Many women live in abusive relationships and suffer like hell. what is the point? Why can’t they leave toxic relationships?
The research answers the question, “Why can’t you leave?”
When NFL quarterback Ray Rice knocked his fiancee Janay Palmer unconscious in an elevator, it didn’t get much attention at first. He was accused of domestic violence and suspended from playing twice. A few weeks later, he was formally charged, but he and Palmer were married the next day.
However, when a security video of the event surfaced, it quickly went viral. Watching Rice knock Palmer out of the elevator had a powerful effect on viewers. The ensuing outburst caused the NFL to scramble to increase their punishment of Ray Rice and conduct an internal review of their domestic violence policies.
Things took an interesting turn when Janay Palmer spoke out in defense of her husband. She apologized at a press conference, saying, “I deeply regret the role I played that night,” and later asked people to desist from their judgments and accusations. And she posted on Instagram, imploring others not to take anything away from the man she loves: “Just know that we will continue to grow and show the world what true love is.”
This triggered a new public response. Skeptical observers could not understand how Palmer could stand by her husband. Attacks have now turned towards her, with commentators questioning her sanity, innocence, and motives. Why would someone—let alone defense—stay with a man who knocked her unconscious? What was Palmer experiencing to defend him?
These accusations and questions led to a retreat. Victims and women’s rights advocates have spoken out in defense of Palmer and described the complex dilemmas faced by women in violent relationships. North Carolina HR director Beverly Gooden started the Twitter hashtag #WhyIStayed, sharing the reasons why her abusive marriage continues.
“I tried to leave the house once after he had a violent incident, and he blocked me,” Gooden said, later adding, “I thought love would conquer all.” Her hashtag became a rallying point, with hundreds of victims posting their stories about the factors that kept them in abusive relationships.
As domestic violence researchers, we were curious to see how these publications can help professionals and public observers better understand the unique challenges domestic violence victims face. Colleagues Jacqueline Cravens and Rola Amar and I examined these sounds to see what they can learn. We’ve collected, read, coded, and sorted hundreds of posts from women all over the world.
Through this analysis, we have identified eight main reasons women remain in abusive relationships.
- Distorted thoughts.
Being set and being hurt is painful and this leads to confusion, doubts, and self-blame. The perpetrators harass and accuse the victims, which exhausts them and causes despair and guilt. For example, women shared: “I thought I deserved it,” and “I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and blamed myself because I thought I provoked him.”
Others minimized the abuse as a way to deal with it, saying, “[I stayed] because I didn’t think emotional and financial abuse was actual abuse. Because words don’t leave bruises” and “Because I didn’t know what my boyfriend did to me was rape.”
- Self-harm.
Some of the unfortunate deformities are self-harm as a result of degrading treatment. Many women felt battered and worthless, saying, “It made me think I was worthless on my own,” and “I felt like I did something wrong and I deserve it.”
Read also : 5 Red Flags To Never Ignore In A Relationship
- Fear.
The risk of physical and emotional harm is strong, and abusers use this to control women and keep them trapped; Female victims of violence are more likely to experience intimidation and trauma than male victims.
One said, “I was afraid of him… I knew it would make leaving him a long-term, ugly nightmare.” Trying to leave the abuser is dangerous. One woman felt trapped by her husband’s “threats to hunt me down and hurt all my loved ones including our children while I watched and then get killed.”
- The desire to be faithful.
Many described wanting to help, or loving their partners in hopes they could change them: “I thought I could love abuse from him.” Others described inner values or commitments to marriage or a partner, with tweets like: “I thought I would be the strong one who would never leave and show loyalty to him. I would fix him and teach him to love.”
Others took pity and put their partner’s needs above their own: “His father died, he became an alcoholic, and [he] said God didn’t want me to leave him because he needed me to make him better.”
- Children.
These women also put their children first, sacrificing their security: “I was afraid he would beat his children if he didn’t beat me. And I valued their lives more than mine.” And, “I stayed for 20 years while protecting our children throughout the time I was abused.”
Others mentioned staying for the benefit of the children: “I wanted my son to have a father.”
- Family expectations and experiences.
Many have posted descriptions of how past experiences with violence have distorted their sense of self or healthy relationships: “I watched [my dad] beat my mom. Then I found someone just like my dad,” or “Because you were raised by animals, you partnered with wolves.”
Some mentioned family and religious pressures: “My mother told me that God would disown me if I broke my marriage.”
- Financial constraints.
Many pointed to financial limitations, which were often associated with childcare: “I had no family, two small children, no money, and no guilt because he had brain damage from a car accident.”
Others were unable to keep their jobs due to the abuser’s control or injuries, while others were used financially by the abuser: “My ex had accumulated thousands of debts in my name.”
- Solitude.
A common tactic of manipulative partners is to separate their victim from family and friends. Sometimes this is physical, as one woman put it: “I was literally trapped in the woods of WV.” Other times, the isolation is emotional, with one woman being told, “You either have friends and family or you can be with me.”
Although common, these eight reasons for survival do not describe every victim and every situation. A woman can also be a perpetrator, any gender can be a victim, and there are many patterns of violence.
However, these publications offer compelling insider opinions about the difficulties of making decisions in an violent relationship that are useful for outsiders to understand. One reason many victims are reluctant to speak up is because they fear being judged and pressured by friends and professionals. If more people responded to victims’ stories of abuse with concern and empathy rather than criticism, more victims might speak up and find the support they need to live abuse-free lives.
