Experiencing the end of a relationship is always a painful process. The emotional stress, feeling of loss, and disruption to your daily routine can be overwhelming. However, when your ex is a narcissist and already has a replacement in the wings and leaves you for someone else, the wound deepens.
The pain increases as you grapple not only with the end of your relationship but also with feelings of replacement and self-doubt.
Narcissism and the importance of narcissistic display
Narcissism is a complex personality construct manifested by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.
Despite an outward appearance of superiority, narcissists often have fragile self-esteem and are vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
An essential aspect of understanding narcissism involves deconstructing the concept of “narcissistic supply.” This term refers to the attention, admiration, and validation that narcissists constantly seek from others.
Narcissistic supply is the driving force behind narcissists’ behavior, without it they feel empty and worthless. In order to survive emotionally, they need a constant stream of validation to maintain their inflated self-perception.
The constant pursuit of their next fix manifests itself in the form of manipulative and abusive behaviors in relationships, where the narcissist uses tactics such as gaslighting to control their partner and secure their narcissistic supply.
A narcissist’s source of “supply” can be anyone who provides them with the attention and validation they crave – from partners and friends to colleagues and even their children.
It is important to note that being a source of narcissistic supply does not imply any special status or value in the eyes of the narcissist. The narcissist sees these individuals as mere tools to prop up their self-esteem and satisfy their emotional needs.
Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
A key aspect of understanding patterns of behavior in a relationship with a narcissist involves recognizing the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
This cycle typically includes three stages: idealization, devaluation, and neglect.
perfection
In the initial phase of a relationship or interaction, a narcissist will often engage in “love bombing,” where they shower their target with excessive attention, affection, and praise.
This stage is about the narcissist securing his new source of narcissistic supply. The target feels special and valued, and does not realize that he or she is being set up for a cycle of abuse.
Devaluation of the currency
Once the narcissist obtains his target, the devaluation phase begins.
The same person who was once placed on a pedestal is now constantly criticized, belittled and devalued.
The narcissist uses tactics such as gaslighting, the silent treatment, and emotional blackmail during this stage, making the target question their self-worth and reality.
discards
Eventually, the narcissist enters the ignoring phase. This usually happens when the narcissist feels they have exhausted their current source of supply or have acquired a new one.
They may suddenly end the relationship or withdraw their attention and affection, leaving their partner feeling confused and hurt.
However, because narcissists are addicted to what they have to offer, they rarely cut off contact completely unless they have another source. This is where the “monkey branching” and “moving on” phenomena come into play when the narcissist leaves you for someone else.
