When you feel a failure after a divorce, everything carries with it a dark, self-flagellation cloud “sucks”.
Your once-confident instincts feel like a harbinger of foolishness… because you’re “smutty.”
Every vision of your future is torn to shreds and a new vision seems impossible…because you’re “smutty”.
You know you survived worse but for your life, you can’t remember what and when… let alone how you did it.
Now, all you know is that you blew it.
She committed to marriage and quit.
You. sucking.
Fear not, brave woman of the future!
Your anxiety is actually evidence that you are moving forward on the grief spectrum. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five major stages of grief in the early 1970s: denial, anger, bargaining, grief, and acceptance. Anger is really a mask for more subtle, unaddressed frustrations. Haggling is a “will/should/could” mind game that we unconsciously play with ourselves. The heart of that suffering comes from the mistaken belief that we control the uncontrollable.
Movement from stage to stage looks like a collage of our greatest hits on permanent display in the lobby of your life. “Hey, new (job/relationship/opportunity/etc) please note my complete and utter failure as we move around it and try to get to the heart of my actual home where hope once dwelled… hmmm… it’s in here somewhere I know I am I saw him that day.”
Even if hitting yourself is the only exercise you get right now, it’s time to redirect that attention and do these 7 small, but effective, things instead. Before you know it, you will forgive yourself for your past and confidently create a new, fulfilling future.
- Take a third person perspective
If you had to describe the person you were 11 years old with, what would you say about them in detail? Is she reckless? adventurer? vision? Afraid of power?
Now do the same exercise for yourself at 18.25.38 today.
At each stage of the game, she becomes a unique character whose circumstances are not determined more and more by her personality.
Habits shift. Some beliefs while others run deep.
From this distant, more objective perspective, you can see that she (you) is constantly learning and growing. You see, decisions made in one 11-year-old set of circumstances were really the best you could do with the information and tools you had at the time.
Just because your 18-year-old choices were informed by different experiences and tools doesn’t mean your 11-year-old self was an irreplaceable dummy. Likewise with every age and set of circumstances.
Yes, even your divorce! You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time.
Your growth, your success, is iterative. It always was. This way, when you feel like a failure after a divorce, you can see that it really is just a feeling. It’s not the truth.
- Investigate your beliefs.
Beliefs are just ordinary thoughts.
What you understand as reality is built over time, on the evidence you have been paying attention to.
Replay every error and you will eventually think you are corrupt.
However, with every success, you will build the belief that you are successful!!
Instead of berating yourself for what you thought were your mistakes, be your own cheerleader:
Talk to yourself the way you talk to your best friend. What are you going to tell her?
What strengths are you referring to?
How many examples of the splendor of the Amazon would you hail as signs of your own courage and perseverance?
Sure, she fell to the ground, but didn’t she also get up because she screamed so loud??
Now make this best friend your own.
Write down all the evidence you find of your unique “winner” brand.
Review your strengths every day.
Add new things as each time someone (even yourself) sees the greatness in you.
Eventually, your cool sauce will feel as true as any old nonsense you think you carry about your “failures.”
- Harness the benefits of [futuristic] hindsight
Assume that you are the older, wiser version of yourself from the future.
“Older” takes years.
Wisdom requires some growth and healing.
You can focus on growth and healing anytime… until now.
What reflections and thoughts do you have 10+ years ago? How about you +20? As she reviews her life and sees her strength, wisdom and joy, what painful experiences are she thankful for?
It’s really good that the divorce is in place somewhere. At least to an extent. What lessons have you learned? Does she appreciate her ability to survive (even through) the terrifying twists and turns of life?
She can feel empowered by the fact that she can let someone walk when they don’t quite respect healthy boundaries. She might even appreciate the irony her ex allowed her when he made room for the kinds of relationships she didn’t need to set healthy boundaries with in the first place!
Now, how do you feel? The emotional state of resolution, peace, and even joy will give you an internal reference point for the genre
I feel it.
Feel the truth deep in your bones.
read : 7 Ways To Help Your Child Cope-Up With Your Divorce
4. Redefine failure.
Think long and hard about your favorite successes. Each of them is built on the backs of a variety of failures. This is exactly how you improve anything in your life.
Every “failure” in your life comes with an opportunity to strengthen something you need: patience, resilience, forgiveness…you.
You have this opportunity now. If you keep berating yourself for “failure,” you’re missing out on success. Elaborating on the past is only useful if you are willing to research the tools you used to move past it.
“Failure” is having the courage to finish one chapter and write the next.
