Growing up with a secret narcissistic mother can be a very difficult journey. The deep psychological scars caused by such parents last long into adulthood and if left untreated can greatly impact an individual’s life and relationships.

Covert narcissism is a covert form of narcissism masked with a veneer of humility.

The narcissistic mother usually hides her arrogant behaviors, often portraying herself as a victim who is often misunderstood.

This carefully crafted exterior makes it more difficult for her children to understand the emotional manipulation and control they have been subjected to.

Understanding the complex nature of covert narcissism is a crucial step toward healing.

It involves recognizing the subtle signs of this condition, which differ significantly from the more obvious signs associated with overt narcissism.

The road to recovery from the influences of a covert narcissistic mother can be long and challenging.

However, understanding the nature of covert narcissism and implementing coping strategies can pave the way for personal growth and healthy relationships in adulthood.

Understanding the secret narcissistic mother

Understanding the complex dynamics of a relationship with a covert narcissistic mother can be very daunting.

These mothers are masters of deception, skilled at nurturing and caring for the world.

They excel at maintaining this image, making it extremely difficult for outsiders to catch even a glimpse of the manipulative and controlling behavior they inflict on their families behind closed doors.

Unlike overt narcissists, who are blatantly self-centered and constantly seeking attention, covert narcissists operate differently. Their narcissism is not immediately apparent but appears subtly over time.

Covert narcissists may not display the blatant selfishness or selfishness characteristic of overt narcissists, but their actions are rooted in an inflated sense of self-importance and a fundamentally self-centered worldview.

Image of the ideal mother

A covert narcissistic mother paints an idealized picture of parenting for those outside her immediate family circle.

She seems deeply involved in her children’s lives, appears attentive to their needs, and is supportive in public.

However, this behavior is just a façade, a veneer that is skillfully designed to camouflage their true nature.

Behind this mask lies a highly critical, devoid of empathy, and emotionally unavailable personality.

This dichotomy creates a whirlwind of confusion and self-doubt in her children, which further exacerbates the difficulty they have in coming to terms with her abusive behavior.

The stark contrast between the public and private personalities of a covert narcissistic mother can leave her children grappling with the reality of their experiences, making understanding these dynamics all the more important for navigating the path toward healing.

Recognizing the signs of a secret narcissistic mother

Covert narcissism is harder to detect than its overt counterpart. The signs are subtle, making them difficult to recognize, especially when the person exhibiting these behaviors is your mother.

Here are some signs that your mother may be a covert narcissist:

The secret narcissistic mother is the master victim
The covert narcissistic mother is an expert at portraying herself as the perpetual victim.

She may often tell stories of being wronged by others, and paint vivid pictures of personal injustices and hardships.

These stories often have a recurring theme: that of the misunderstood heroine who constantly fights against the odds.

Whether it’s a disagreement with a neighbor, a perceived slight from a friend, or a professional setback, she puts herself on the receiving end of unfair treatment.

This tactic serves a dual purpose.

First, she receives sympathy and support from those around her, which reinforces her role as victim and ensures a constant supply of attention and validation.

Second, it allows her to abdicate any blame or responsibility for her actions. By keeping the focus on the wrongs done to her, she effectively avoids any scrutiny of her behavior.

More precisely, this constant portrayal of the victim can also be a form of emotional blackmail against her children.

It creates an unspoken obligation for them to support and defend it, no matter the situation.

They are drawn into her web of perceived injustice, often feeling guilty if they dare challenge her version of events or fail to provide the expected level of empathy.

In this way, the covert narcissistic mother ensures that her needs are always at the center of attention, expertly manipulating those around her through the narrative of victimhood.

It’s a powerful tactic that can have a profound impact on her children, often triggering a complex mix of emotions, including guilt, frustration, and a deep sense of obligation.

The covert narcissistic mother is passive aggressive
One of the defining characteristics of covert narcissists, including mothers, is their mastery of passive-aggressive behavior.

Unlike overt aggression, which is direct and unambiguous, passive aggression is subtle and indirect, often disguised with a façade of politeness or concern.

Background compliments

Covert narcissistic mothers excel at giving backhanded compliments, those seemingly positive remarks that carry an undercurrent of criticism.

They may compliment your new haircut while lamenting that your previous style was more flattering, or compliment your cooking skills and then wonder out loud why you don’t use them more often.

These comments leave you confused, wondering whether you were praised or criticized.

convincing criticism

Another common passive-aggressive tactic used by covert narcissistic mothers is the art of veiled criticism.

They make negative comments about your choices, actions, or personality, but they do so in such a subtle way that it is often difficult to point them out without seeming overly sensitive.

