The scary thing about toxic people is that you rarely see the signs up front.
If you are dating someone but feel like something is not right, or perhaps red flags are starting to pop up, this article will clear any doubts you may have.
I know some of it won’t be helpful to read, but your health and mental wellness comes first, so it’s important to know what to look for!
First, I’ll go over the most obvious signs you’re dating a toxic person, and then I’ll share a step-by-step guide on how to get out (safely) from a relationship.
Let’s go straight to the first red flag:
1) They try to control you
One of the most common signs of dating a toxic person is that they are trying to control you. But what does this look like? It’s not always as clear as they appear in the movies…
Toxin control can be:
Monitor where you are going or who you are talking to
Threats if you do something your partner doesn’t agree with
Limit the amount of time you can spend with others or alone
Restrict your finances
Guilt drives you to do things
But keep in mind that the scale of control can vary greatly. Not only that, but a toxic partner might make it seem like these restrictions are in your favor.
Believe me, they are not.
In a healthy relationship, you should have the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want! Consulting your partner shows respect and consideration, but they shouldn’t have the final say in your life.
2) They use emotional manipulation
Now, on the last point, I mentioned guilt tripping as a means of control.
This is just one of many ways a toxic person uses emotional manipulation to get you to do whatever they want!
And I know how hard it can be to figure that out, especially in the beginning.
Some red flags of emotional manipulation include:
Constantly criticizing you – makes you feel like you can never do anything right.
Gaslighting – Denying things or accusing you of being “crazy”, which makes you question yourself.
Blame it on you – Even if you had nothing to do with it, your partner will find a way to make it your fault.
The silent treatment – instead of reaching out to you, they give you the cold shoulder and cause you pain and confusion.
In a healthy relationship, you should have the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want! Consulting your partner shows respect and consideration, but they shouldn’t have the final say in your life.
2) They use emotional manipulation
Now, on the last point, I mentioned guilt tripping as a means of control.
This is just one of many ways a toxic person uses emotional manipulation to get you to do whatever they want!
And I know how hard it can be to figure that out, especially in the beginning.
Some red flags of emotional manipulation include:
Constantly criticizing you – makes you feel like you can never do anything right.
Gaslighting – Denying things or accusing you of being “crazy”, which makes you question yourself.
Blame it on you – Even if you had nothing to do with it, your partner will find a way to make it your fault.
The silent treatment – instead of reaching out to you, they give you the cold shoulder and cause you pain and confusion.
Do you feel that you are not able to see your family or friends as often as you used to?
Should you ask permission to go out without your partner?
If so, then this is another clear sign that you are dating a toxic person!
It comes down to wanting to control you; By limiting the people you can see, they effectively cut you off from any outside support or help.
But the truth is, they will never admit it. They will make it seem like they are doing it for your own good, and that you are better off without your friends and family.
Simply:
They want you to depend entirely on them! But the ironic thing is that once you rely on them, they don’t:
5) They don’t support you
Another sign of dating a toxic person is if they don’t support you – in fact, they may resent your successes or hold you back from seizing new opportunities!
My ex would get annoyed with me if I talked about going to a new job – he was afraid of meeting someone else at work. When my cousins invited me on a little family vacation, he tried to talk me out of it because, as he put it, he was feeling left out.
These are just two examples, but failure to provide support can range anywhere from:
Don’t worry about your physical or mental health
Prevent you from looking for new opportunities
Stop your personal growth and progress
It makes it difficult for you to pursue your passions or hobbies
No matter how much your partner tries to frame this as doing something for your benefit, it just isn’t.
A loving partner will encourage you to be your best self and support you 100% in the process!
6) Their moods are unpredictable
Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner?
Does their mood seem to change as quickly as the weather?
Unexpected mood swings are another sign of dating a toxic person because you never feel safe and secure around them.
What starts out as a casual, innocent conversation can quickly blow off their fuse and spiral into a full-blown argument… This is not normal behavior in a relationship!
This is a tactic that makes you stay “on edge”. If you don’t know how they will respond, you should probably tread lightly and avoid doing anything to upset them.
The bottom line is:
In a healthy relationship, you should be able to discuss everything — even uncomfortable topics — without fear of criticizing them!
7) They lack respect for you
Now, all of the points on this list point to one main thing:
Your partner does not respect you.
This lack of respect in and of itself is a sign of toxicity in a person. So, aside from what we’ve already covered, what does disrespect look like?
Shame or humiliate you in front of others
Mockery about your decisions, actions, appearance, and personality
he is lying to you
Disloyalty or disloyalty
Unfortunately, you may not know whether the latter two occurred. But for sure, if your partner ever made fun of you or insulted you, you will remember that.
Because those kinds of feelings, no matter how much they justify their behavior, stay with you.
These are all signs that you are dating a toxic person and you should definitely consider getting out of the relationship!
8) They are verbally or physically abusive
And finally, if you’ve experienced verbal or physical abuse, there’s no doubt you’re dating a toxic person.
Verbal abuse can look like threats, name-calling, cursing, yelling, or trying to intimidate you with their words/voices.
Physical abuse can range from:
Exposure to stress or pressure
Exposure to a light or strong blow
Pinching or hair pulling
Being punched or kicked
being forced to have sex (this falls under sexual assault)
Often, a toxic partner will lash out physically or verbally, only to return the next day with tears in their eyes and an apology prepared (usually accompanied by a letter either blaming you for what happened or false promises to change).
I would like to stress that if you experience any of the above, you should remove yourself from the situation and get to safety immediately.
I know you might feel intimidated, but your well-being must take priority and you can’t do that if you stay with this person!
And to get yourself out of this relationship for good, read:
How to get out of a toxic relationship
If leaving the relationship fills you with dread because you know your partner is going to overreact, please know that the longer you stay in it, the worse it may become.
And even if they promise to change, if you don’t see any dedication from them to work on their problems (eg taking anger management classes, seeking therapy, etc.), there is a 99% chance they won’t change their toxic behavior.
So the first thing you need to do is build your support system.
If you haven’t told anyone what you’re going through, now is the time. Follow these instructions:
Trust only your closest and most trusted loved ones (such as a best friend or family member)
Don’t post about it online or where your partner can see it
Remember not to feel ashamed of your situation – it’s not your fault, and even the most knowledgeable people can fall into this situation
Then, once your support system is in place, you need to come up with an action plan for leaving. If you live with your partner, this might look like this:
Arranging a safe place for you to stay
Arranging for your financial security (especially if your partner has control over it)
Organizing when to physically leave the house (preferably when they are not around) and remove your belongings (have someone else collect or use police assistance if necessary)
Let your workplace know that you are leaving an abusive relationship (especially if you are concerned about physical abuse or stalking).
Finally, if you need to communicate with your partner during the breakup process, you need to set strong boundaries.
These boundaries will define what you are comfortable with and what you are not, i.e. meeting only in a public place, not being verbally abused over the phone, etc.
Unfortunately, I know what it’s like to leave a toxic relationship – it won’t be easy but there are things you can do to help yourself.
One resource I wish I had at the time of the breakup is Relationship Hero. This is a site where professionally trained relationship coaches offer their services.
I have since used it for other issues in the relationship, but if I had known about it at the time, I would have enlisted the help of a coach to ensure I put strong boundaries on my ex, as well as to help me recover from relationship trauma!
The truth is, family and friends will do their best, but sometimes you need a professional to lead you through life’s difficult moments, and for that, I highly recommend Relationship Hero.
