Trust is the foundation of every great relationship.
Unfortunately, it’s also something many of us struggle with.
Regardless of whether you’ve had some traumatic experiences in the past, if you have an insecure attachment style, or if you struggle with self-esteem issues, you may find yourself at one point or another testing your partner’s loyalty.
These mind games rarely end well, and only put unnecessary pressure on the relationship dynamic, but that doesn’t stop us from playing them.
Do you know what could be, though?
self conscious.
Once you learn to recognize when you are playing a game, you will be better able to put an end to it. Here are 9 mind games couples play to test each other’s loyalty.
1) Texting game
“He texted me six hours later. I now have to ignore him for at least two years.
“She hasn’t texted all day. I won’t contact her until she texts me herself because I text her the first 70% of the time.
Texting games may seem completely logical while you’re at it — it’s partly about giving your partner space, keeping your dignity intact, and not appearing too desperate — but they’re actually just meaningless mind games that negatively impact your well-being.
While it’s perfectly fine to take some space for yourself and not initiate contact, the fact that you’re sitting next to your phone all day waiting for it to beep kind of defeats the purpose.
We may not want to admit it, but most texting games are just about testing our partners’ loyalty and interests.
Although it’s normal to have doubts from time to time, it’s better to sit down and talk about them than to play a game your partner doesn’t know about.
2) The trick question
My girlfriend sometimes likes to ask her boyfriend: “What do you think about this girl’s hair?” Or “This woman is very beautiful. Do you think so too?”
The thing is, this type of question isn’t always bad. Some couples enjoy discussing all the different aspects of their sexual attraction, and if there’s no jealousy involved, questions like these can lead to very productive conversations.
However, if your self-esteem is very low, questions along these lines are essentially mind games because you are trying to set a trap for your partner to fall into.
If they agree with you, you may be upset. If they disagree, you may doubt their honesty.
This is why trick questions generally either muddy the waters or end with arguments.
3) Jealousy test
Jealousy usually has nothing to do with love, but rather with ego, but that doesn’t stop us from using it to test how much our partners want us for themselves.
In one of my previous relationships, I felt unappreciated. My ex completely ignored my presence half the time, and no matter what I did, I simply couldn’t get his attention.
So I gave him the jealousy test. When another man showed interest in me, I didn’t reject him. I laughed at his jokes, built a friendly relationship, and came to really like him.
My ex didn’t even notice.
It’s safe to say he failed the jealousy test, and the relationship quickly ended.
Of course, I should have ended it long before I felt any need to make him jealous.
4) Chase the compliment
“Would you still love me if I were a worm?”
“What’s your favorite thing about me?”
“Do you still love me? How much?”
These questions are usually asked in a non-serious and playful mood when you are messing around with your partner. However, it’s very easy for the fun to turn into a fight if you’re too prickly.
Or if you’re looking for compliments as part of a mind game.
Trying to get one compliment after another isn’t just about testing how much your partner really loves you. It’s also about gauging how annoying you are before they draw a line or push you away.
Which reminds me of another mind game…
5) Self-sabotage hack
Do you want to know how to sabotage your own relationship so that all your fears and doubts come true?
Prepare the scenario you are afraid of. Then watch it play in real time.
Here is an example. About four years ago, I was dating a man. Let’s call him Chuck.
I was in love with Chuck, which also meant I spent a lot of time worrying and worrying that he would get bored with me and leave me.
Hence the beauty of the anxious attachment style.
I was worried that I was being too annoying and pushy. But instead of trying to change my behavior, I did just the opposite – I became more unbearable.
Every time I bothered him too much, I was subconsciously testing him. How much of this can he take before he pushes me away? How faithful is He to me – even at my worst?
Of course, he eventually ended up pushing me away, which “confirmed” to me that the relationship couldn’t last and that I had been right all along.
Then I finally realized what I was doing. All this time, I was sabotaging myself and my relationship because of some false narratives I created about myself and my love life.
Slowly but surely, I abandoned the self-sabotage game. As a result my relationship has improved a lot.
6) Raising the level of limits
Speaking of pushing your partner to their limits, boundaries in general are a great test of loyalty.
Of course, it’s extremely harmful to try to cross someone’s boundaries just to find out how much they love you, but unfortunately, many people do this unconsciously, which means they often don’t realize they’re playing a game.
Let’s say your partner hates spa weekends. Well, here you are trying to convince them to go with you for a spa weekend, because seeing them do something nice for you means a lot.
Although they actually said they hated the idea about ten times.
This little example can apply to most areas of a relationship, from your sex life to more serious issues.
And the lesson? Don’t try to cross your partner’s boundaries. They are there for a reason. If your partner is loyal, you will see it in their behavior. You don’t need to play any games.
7) Barter game
When you love someone – truly love them – everything you do for them comes from kindness and selflessness.
When you make them breakfast in bed, you don’t expect them to return the favor the next morning.
When you buy them a gift, you don’t wonder if they’ll get something for you too.
However, many people do not love selflessly. We feel possessive. We test each other; We try to see if the relationship is really worth our love and effort.
As a result, we may play the quid pro quo game — also known as keeping a record of everything you’ve done for your partner — without even realizing it.
An ex-boyfriend of mine once said to me, “I bought you a plant, took you out, and gave you lots of praise. And what did you do for me, huh?”
We had been dating for about a week at that point. The relationship did not last long.
8) Cold shoulder
The cold shoulder can be very confusing for your significant other.
On the one hand, you refuse to talk to your partner and act angry and isolated. On the other hand, you’re waiting to see if your partner will grovel to get you to talk.
Related : 10 phrases narcissists use to blame others for their own failures
The problem is that you are sending very mixed signals. Your partner may think that you want space or that you are not in the mood, and he or she may do the opposite of what you really want – leave you as you are.
If you need space, say so. If you’re just using the silent treatment to test your partner’s loyalty, maybe try talking about the problem instead.
9) False separation
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the worst mind game ever…
False separation.
It seems quite contradictory to threaten someone with a breakup just to test their loyalty, doesn’t it? What if they break up with you already?
Well, this game is definitely high stakes, that’s for sure. If your partner doesn’t ask you to stay with him, you’re seriously wrong.
However, this is a strategy that many people resort to, especially if they are narcissistic or manipulative.
No matter which ending you go for, remember that threatening to break up with someone just to see their reaction is rarely a good idea. It creates an unstable dynamic that makes you both anxious, leading to a great deal of chaos.
Here’s a better alternative: talk about it. If you are not sure about your partner’s loyalty, let him know your feelings. A simple conversation may be all you need.