They may express concern about your health while implying that you’re not taking care of yourself, or question your decision-making abilities under the guise of offering advice.

Shiftblame

Beyond their words, covert narcissistic mothers are experts at shifting blame and making others feel guilty without looking like they’re doing anything wrong.

They will forget important dates, neglect responsibilities, or fail to keep promises, and then react with surprise or hurt when called upon.

They create a story where they are the innocent party, misunderstood or unfairly accused, and effectively shift the blame onto others.

These passive aggressive behaviors serve multiple purposes for the covert narcissistic mother. It allows her to exert control and inflict emotional harm while maintaining an outward appearance of innocence.

She also creates an environment of uncertainty and self-doubt, which undermines her children’s confidence and self-esteem.

The covert narcissistic mother lacks empathy
At the heart of narcissism lies a profound lack of empathy, and covert narcissistic mothers are no exception. Although they can portray a caring and caring exterior, they do not care about the feelings of others, including their children.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, to step into their shoes and see the world from their point of view. For most people, compassion comes naturally, especially toward those they love.

However, for covert narcissistic mothers, empathy is more of a performance than a true emotional response.

They may express concern or offer comfort when it is expected of them, but these offers often ring hollow or insincere.

They lack the depth and warmth that comes with true empathy. This may be particularly confusing for their children, who may struggle to reconcile their mothers’ image of care with the coldness they often feel.

Covert narcissistic mothers focus primarily on their own needs and feelings. Their world revolves around their experiences, emotions, and desires.

The needs and feelings of others, including their children, are secondary at best.

They often dismiss their children’s feelings as unimportant or trivial, especially if they conflict with their own.

They may ignore their child’s distress or respond with anger or indifference.

In extreme cases, they may use their child’s pain as an opportunity to draw attention to themselves, and re-emphasize their feelings or experiences.

This lack of empathy can have a profound impact on their children, making them feel invisible, unheard, and emotionally neglected. This can erode their self-esteem, damage their ability to form healthy relationships, and leave them questioning their worth and the validity of their feelings.

The covert narcissistic mother is manipulative and controlling
Covert narcissistic mothers are masters of manipulation and control, often using subtle tactics that may be difficult to recognize.

They skillfully weave a web of influence around their children, using emotional tools such as guilt, shame and fear to shape their behavior and decisions.

One common tactic is to use guilt.

Covert narcissistic mothers may insinuate or outright state that their children are responsible for their happiness or unhappiness.

They may express disappointment or sadness when their children do not meet their expectations, which are often exaggerated or unreasonable, instilling feelings of guilt for failing to make their mother happy.

Shame is another powerful tool in their arsenal.

They will belittle their children’s achievements, criticize their choices, or ridicule their interests.

By doing so, they instill a sense of shame, making their children feel inadequate or inferior. This can lead to a constant seeking of approval and validation, which reinforces the mother’s control.

Fear is also often used to manipulate and control.

This fear can take many forms, ranging from fear of disappointing the mother to fear of her anger or rejection. Covert narcissistic mothers can expertly play on these fears, using them to keep their children obedient and compliant.

The secret narcissistic mother is highly critical and judgmental
The covert narcissistic mother is quick to point out flaws, failures, and shortcomings, and rarely misses the opportunity to criticize or warn.

This constant scrutiny is not limited only to her children’s actions, but can extend to their thoughts, feelings, and aspirations as well.

These mothers usually have high, and often unrealistic, expectations for their children. They demand perfection in everything, from academics and extracurricular activities to behavior and appearance.

The constant criticism and judgment from the covert narcissistic mother inevitably erodes her children’s self-esteem dramatically. It creates feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and a distorted self-image.

Children may grow up believing that their worth is tied to their performance, and that they must earn love and approval through achievement.

Survival strategies

Surviving a covert narcissistic mother requires strength, resilience, and a good support system.

Here are some strategies that can help:

Create strong boundaries
Setting firm boundaries is a crucial strategy when dealing with a covert narcissistic mother.

This means defining acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your relationship.

This can include limiting the frequency and duration of communication or setting rules about off-limits topics during conversations.

How to set boundaries

Set your boundaries: Start by identifying what makes you uncomfortable or stressed. These feelings indicate that someone may be crossing your boundaries. Think about past interactions and identify situations where you felt manipulated or emotionally drained.

Communicate clearly: Once you have established your boundaries, communicate them clearly and firmly to your mother. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, such as, “I feel upset when you criticize my choices. I want you to respect my decisions.”

Be assertive and consistent: Covert narcissists can be manipulative and may try to test or ignore your boundaries. It is essential to stand your ground and constantly reinforce your boundaries.