signs you’re dealing with a manipulative friend
They do not share in the happiness of your successes. Instead, they always try to one-up you to show that they are better than you.
If they can make you feel that way, ultimately, they can keep you needing and looking up to them.
So, if you’re happy with an accomplishment and share it with your partner just for them to tell you how they did something better, be careful. This is a sign that you are being unwittingly manipulated in your relationship.
6) They always push your buttons
The only thing manipulators are good at is pushing buttons.
This is their way of controlling you, and generally makes them feel very successful at what they are trying to do, which is controlling your emotions.
They will prod and push you, looking for your weaknesses so they can exploit them. The dangerous thing is that you allow them to do this because being open and vulnerable is supposed to be the way to build intimacy in a relationship.
But once you do, you can be taken advantage of.
If you’re too positive and independent, they might push a button that makes you feel bad about yourself. They will do this by commenting on your weight or your failures at work, for example.
Other times, they will do something to make you angry on purpose so they can turn around and play the victim. They will get so emotional that it will make you look bad, and they will look hurt.
They secretly know all the ways to manipulate your emotions to their advantage.
7) They convince you to give up things for them
We all get into relationships that become complex and difficult to manage. Maybe you’re juggling work, a side project, family life, hobbies, other activities, and relationships, all at the same time.
For most of us, it is normal that we sometimes choose and give up doing something we love because we don’t have time to do everything we want.
However, a manipulator will try to get you to give up your interests for him, but he will not give up things for you.
They’ll also help convince you that stopping going to yoga class or giving up the Tuesday night card game was your idea.
What they want is to control you and your time. They want to make sure you are always available when they need you.
If that means you give up parts of your life for them, so be it.
8) They don’t approve of who you want to spend time with
It’s not surprising that people in a relationship don’t like all of each other’s friends and acquaintances.
In fact, it would be really weird if that weren’t the case.
I know there are people my partner goes out with that I don’t have time for, and I know she can’t stand a few of my friends.
It’s okay, we still spend time with these people sometimes, but we don’t invite each other over and we don’t really talk about them.
That’s it.
But if you’re in a relationship with a manipulative person, you better believe he won’t be happy with such a setup. They want to control your life and this includes the people in it.
However, they may not come out right away and prevent you from seeing people. Instead, they may be more ambiguous about the whole matter.
They will spread rumors and gossip to make people they don’t like seem unattractive. They will express their disagreement with things they know these people do without naming them specifically.
It’s all designed to control who you spend time with.
Conclusion
Are these 8 signs you’re being unintentionally manipulated in your relationship suddenly ringing any bells?
If so, you will have to consider where you stand in this relationship and whether it is actually making a healthy and positive contribution to your life.
If not, it may be time to move out.
