I was convinced I had a narcissistic target branded on my forehead.
Everywhere I turned, there was another narcissist, and I was the chosen target. Potential love interests, new friends, colleagues, you name it. It was as if no one was safe – as if no one was healthy.
After ending a long-term narcissistic relationship, I realized the red flags. I also knew I had to end those relationships quickly. However, this pattern was brutal.
You meet someone new.
I feel excited, even giddy, that this new person has entered my life.
Think about these things often, first thing in the morning, and last thing every evening.
Check my phone non-stop, so I don’t miss a call.
I stayed up late talking or disrupting what I was doing to answer the call.
See red flags.
Ending the relationship.
lather. rinse. Repeats.
My shock link was running the show. It was like a beacon, calling in narcissists from all over the world. The trauma bond kept trapping me in narcissistic drama, which only reinforced my trauma bond. It was crazy.
Related: What It’s Really Like To Be In Love With An Abusive Narcissist
What is a shock bond?
Trauma bond is a chemical reaction in the victim’s nervous system. It requires frequent abuse and rare or unexpected pleasure.
Imagine that you have been insulted by your friend for two weeks – you are told that you have gained weight, left yourself, your clothes are shabby, and you will turn into your mother.
After listening to near-constant abuse for weeks, he comes home one evening, wraps his arms around your waist, and whispers in your ear, “You’re so hot…” while pushing himself into you. The effect of dopamine, or the chemical flow from this moment on, is so great, that you will tolerate anything to get more of it – and even more abuse.
Related: 9 Ways Narcissists Ruin Every Social Event
What are the signs of trauma bond?
The trauma bond connects the victim to the aggressor. First, it prevents the victim from seeing that they are being abused. Once they see the abuse, the trauma bond prevents them from leaving. Once the relationship ends, the trauma bond makes the victim long for the attacker to return.
You seriously messed it up.
You think the trauma bond will break when you get over your ex and move on. Unfortunately, this is not true. Trauma bonding is more than just a comment on your ex.
Years, or even decades, after you leave, you find that you continue to attract one new narcissist after another. Worse still, you seem to be attracted to toxic personalities. This is the work of the trauma bond as well.
Trauma bond life cycle
If you are attracting toxic relationships now, you probably started out in toxic or dysfunctional relationships. And if you’re like many survivors, your first traumatic connection was with a parent. This relationship set the stage for how you would act, what you would tolerate, and your willingness to take that chemical hit.
Your toxic relationships in adulthood strengthened the bond. And here you are.
Ready to stop attracting toxic relationships?
The moment you realize you have a trauma bond; I’m back in the driver’s seat. Your relationships are no longer just bad luck. You see now that you are the flame of the moth.
Fortunately, you have the power to change it. You have the power to break your trauma bond. When this happens, you not only stop attracting new toxic people into your life, you actually push them away, so you can break the painful cycle once and for all.
