I read a story about a British woman who was happily married to her two cats, Lugosi and Spider. I’m not as shocked as some of the commenters because I’m familiar with the concept of cat/human marriage.

When I was seven years old, my best friend Donna married my cat, Boris. I was not an ordained minister, I merely declared them husband and wife. Unfortunately, their marital happiness was short-lived, and the marriage was annulled when Donna’s mother invited her to her house for dinner.

I’m very obsessed with my cat Yoshi, and while I might create a number of sleeping places just for him, and feel strangely validated when he actually chooses one, I wouldn’t marry him even if he begged. Although most of his pleas are for tuna water and/or to be allowed into rooms, he is forbidden from entering them.

I’m grateful to have such an adorable cat, but the truth is that no matter how much I adore him, Yoshi is kind of a narcissistic narcissist and would make a terrible husband.

Here are 8 reasons why my narcissistic cat is the worst husband ever:

He is gay and this is normal
I love my gay gray cat. The problem is that Yoshi is a misogynist and constantly tries to kill our cat Allie. He’s not allowed to be in the same room with her, but that doesn’t stop him from shoving his paw under the door and blindly swiping his paw back and forth. But it loses its humor when you realize that Yoshi isn’t playing, and his claws are out – he wants Robot dead.

I love my cat, but if Yoshi succeeds in his evil plan to become a lonely cat, he will be arrested and put on trial and spousal privilege may be invoked. I want to be able to testify against him in court for Allie’s sake.

Yoshi has a quirky sense of humor
He likes to “fake spray” – that is, he pretends to urinate on something to mark it, but without passing any urine. We had a real squirt once, and trust me, it wasn’t funny. It was terrible and no amount of nature’s miracle could get the smell out.

Spraying is never funny, nor is leaving marks on your butt after using the litter box, but Yoshi thinks they’re hysterical. Cats can’t laugh but Yoshi can smile. Being able to laugh together is important to the success of any marriage. Yoshi and I don’t have each other’s sense of humor.

When Yoshi uses the litter box, he proudly spreads a foul odor throughout the house, forcing his employees (me and my friend) to do the immediate cleaning.
It reminds me of those people who have no problem leaving the bathroom door open while they go about their business. I wouldn’t marry someone like that either.
He is deliberately clumsy
He once hit a glass of water on my computer, damaging it, and didn’t even offer to pay for a new one. If throwing things off a table were an Olympic sport, he would have won a gold medal. He’s not just partner material.
Yoshi is the epitome of frivolity and selfishness
He’s certainly probably one of the most beautiful cats in the world with his soft gray fur, the white touches on his neck, feet, and belly, and the charming triangle on his nose. He’s so amazing and he knows it.

But he is foolish because of his great beauty and does not think about the feelings of others. He has no problem walking all over my computer, sticking his furry butt in my face, and eating my hair.

It doesn’t matter if I don’t like it, I like it and he’ll do it. He also insists on scratching the couch, follows me into the bathroom (even when I insist I don’t need an escort), and then when he’s in the enclosed bathroom space he reacts like crazy and starts literally bouncing off the walls. He is the definition of a narcissist.

Yoshi has some things I can’t get into
Snapping for one. I told him over and over again not to bite, but it didn’t stick in his mind; Its sharp teeth are the only thing that sink anywhere, usually into my body. He also loves eating plastic, although he must now realize that eating plastic (this includes bread wrappers, plastic ties, and bags) equals vomiting and throwing up toxic substances. He doesn’t seem to care.

He also has a fixation with boxes. He likes to sleep, sit and play in it. I’m more of a “don’t put me in a box” type. I like to sleep in a bed, not in a box on top of the bed.

I don’t think I could be legally tied down to someone as needy and complicated as Yoshi
He always wants affection and to be the center of attention. If you are having a lovemaking session with him, she will start kneading you until you bleed. It won’t help you if you try to point its claws at a pillow or blanket, as it is still capable of targeting the most sensitive and vulnerable parts of the body. The same goes for jumping out of or at you. Guys, cover your private parts because they make the perfect starting point for Mr. Yoshi.

Here are 8 reasons why my narcissistic cat is the worst husband ever:

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