Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional, but there are clear signs. The short version is that the narcissist:
Believes he/she is superior
Expect admiration and attention (while offering little or nothing at all)
Arrogant and full of self-beliefs
Lacks true empathy but can fake it convincingly (for a while)
Related: The Devastating Reality Of Falling In Love With A Narcissist
As a result of a narcissist’s limitations and personality characteristics, there are some red flags in the relationship that you should look for when approaching someone with narcissistic disorder.
Does he or she speed up the relationship with promises of the future – most of which you later realize are a lie?
Are there constant texts, emails, phone calls – excessive romanticism/difficult courtship? Even after you participate, constant contact may continue because this is a form of control.
Upon closer examination, do you notice that he is actually unable to experience true intimacy, love, emotional connection, or a mutual and satisfying relationship? (e.g. you are always to blame, he/she is always the innocent victim).
Do you hear stories about how many people fell in love, yet all the relationships ended the same way? It may take some time to find out the truth, as his version will be highly fictional.
Is there a great need for ego stroking? Narcissists target intelligent, attractive, and successful people to feed their insecure egos.
Is this person prone to depression and anxiety? Or do you notice a halt in emotional development on an emotional level? Despite early signs to the contrary, the narcissist cannot maintain the pretense of being a real adult for long. (They say they’re stuck at about 5 years old.)
Why do you need to get out of a relationship with a narcissist?
In order to survive emotionally you have to remove yourself from the relationship. Long-term partners of narcissists lose their sense of who they are. They give up being treasured or loved. They spend all their time navigating the minefield that is their relationship, and no matter how good they are at it, things blow up on a regular basis.
But it’s not easy. This is why ending a narcissistic relationship is more difficult than other breakups:
It’s an unhealthy relationship from beginning to end.
Why does that make it difficult to get out and stay out? The constant emotional roller coaster causes confusion and allows the narcissist to control you and lower your self-esteem. The result is that you don’t feel like you deserve more or better and that you are used to the way things are and don’t know anything different.
You’ve bought the fantasy and don’t want to let it go.
The imagination was very good. You were sold a bill of goods, but because of the intuitive gifts of most narcissists, it was exactly the right bill of goods. The power of your initial belief that this person is your perfect partner cannot be underestimated. So you still think…maybe…
Related: Narcissists Are Actually Empaths — That’s How They Get Exactly What They Want
Everyone mourns the loss. When we love something or someone, we feel very sad when they are gone. But grief over the end of a narcissistic relationship is profound in another way. You’ve come to grips with the fact that what you thought was a serious relationship with the future was nothing but smoke and mirrors. You grieve for what you never had.
You feel betrayed.
Not through lies and infidelity, although that is often part of the package, but because who you thought you loved doesn’t exist. The shock and disbelief can be so profound that you remain in denial for a long time.
You have lost yourself.
In severe cases, emotional abuse makes you feel so devalued, marginalized, and unimportant in the eyes of your loved one that you no longer feel worthy. A person who feels unworthy is unlikely to make demands such as, “I deserve better,” and come out or feel relieved to finally come out.
You don’t get any closure.
Not only will the narcissist refuse to engage in a conversation about the breakup, let alone feel any empathy for the damage you’ve done, but they can’t. In the eyes of the narcissist, you are the only one to blame. Megan left Tom but managed to blame him, saying: “You created me. I had no choice.” The result is that you will be left with unanswered questions. And this is difficult.
If you’ve already gotten out of a relationship with a narcissist, good for you.
Now, how do you move forward? How do you heal?
Breaking up with a narcissist is difficult, but these eight psychological tricks will help you:
- Allow no contact
Why is this so important? Because you are vulnerable to seeking validation from your narcissistic ex. You still want answers. You still want closure. Even though you know, intellectually, that there won’t be anyone coming, you are extremely sensitive to that person.
Do you remember how you got involved in the first place? Don’t open the door or the cycle will repeat itself…with more pain and abuse. Act as if this person never existed. Somehow, he never did. The person you missed today was nothing but smoke and mirrors. Stick to that and keep the door closed. (If children are involved, get an outside mediator if possible. If not, be very careful and never “go it alone.”)
- Be aware
It’s not always easy, but the more you can raise your awareness of the truth, the better off you’ll be. Remind yourself: You were in a toxic relationship with someone with a personality disorder. Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone, not even themselves. (Their inflated ego is not real: it is full of emptiness and air.) Accept that you have fallen in love with an illusion.
Related: Why Emotional Abuse Makes You Feel Crazy, Even When You’re (Pretty Sure You’re) Not
- Forgive yourself
Don’t blame yourself for not recognizing the master manipulator. That’s why he’s a professor – it’s hard to figure it out, often for years, because the illusion was, and sometimes still is, so convincing. - Say goodbye
To what you never had. You didn’t so much lose the relationship as you lost your version of reality – the relationship you wanted and wished you could find. The terror of facing nothing at all is very real. I have great sympathy for how difficult this is. Say goodbye to this illusion, and let yourself grieve. - Cut yourself all kinds of slack
A relationship with a narcissist is emotionally draining and there is a lot of time to recover. Realize that your mental, physical and spiritual energy has been constantly drained. break. Lie low. Give yourself a literal and figurative break. - Take baby steps
Going from a crazy roller coaster to “normal life” doesn’t happen in an instant.
- Detox
You are coming out of a controlling environment that was toxic to yourself. Educate yourself about the dynamics of narcissism so you can see it for what it is. Then let go of everything, just like in a good detox cleanse…
- The process
This takes time. The abuse you have suffered may seem impossible to understand and easy to obsess over. To stop obsessive thinking, change your thoughts. If you find yourself searching for explanations for your ex’s behavior within yourself, stop. Nothing you did made him treat you this way.
But don’t focus on what’s wrong with him either. This doesn’t get you anywhere. Practice thinking about what is right for you. Soon you will definitely know that you deserve much better.
Gradually, your self-esteem will return, you will remember who you are, and your spirit will return. Practice self-compassion. And realize that you will be healed. It may seem impossible at first, but you will do it. You will move on to happy and healthy love relationships. I know. I did.
If you think you may be suffering from depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you have done wrong.
