Let’s be real – relationships are hard! Each one has its own ups and downs and not-so-rosy moments.
This is expected and completely normal.
Except…what if it’s not? Sometimes we want so badly for a relationship to work, or are so afraid of a breakup, that we may convince ourselves that what we’re experiencing is normal when it’s not.
In other words, you may be in denial about how serious your relationship is.
How do you know if this is the case?
For me and my relationship with my ex, it boiled down to the eight signs below.
1) Your friends and family have expressed their concerns
Have any of your friends or family members expressed concerns about your relationship?
Comments about things your partner does, or questions about whether you’re truly happy in the relationship.
This alone is not necessarily a sign that your relationship is toxic.
Not everyone gets along well with each other, and this may just be the personal opinion of your friends or family.
They may also be biased, or make assumptions without knowing your partner well.
However, it is important to listen to their concerns. Do they have good reasons to support them, or is it just something superficial or personal to them?
If so many people are voicing their concerns, for good reasons, you should seriously consider whether there is any truth to what they are saying.
2) You are sensitive to any negative comment about your relationship
In addition to people expressing concerns about your relationship, another sign you may be in denial is that you’re sensitive when they do.
Because think about this. If you were wearing a red shirt and someone told you it was blue, would you be offended?
of course not. You may wonder how they could come to that conclusion, but in the end you know that your shirt is actually red, and just because someone interprets it as blue doesn’t change that.
We are only affected by things that deep down we fear are true, or about which we feel insecure.
So, if you feel annoyed or upset when someone has doubts about your relationship?
Unfortunately, this may mean that there is more truth in their words than you would like to admit.
3) You justify your unhappiness
Every relationship has its difficult times. There’s no denying that.
I’m currently in a very happy relationship, but there are definitely still moments when I feel like I don’t love my partner very much – I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
We can’t jump from the first problem, because we all deserve room to make mistakes (and it’s impossible to find a relationship that makes you happy 100% of the time).
However, if you find yourself constantly justifying your unhappiness, this may be a sign of denial
In the past, I’ve found myself making excuses like “He’s having a rough day” or “I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way.” And then I realized how often I would do it.
Like I said, we have to give our partner some grace, but if that’s the rule rather than the exception, then you have to wonder: Is your relationship giving you any kind of happiness at all?
Unhappiness is a sign of a deeper problem, and it shouldn’t be your permanent state in a relationship.
4) You feel as if you have no choice
Have you ever felt stuck in your relationship? As if there’s no other choice but to keep going, even though you’re in pain?
This feeling of having no choice can be a sign of a toxic relationship.
I know this is hard to come to terms with, because a friend of mine went through this in the worst way possible. She met a man while she was interning abroad and then moved abroad in her final semester to be with him.
She was in a foreign country far away from her family and friends, where it was very difficult and expensive to find a place to stay, and where she had to finish her studies.
Not to mention that her ex-husband had also moved countries and moved away from his family for the sake of the relationship, and he did not stop reminding her of that, as if she now owed him to stay with him forever.
So, even though they fought for hours a day, she felt like she was trapped in the relationship and couldn’t let go.
But eventually, she realized she could — all it took was one word: “No.” It was difficult at first, but now when she looks back she sees that the relationship was very toxic, even though she had denied it before.
I hope you’re not in a situation like this my friend…but if you are, remember that you deserve a loving and respectful relationship, and you always have a choice.
5) You are always stressed
Stress can creep into our lives for various reasons. Work, health, family affairs.
But if your relationship is the main source of your stress, it’s time to take a step back.
Sometimes I would text my ex that I was busy at work and would be late to meet him — and then when my phone rang a few minutes later, I would automatically tense up, anticipating an argument or a passive-aggressive response from him.
I was in denial about this for a long time, and I still remember the moment I realized it and faced the truth.
I knew I had to do something about the relationship or leave it, because it would ruin my health otherwise.
Be on the lookout for physical reactions like these in your body, but also remember that stress can manifest in a myriad of different ways.
You may have difficulty sleeping, develop a bad habit like biting your nails, or find yourself constantly worrying about your partner’s mood or reactions.
Don’t ignore these signs, your well-being is important.
6) You feel the need to hide your emotions
With my ex, there were times when I would bury my feelings deep down, just to keep the peace. It was exhausting, pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t.
Meanwhile, my anger and resentment kept building inside me. Sometimes it can leak out in the form of passive aggression, which will of course lead to more tension in the relationship.
As a result I tried to bury my feelings even more…it was a snowball effect.
Here you really have to stop and ask yourself: Why do you hide your emotions?
There can be variations of your answer, but it always boils down to this: Your partner doesn’t hear you.
Which is a huge red flag that indicates the toxicity of your relationship. It should be a safe place where you can freely express your feelings, not a battlefield where you are always on guard.
7) You cling to small amounts of affection
If you have a toxic relationship with your partner, you may be deprived of his or her affection (whether you consciously admit it or not).
And then when they give you even a small piece of it, you hold on to it like your life depends on it.
“See? He cares about me…” or “She’s not the PDA type, but this shows she really loves me.”
I recognize this feeling, this hope, almost despair…
Unfortunately, although it’s nice to appreciate even small gestures, it’s not normal to need to give so much meaning to something so small.
Love should never be rationed or scarce. It should be an everyday gift, not an occasional surprise.
8) You give them one chance after another
In the past, I prided myself on my patience. I held on, believing that if I waited long enough, things would change. But they didn’t do that. In hindsight, my patience was a cloak for my denial.
If you find yourself waiting for things to get better, and constantly giving your partner second (and third and fourth) chances, it’s time to figure out why.
Obviously we all make mistakes. This doesn’t mean your relationship is toxic – just if they keep making the same mistakes over and over again, saying they’ll change without doing anything about it.
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner will change and grow, which means you will overcome your past challenges and find new ones.
If you find yourself stuck in a windmill of the same fight over and over again, that’s not growth. Unfortunately, this is toxicity.
Never lose sight of the idea that you are worthy of love, respect, and kindness now, not at some indefinite point in the future.
Just realized you’re in denial about the toxicity of your relationship?
Now you know 8 signs that you are in denial about the toxicity of your relationship.
It took me a while to realize these things, but eventually it became clear to me that my relationship was very unhealthy.
Realization is the first step you need to make any kind of improvement. Once you see a problem, you can decide what to do about it next.
So, if you realize you’re in the same boat you were in a few years ago, I know this can be a difficult moment.
But know that you will definitely find your best way forward, and I wish you good luck along the way!