Failure is opportunity. Courage is the tool.
“Failure” is having the wisdom to let go of what is no longer in your best interest.
Failure is opportunity. Acumen is the tool.
“Failure” is being gracious enough to let someone go, even when you don’t understand why.
Failure is opportunity. Tolerance is the tool.
What opportunity does your “failure” present to you?
Read : 5 Situations When Divorce Is The Best Parenting Decision You Can Make
- Regardez les possibilités futures.
Que vous vous sentiez mieux ou non dans votre passé, il suffit de pratiquer les quatre premières choses à faire lorsque vous vous sentez comme un échec après un divorce.
Avec un peu de pratique à votre actif, vous comprendrez bientôt (et accepterez bientôt) que tout ce que vous pensez de la fin de votre mariage (soit lui, soit vous, soit vous avez tous les deux été un échec) a clos ce chapitre. Vous avez un avenir grand ouvert devant vous.
Une fois que vous acceptez d’épouser une personne, vous acceptez également de rejeter les innombrables autres possibilités de votre vie. C’est la nature du “coût d’opportunité”, l’idée que dire “oui” à une option signifie intrinsèquement dire “non” à toutes les autres. Comprenez cela et vous réaliserez rapidement que sans votre conjoint, vous avez une fois de plus ouvert la porte à d’innombrables autres options non mariées dans votre vie.
Il y aura des moments où vous perdrez. Après tout, non seulement vous avez perdu votre relation, mais tous les espoirs et rêves qui l’accompagnent. La douleur est normale. Ce n’est pas non plus la seule expérience disponible.
Il y aura aussi des moments où vous verrez une nouvelle possibilité, vous sentirez curieux et (oserais-je dire) plein d’espoir ! Permettez-vous aussi de ressentir toutes ces bonnes choses. Un tout nouveau monde s’offre désormais à vous. Comme un enfant dans un magasin de bonbons, vous parcourez, imaginez, anticipez et finalement choisissez ce que vous voulez.
- Autoriser plus d’une façon “correcte” d’envisager l’avenir.
Je comprends… Pendant vos vacances en Europe, vous avez fantasmé sur vous et un partenaire. Et si, à la place, vous et moi pratiquions la photographie pendant votre voyage ?
Ne serait-il pas amusant de tout savoir sur les vins sud-américains et de rencontrer d’autres personnes qui font de même ? Que diriez-vous de vous et d’un ami proche planant près du siège de votre pantalon sans aucun plan ? Ne pourrait-il pas arriver que Chen dans les rues de Paris sauve les égarés ?
Quelles aventures vous attendent alors que vous partez dans le monde sans être contraint par une relation ou par le désespoir de sa perte ?
Créez-vous de nouveaux rituels. Promenez-vous le dimanche dans le parc, tricotez au café du coin, jouez au hockey au travail une fois par mois et allez vous promener. Votre avenir n’a pas besoin d’être un changement majeur par rapport au passé pour apporter soit la fermeture soit l’espoir. Les petits pas s’additionnent.
est en train de lire
- Imaginez que vous vous sentez plein d’espoir, complet et heureux.
Vous voulez savoir pourquoi imaginer une bagarre avec votre patron suscite la même réaction d’adrénaline que de vous battre avec votre patron ? Parce que le cerveau ne fait pas la différence entre ce que vous voyez avec vos yeux et ce que vous voyez avec votre imagination. La bonne chose est que cela fonctionne positivement aussi.
Vous n’avez pas à imaginer être en paix avec votre divorce, imaginez simplement être en paix. Imaginez rire. Faites semblant d’être aventureux. Laissez votre imagination déclencher les sentiments dont vous avez besoin pour vous guider vers le prochain meilleur pas en avant.
Be kind to yourself
Not everyone will understand why you haven’t already gotten over it. This is their story about an arbitrary grieving timeline, most likely an expression of their lack of security because they don’t know how to help friends deal with grief.
It is then up to you to be kind to yourself.
Read 5 Science-Backed Reasons People Get Divorced
All of these little things to do when you feel like a failure after divorce are just advanced versions of being self-compassionate.
Yes, little gestures and kindness go a long way. Treat yourself to a decadent coffee in a cozy little café. Take a bubble bath. Spend time with the affected parts of you meditating or journaling.
But when those just don’t cut it or, worse, make you feel bad, it’s time for the more deliberate practice mentioned here.
Give yourself space to feel, think, heal, and grow as you begin to move forward into your new future. With a lot of practice and a little faith in yourself, you will get ahead successfully.
