People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior and unique compared to others. Signs that you may be dating someone with narcissistic personality disorder include the fact that they have very few or no friends, lack empathy, and often deceive you.
When someone posts too many selfies on social media or talks about themselves constantly during a first date, you might call them a narcissist.
But a true narcissist has narcissistic personality disorder. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others and expect to be recognized and treated as such.
They may be unable to recognize the opinions and needs of others and may ignore other people’s problems.
What are the nine traits of a narcissist?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) lists nine criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. However, it specifies that a person only needs to meet five of these criteria to be clinically classified as a narcissist.
Inflated sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believing that they are special and unique and can only be understood by or associated with special or high-status people or institutions
Need for excessive admiration
Feelings of entitlement
Exploitative interpersonal behavior
Lack of empathy
Envy of others or the belief that others envy them
Exhibiting arrogant or haughty behaviors or attitudes
According to licensed therapist Rebecca Wheeler, narcissistic personality disorder is selfishness at the expense of others, as well as an inability to consider other people’s feelings at all.
Like most mental health or personality disorders, there are varying degrees of severity of narcissistic personality disorder.
“Narcissism falls on a spectrum,” says Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist Fran Walfish, Ph.D., author of The Self-Aware Parent.
In outpatient settings, for example, people with narcissistic personality disorder may be highly functioning and approachable, but in inpatient settings, they may display aggression. A person’s aggression is usually indicative of the severity of the disorder.
Additionally, people with narcissistic personality disorder often have other physical and mental health conditions, such as substance abuse disorders and anxiety, which can further complicate close relationships.
Knowing the “official” diagnostic criteria doesn’t usually make it easy to know if someone has narcissistic personality disorder, especially someone you’re romantically involved with. A qualified professional will usually administer a standard psychological interview to diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
However, knowing the signs of narcissistic personality disorder can help give your relationship some context. Here are some signs to look out for and tips for dealing with them.
- They were charming at first
People with narcissistic personality disorder are drawn to grandiosity and fantasy. Your relationship may have felt like a fairy tale at first — maybe they constantly complimented you or told you they loved you during the first month.
Maybe they told you how smart you were or emphasized your compatibility, even if you had just started dating.
“Narcissists believe they deserve to be with other special people and that special people are the only ones who can fully appreciate them,” says Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, founder of Kaleidoscope Counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Wheeler’s advice: Be wary if someone comes on too strong at first. Sure, we all like to feel desired. But true love has to be nurtured and grown.
“If you think it’s too early for them to love you, it’s probably because they don’t. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to love you, it’s probably because they don’t,” says Wheeler.
People with narcissistic personality disorder may form superficial connections early in a relationship.
- They dominate the conversation, talking about how great they are
People with narcissistic personality disorder may have an inflated sense of self-importanceTrusted Source may exaggerate their accomplishments and expect to be recognized as superior.
“Narcissists love to constantly brag about their accomplishments and achievements,” says psychotherapist Jacqueline Kroll, LCSW of Mind Rejuvenation Therapy. “They do this because they feel they’re better and smarter than everyone else and also because it helps them create an appearance of self-confidence.”
Dr. Angela Grace, Ph.D., M.Ed., B.F.A., B.Ed., adds that narcissists often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories to gain others’ admiration.
They’re also too busy talking about themselves to listen to you.
Grace says the warning has two parts here. First, your partner won’t stop talking about themselves, and second, your partner won’t engage in conversation about you.
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Think about these questions: What happens when you talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interest in learning more? Or do they make it about themselves?
- They feed on your compliments
Narcissists may seem overly confident. However, according to Tawab, most people with NPD lack self-esteem and are inordinately in need of attention and admiration.
“They need a lot of compliments, and if you don’t give them that, they’ll hunt for it,” she says. That’s why they’re constantly looking to you to tell them how great they are.
“Narcissists use other people—highly empathetic people—to provide them with a sense of self-worth and make them feel powerful. But because they have low self-esteem, their egos can be easily bruised, which increases their need for compliments,” adds Shereen Pekar, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
“The main difference between people who are confident and those with NPD is that narcissists need others to lift them and lift themselves only by putting others down—two things that people with high self-esteem don’t do,” says Pekar.
