We all know that feeling. The pain you feel in your chest when your partner puts you down or ignores your needs again. You’re shaking inside but you ignore it and make excuses.
If this feeling is something you feel frequently, please know that you deserve better.
This article will enable you to stand up for yourself by displaying 8 destructive behaviors that should never be tolerated, according to psychology research.
Get ready to rediscover your self-worth.
1) Violence
This one is non-negotiable. Any form of physical violence has no place in a love relationship. You know the truth – even a hard push or pinch should never be tolerated – no matter the circumstances.
Commit to walking away the first time this happens. Your safety comes first. Expecting/hoping that violent people will change will make it harder for you to escape. Most physical abusers apologize profusely and promise the world afterward, only to repeat the cycle.
If you are experiencing violence in a relationship and are finding it difficult to break up, please contact your loved one and/or the Domestic Violence Hotline.
2) Cursing/insulting at you
Sometimes a curse word can be said as a joke, but if your partner is yelling at you, calling you a bad name, or using any other type of harsh language, that’s not acceptable.
According to Daniel Sonkin LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist), name calling is a form of abuse.
If this happens to you, it’s best to address it before it harms your relationship.
Wait until you both calm down and then set your boundaries clearly. Let your partner know that you will not accept being called names or spoken to in this way. If necessary, tell them that you will move away when that happens, until they are ready to respect them again.
Hopefully they will respect your boundaries, and if not, it may be time to walk away for good.
3) It frustrates you
We all make mistakes sometimes. But insults at a time of weakness can tear apart a relationship. Name calling doesn’t always involve swear words.
Like the time my friend (let’s call her Jill) decided to perform at an open comedy night. This was her first night performing and it took a lot of courage to put herself out there.
She chokes up on stage, and instead of sympathizing with her, her horrible boyfriend tells her she’s a “talentless hack.” Jill cried for days.
Repeated insults are often a sign of a narcissistic partner who seeks to make you feel down so you don’t push him away first. Even if he is not narcissistic, this behavior seems cruel and cruel. Other reductions may include:
“You look stupid when you say things like that.”
“You’ll never achieve anything”
“Why do you always look like a mess?”
“No one really loves you”
“You are a boring/selfish/uptight person (etc.)”
If you hear a lot of things like this, you should stay away.
While it’s okay, and even helpful, to offer constructive criticism. What we should seek is a partner who can disagree gently and offer wisdom, not judgement. Jill’s previous generation could have gently encouraged her to continue doing comedy without insulting her abilities.
Playful banter with a little sarcasm can definitely liven things up. But does your partner constantly talk to you from a position of superiority? Do they publicly put you down under the guise of “just kidding”?
This is not a real joke – it is humiliation. And you deserve the best.
4) Constant criticism
Discounts are a form of cash.
According to famous relationship psychologists Dr. John and Julie Gottman Constant criticism is one of the four biggest relationship killers they call the “Four Horsemen.” The Gottmans are a married couple, and they say they can always predict which relationships will end by observing these “four horsemen.”
Criticism focuses on the negative without offering solutions. Constant criticism can reduce your self-worth.
Related : If you recognize these 7 feelings, you’ve probably dealt with a toxic person
After a friend of mine gained weight during the pandemic, her husband would scold her daily for her “lack of self-control.” It had gotten so bad that she dreaded coming home from work.
This led to a negative cycle in which she lacked self-esteem, making it difficult for her to feel motivated to get back in shape.
This made her feel that she really hated her husband, so she began to criticize him in return. Fortunately, the couple went to relationship counseling and a therapist helped them identify this pattern. This ultimately saved their marriage.
Pay attention, because if a partner becomes a constant critic instead of a caring supporter, contempt can quickly set in. Gottman considers contempt another huge predictive factor in whether couples will divorce.
5) Invalidate your feelings
Invalidating feelings turns off emotional intimacy faster than almost anything else. When you reveal an emotional hurt, and then your partner completely ignores it, it’s extremely painful.
For example, if you share an upsetting incident at work, and instead of empathizing, your partner ignores you.
“You’re overreacting,” they say.
Or “It’s not a big deal, get over it.”
When you open your heart but get a dismissive response, it indicates a lack of respect. Your feelings are your feelings and they are real no matter what anyone says.
Healthy relationships involve listening and validating even when partners disagree.
Once, during a heated argument, my ex-partner invalidated my lived experience as a person of color.
Although we later reconciled, I was shocked that someone so close could be so dismissive. We had some difficult conversations after that. For anyone going through this, remember that receiving a genuine apology and accepting responsibility is a good way to repair some hurt.
To be clear, saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” does not mean taking responsibility!
6) Ignore offers of attention
This is another one of those scary “four horsemen”.
Communicating with your partner affectionately or playfully and then feeling cold hurts you. It can also look like you’re proud of an accomplishment in life or at work, and then get no response.
At the heart of the matter, adults are just big kids. Most of us thrive with proper praise and attention and wither without it.
Gottman Institute research shows that constantly ignoring these “offers” hurts emotional connection, which is another warning sign that often comes before a breakup.
As part of my health counseling practice, I’ve been working with a man we’ll call Nathan. He regularly felt that his partner Elena (not her real name) didn’t pay him much attention.
Sometimes it was about big things, often it was about small things. One thing that stuck out to me was Nathan telling me about funny memes and cute animal videos he finds online.
He will try to show it to his girlfriend Elena, trying to share a fun moment. But she didn’t even want to look up from her phone, as she saw it as childish and unworthy of her attention.
“I might as well be alone,” he said to me once, feeling depressed.
What Elena didn’t realize was that Nathan was trying to build a relationship with her through shared moments of humor.
We may not find everything our partner does funny or interesting, but we can try to recognize and acknowledge that they are looking for us to notice and connect with them. It only takes a moment to look up and pay some attention.
7) Procrastination
Few behaviors sound cooler than stonewalling, and this is another of the Gottman family’s “Four Horsemen” behavior that signals an upcoming breakup.
Emotionally isolating yourself through silence, changing the subject when difficult things come up, or leaving the room entirely is a sign of a major problem. It’s a bit like rejecting an attempt to attract attention, but on a more intense scale.
For most of us, being completely stonewalled by our partner can leave us at best frustrated and, at worst, deeply hurt and feeling alone.
Do you need some alone time to process a conflict? Totally fair. But refusing any contact on important issues constitutes abuse.
Communication and effort are key in any relationship. Procrastination is the enemy of these things.
8) Not having your back
Partners who are constantly against you show that they are not on your team. It may not be that they are on the side of others, but that they do not realize when you really need support. It breeds resentment over time, and unfortunately, I’ve seen the results in my own family.
Related : People who lack integrity often display these 12 behaviors (without realizing it)
When my aunt’s mother-in-law pulled her aside to criticize Gina’s parenting, Gina looked hopefully to her husband to defend her. Instead, he sat there silently, nodding in front of his mother.
Jenna said she felt completely betrayed.
Although she later tried to address the issue with her husband, he remained defensive. Unfortunately, years of accumulated hurt led to their split.
If you feel like your partner isn’t supporting you when it really matters, make sure you tell them as soon as you’ve calmed down. Explain how that made you feel, and what kind of response you want in the future. Talking about these things can help you avoid what my family went through.
You deserve respect
If any behaviors on this list ring true in your relationship, trust your gut. You deserve a partner who respects you even during disagreements. While counseling can help address communication issues, disdain or cruelty must stop immediately.
You owe it to yourself to be treated with dignity by those closest to you.
Ultimately, a healthy relationship comes down to the golden rule, which is treating your partner the way you want to be treated. Expect and cherish mutual care, compassion and kindness above all else.
