Do you have a narcissist in your life? Most everyone knows or has been involved in one. They may be in your family, office or social circle. A narcissist may be agreeable or even charming – until he decides to pursue you.
It can be very confusing because when they are not being threatened by you; They can present a nice manner and trick you. But if they feel threatened or think you’ve hurt them in some slight way, their critical and judgmental side comes into play — and they don’t play well.
At the heart of the narcissist is a fragile ego, a thin skin, and self-loathing behavior. They project their bad feelings onto others and tend to look for scapegoats for their feelings because they do not embrace or deal with their feelings. That’s why we see them not taking responsibility and looking for someone else to blame when things go wrong.
When you listen to the narcissist’s worldview, it is confusing and unpredictable. Because they oscillate from grandiosity to depression, it is difficult to keep up with their moods and behavior. You feel negative in the way they view the world and others.
It usually does not make any sense, because it is dropped from their own issues. If it is directed at you, you will likely feel shocked and want to learn how to protect yourself from the narcissist.
I recently had a strange experience with a narcissist I know. He was visiting some old family friends who none of us had seen in years. There was a new baby in this family, and some pictures were taken to send to the rest of us.
After the visit, I received a call saying he saw old friends and took some photos. But astonishingly, he felt the baby was “too ugly” to have a photo taken. When the pictures were sent to me, sure enough…there were no pictures of the six-month-old. Wow, I wondered, how could a little boy be considered ugly – so ugly that no photo had been taken of him? What kind of judgment and cruelty is this? I can only hope that these friends don’t know about this.
You hear narcissists talk about people’s appearance, how much they weigh, whether their clothes or hairstyles are acceptable, etc. How things “look” is important to them. They do comparative thinking while looking at others to see whether they measure up or not, and whether they themselves are greater or better. If they can bring you down to a lower level, they will feel bigger and more important.
Jealousy is a major factor: they tend to either believe that people are jealous of them, or that they are jealous of others. This thinking relies on external validation of themselves rather than internal validation.
Because they lack a strong sense of self, their entire world is external, based on the way they appear to others. Events can get downright bizarre, as in the baby photo scenario above. The narcissist does not want to associate with an “ugly” child. This makes no sense to most of us, and we find ourselves in complete amazement about these individuals.
An anonymous writer on my blog gave this great example:
“I have found that narcissists are like mosquitoes. They drug you, so they can bite you and suck your blood. They soon find someone else to attack. As long as you give them a good supply of everything they need, they will keep going. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’ve been exposed To bite, only after the drug of narcissistic love bombing wears off and we become covered in lumps.
Like mosquitoes, narcissists congregate there. Is there a way to learn how to protect yourself from a narcissist? In many cases, you can stay away when you realize who you’re dealing with. But if a narcissist is in your office or family, these tips may help:
- Ignore them.
Like dealing with a bully, if you ignore the cruelty, it will give him no satisfaction, and he will find someone else to harass.
- Don’t take the bait and fight with them.
Turn the other cheek, and don’t justify or defend your actions when you do.
- Understand their criticism for what it is.
It’s not about you. It’s about their disorder. Don’t personalize what you are told.
- When communicating, set clear boundaries and use clear communication.
Say what you mean directly.
- If you have to make a decision to walk away, make it clearly and boldly, and then follow through.
- Trust your intuition and feelings.
Our bodies tell us when something is not right and when people are treating us poorly.
- Remember that you have to protect yourself, and you can do it.
Don’t expect others to save you from a narcissist. It’s empowering to stand up to them and claim your voice.
- Remember that we all deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion.