As Wheeler explains, narcissists may “punish everyone around them for their lack of confidence.”
- They lack empathy
A lack of empathy, or the ability to feel what someone else is feeling, is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder, Walfish says. People with narcissistic personality disorder are often unable to apologize and understand other people’s feelings and perspectives.
“Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, validated, understood, or accepted because they don’t understand the concept of feelings,” she says.
Does your partner care when you’re having a bad day at work, fighting with your best friend, or fighting with your parents? Or do they get bored when you express what’s making you angry and sad?
Walfish says that the inability to empathize, or even to sympathize, is often the reason why many, if not all, relationships with people with narcissistic personality disorder break down, whether romantic or not.
- They don’t have any (or many) long-term friends
It’s common for people with narcissistic personality disorder to have frequent conflicts with others. If you dig deeper into their relationships, you may notice that they have few close friends.
In addition, people with narcissistic personality disorder can be overly sensitive and insecure. As a result, they may attack you when you want to hang out with other people.
They may claim that you don’t spend enough time with them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends, or criticize you for the types of friends you have.
- They constantly tease you
At first, it may have felt like they were bothering you, but then it got real. Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who you hang out with and what you watch on TV, is a problem for them.
Hostility and hostility are well-documented traits of people with narcissistic personality disorder, and the toll on others is significant.
“They will try to put you down, call you names, hit you with hurtful words, and make jokes that are not funny at all,” says Pekar. “Their goal is to lower other people’s self-esteem so they can raise their own because it makes them feel powerful.”
What’s more, the reaction to what they say can reinforce their behavior. “Narcissists love to react,” says Pekar. That’s because it shows them that they have the power to influence the emotional state of others.
Warning sign: If they insult you by putting you down when you do something worth celebrating, get out of there.
“A narcissist might say, ‘I was able to do it because I didn’t sleep well,’ or some excuse to make it seem like you had an advantage that they didn’t have,” says Tawwab.
They want you to know that you’re no better than them. Because, to them, no one is.
- They’re deceiving you
Emotional manipulation is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. People with narcissistic personality disorder may blatantly lie, falsely accuse others, twist the truth, and ultimately distort their reality—especially in response to perceived challenges to authority or fear of abandonment.
Signs of emotional manipulation can include:
You no longer feel like the person you once were.
You feel more anxious and insecure than you used to.
You often wonder if you’re overly sensitive.
You feel like everything you do is wrong.
You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong.
You apologize a lot.
You feel like something is wrong but you can’t pinpoint what it is.
You frequently question whether your response to your partner is appropriate.
You make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
They do this to create doubt in others as a way to gain superiority. Narcissists thrive on their worship, so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that,” says Picard.
- They think they’re right about everything, and they never apologize
People with narcissistic personality disorder are often described as arrogant and have arrogant behaviors or attitudes. That’s why fighting with a narcissist can seem impossible.
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“There’s no arguing or settling with a narcissist because they’re always right,” says Tawwab. “They won’t necessarily see a disagreement as a disagreement. They’ll just see it as teaching you some truth.”
According to Pekar, you might be dating a narcissist if you feel like your partner:
- Doesn’t hear you
- Won’t understand you
- Doesn’t take responsibility for their role in an issue
- Never try to compromise
While ending the relationship is the best plan if you’re dating someone with narcissistic personality disorder, Wheeler advises avoiding negotiation and arguments.
What bothers someone with narcissistic personality disorder is the lack of control and the lack of fight. “The less you resist, the less power you can give them over you, and the better,” she says.
And because they may never believe they’re wrong, they rarely apologize. Trusted Source
- When you show them you’re done, they lash out
People with narcissistic personality disorder are particularly vulnerable to humiliation and shame and tend to lash out at others when they feel their self-esteem has been damaged.
If you insist that you’re done with the relationship, they’ll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them, says Pekar.
“Their ego is so badly wounded that it makes them feel angry and hateful toward anyone who ‘wronged’ them,” she says. “That’s because everything is everyone’s fault. Including the breakup.”
