“I love her. I know she loves me. She’s under a lot of stress at work. I’m sure that’s why she gets so angry when she’s at home.”
“He doesn’t mean to be self-centered. He’s very charismatic at work and gets a lot of attention. It just happens to him.”
Your partner is smart, funny, influential, successful, travels a lot, and buys you expensive jewelry and gifts. They may belong to private golf clubs or yacht ports. They may even occupy a place in the local, regional or national political scene.
So what’s the problem?
Being with a narcissistic partner can be a difficult and sometimes dangerous road. According to Psychology Today, “Narcissism is a spectrum disorder; Someone with a high level or high number of these traits can have a more harmful influence on you and your children. The more traits there are, the closer we get to a full-blown personality disorder.
However, the lifestyle benefits that sometimes come with being in a relationship with someone with this kind of influence are undeniable. Look at Melania Trump, Sharon Osbourne, or Kris Jenner. The material, financial, and professional benefits of partnering with some narcissists make leaving them seem like a severe punishment.
Even in your little corner of the world, your narcissist may serve on the city council or school board or be extremely successful in his or her career. Even with the most optimistic compromises, the loss of lifestyle, influence, and standard of living can be overwhelming.
It goes without saying that the choice to leave a narcissistic partner is a very delicate one. One thing that helps is watching for signs of a serious personality disorder. According to Yahoo Finance, in these cases you’re likely to see: “emotional instability, disturbed thought or perception patterns, reckless behavior, and intense but unstable relationships with others.”
I was once thinking about leaving a partner and was talking about it with a friend.
I remember exactly where I was, walking down the fairway on the fifth hole at the country club I lost access to during my divorce.
“I could never do what you do,” my friend said.
After she was very unhappy in her partnership with a wealthy narcissist, she continued to tell me, “I can’t give up this lifestyle. I haven’t worked in years and I don’t have any marketable skills. I don’t have options.”
I still think of her after all these years and wonder how she lives in her gilded cage.
I share the conviction of Dr. Craig Malkin, who warns, “Nothing I suggest below will help if the person you love is physically or emotionally abusive. Not all narcissists, even those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), resort to abuse.” But some do, and if you’re on the receiving end, your first step should be to explore what’s making it so hard for you to leave.
However, if you decide that you have to stay with a narcissist because of life circumstances, or if you want to stay with a narcissist because the lifestyle is too tempting to leave, you better do it right!
Being aware of your partner’s narcissistic ways and making a plan on how to deal with them will make it much easier.
Here are 5 superpowers you’ll need to thrive behind the scenes of your relationship with a narcissist.
- The ability to understand how narcissistic your narcissistic person is.
Since everything is relative, there is no doubt that some narcissists (obvious narcissists) are more extreme than others. If your partner has a real personality disorder, it may not be possible to separate enough to frame a workable lifestyle.
Here’s a way to evaluate your personal situation. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate how narcissistic your partner is. Anything above 7 is a problem.
According to Dr. Paul Bretherton, “More importantly, a narcissist is a human being who behaves in a certain way, and although he sometimes stirs up emotions, he is not a monster.” Some narcissists are worth staying with even though they require superpowers. A strong 10 will require that you choose your path wisely so that you remain safe and able to get out if you need to.
Essential tip for staying with narcissists: Many highly successful businessmen, politicians, actors, pop culture icons, and medical professionals are natural narcissists. The self-oriented focus that is difficult to live with pushes them to the top of their professions. Accepting this in themselves is the first step towards being able to survive.
- The ability to choose self-development.
Narcissists tend to choose partners who are empathetic, kind, giving, and loving. If you’re smart, talented, and a little insecure, it’s easier for them to expand their lives around you. It can certainly be fun to attract attention and see your partner have his way wherever he goes.
Dr. Athena Stock recommends that you “give yourself the gift of looking for and obtaining potential codependent tendencies.”
Checking out popular personal development authors is a great first step. YouTube is a good friend here. Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay and other great thought leaders have videos that teach personal empowerment.
Key tip for staying with your narcissist: The more you love your narcissistic personality, the more you owe it to yourself to develop the skills necessary to make this unusual partnership work. Living with a self-centered person is not for everyone. Get the tools you need to take care of yourself.
- The ability to separate.
I think this is the best superpower out there. It is difficult for narcissists to break up with you, they crave your attention and admiration after all. The irony is that when you break up, you build strength and strategies for how to stay with them. You can choose how much of their behavior you allow to bother you.
Dr. Tara J. says: Palmateer: “Emotional detachment is the conscious choice to not let another person push your buttons and make you hurt, angry, frustrated, or upset. The easiest way to do this is to develop apathy. This is not an easy task at first, but once you master it you can definitely succeed.
Essential Tip for Staying with Your Narcissist: The quick and reliable way to start learning this superpower is to go to an Al-Anon meeting area or narcissist support group. Even if there is no alcohol in your situation, the skills taught there about independence and interdependence will provide you with real tools. Plus, they are very warm and friendly, and are good to be in loving company.
- The power of self-love.
I used to say, “What was I thinking about signing up for this?” While I was in my last long-term living situation with a Narcissist, I didn’t understand how I continued to attract the same type of people into my life.
In her book The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout says: “Unlike sociopaths, narcissists often suffer from psychological pain, and may sometimes seek psychotherapy. When a narcissist looks for help, one of the underlying problems is usually, unbeknownst to him, that he is alienating From his relationships due to his lack of empathy for others, he feels confused, abandoned, and lonely.
This information helped me be more sympathetic to Narcy. I learned the value of self-partnership and began actively pursuing self-love experiences. The less emotional support I needed from Narcy because I was getting it elsewhere, the more peace there was in my home.
Essential tip for staying with narcissists: The secret you can learn from the rich and famous is to find a reason to devote yourself to separately from your partner. Whether it’s the Humane Society, a foster home or homeless children, they all need your love and involvement. Your contribution will bring you much of what you think you need from your partner – love, appreciation, communication, compliments, support and affection. When your tank is full, you will truly thrive in your situation.
- The power of compassion.
According to Martha Stout, “The poor narcissist cannot see beyond his own nose, emotionally, and as with the Pillsbury Doughboy, any input from the outside will come back as if nothing had happened.”
Living with a Narcissist who doesn’t really see how they bring this misery upon themselves with an objective eye can help make it manageable. “Sociopathic narcissists have no trace of empathy and no real interest in being emotionally connected with a partner,” Stout continues, “and once the superficial charm is removed, partnerships ultimately become loveless, one-sided, and always short-lived.”
When you sense that your Narcissist wants an emotional connection yet is blindly shooting himself in the foot trying to get there, having compassion for both of you is truly a superpower.
Remember, narcissistic partners usually have difficulty loving another person because they do not truly love themselves.
They are so focused on themselves that they cannot truly “see” their partner as a separate person. When you develop self-compassion, you will reap the rewards of this skill.
