Lately, I’ve been reading about the world of living with a narcissist, primarily because it has helped me understand a lot of what has happened to me and others.
As someone who has dealt with narcissists a lot, there are certain roles that people tend to focus on.
We all know that the ringleader is the narcissist.
The person who stays calm is the enabler – usually the spouse. The golden child is the narcissist’s favorite and can do no wrong. Then the black sheep (or scapegoat) is the one the narcissist blames for everything.
But sometimes we forget what other roles family members can play in a narcissistic abuse cycle. Sometimes, one person can play multiple roles in the same dysfunctional episode.
Depending on your family size or environment, you may have seen these too…
Related: Feel Like A Narcissist Magnet? The #1 Reason You Attract Toxic Relationships
Here are 7 unmentioned roles you may see in a narcissistic family:
- The truth teller
The number one thing that narcissists hate more than anything else is for someone to realize what they are like. They hate and fear exposure. That’s why they can’t stand the truth teller.
A truth teller is someone who sees the narc for what they really are and declares that they do. They may do this subtly, such as trying to warn others or just rolling their eyes slightly when they hear the narc’s voice.
In many cases, the truth teller is the black sheep of the family. Unlike the typical scapegoat, truth tellers rarely wonder if they are wrong for the things they are blamed for. They know they are innocent.
The typical truth teller usually bides his time until he can leave the family. They almost certainly won’t call as soon as they could.
- Throwing
The Throwaway is the opposite of the truth seeker. When a narcissist exhausts his child for all he can or decides that the child no longer fits his needs, he may effectively kick him out of the family.
The outcast child often blames himself and wonders why he is not good enough. They may develop a drinking habit, post-traumatic stress disorder, or become borderline. It can take years for them to heal.
Even then, the narcissist may “bring them back” again if they improve or suddenly become useful to the narcissist.
- Al-Mansi
Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle is the perfect example of this, although I can’t say his parents are narcissists. In large families, especially narcissistic families, there is at least one child who is constantly ignored.
No matter what this child does, the narcissist ignores them and treats them as an afterthought. They usually start acting out, just to get some kind of attention. Even then, it may be short-lived.
At worst, they may turn into a scapegoat when the black sheep/scapegoat/truth-seer leaves. Or they may eventually leave of their own volition. At best, they may be stuck around the narcissist as a flying monkey.
Related: The Moment I Dangerously Angered A Narcissist (And Didn’t Even Know It)
- Flying monkey
This is not just a family role in itself. If you’ve been around narcissists, you know that they like to use others to attack those they don’t like. The term for this is the “flying monkey” from The Wizard of Oz.
Some people may end up becoming a flying monkey because the narcissist feeds them the lies they believe. From what I can tell, this is what usually happens, at least at first.
Others fall into the role of the flying monkey because they realize that if they do not cooperate on the scapegoat, they will become the targets themselves. Oddly enough, this is why the flying monkeys turn on each other once the scapegoat leaves.
Flying monkeys tend to pay a price for their willingness to attack others. When the narc is exposed or the scapegoat leaves, they end up isolating themselves from everyone. Or they end up being the new scapegoat.
If the Flying Monkey has fallen from grace, he may try to reach out to the scapegoat and apologize. More often than not, their actions from the past end up destroying any chance of having a healthy relationship with someone from that circle.
- The donor
I’ve seen this a lot in wealthy families, especially when the narcissist has wealthy parents. The rich parent becomes the benefactor—or the person the narcissist lives off of.
The donor is not immune to narcissist abuse. In fact, they are often blamed for choosing the narcissist’s sibling over the narcissist’s. But they generally try not to ruffle feathers by expelling the narc.
Most donors know they are being taken advantage of, even though they may not feel they have a choice in the matter. On a low level, they may fear that the narcissist will steal from them or try to claim the inheritance incorrectly as well.
Although the donor may experience abuse from time to time, he has his limits. The narcissist generally knows not to anger the donor very often. Unlike that? Their fortunes will run out, and Narcs can’t have that because they need shiny new toys!
If the donor decides to bring down the narcissist, they better watch out. There is nothing more evil than a narc who has just lost his source of money. Weaponizing custody, physical abuse, name smearing, and long-drawn divorces are common.
In really ugly situations, you might end up in a murder case. Never heard of it before. Donors often know when the narcissist will go that far. If you are a philanthropist, please protect yourself.
When narcissists are breadwinners, they are not benefactors. They may pretend to be “playing the role” for sympathy, but they are not benevolent. Instead, wealthy narcs keep golden handcuffs for their victims so they won’t leave.
Related: Why Narcissists Come Across So Alluring, According To Research
- Alternative
If you have a narcissistic parent, there will be times when you won’t be a parent. Instead, they may end up turning children over to houseparents – a form of abuse called “parenting.”
In many cases, the older sibling becomes the surrogate parent for the younger one. In some cases, they may have to be a surrogate parent for their parents because the narc acts like a naughty child.
Surrogates are often tired, wise beyond their years, and quick to move away from the family dynamic. If they have, they may also try to take out other siblings as well.
- Mascot
A mascot is a child who tends to act as comedic relief or helps bring a lot of influence to the family. They are the people that narcissists approve of because they make the narcissist look good – even if they are not the ones doing the work.
If you read Janet McCurdy’s work, you’ll find that Janet was her family’s mascot. She was famous, which made her narcissistic mother feel famous by proxy. She allowed her mother to dictate everything she did.
