So, your marriage is over and you are getting a divorce. It’s been a long and sad walk but you know now that it’s over. The question is – what next? You have not been through this before and have no idea what the next steps should be.
Divorce can be hell – everything familiar in your life changes and it can be devastating. Keeping the kids in good spirits, trying to focus on work, and wondering what the hell you’re going to cook for dinner seems like more than you can handle some days.
I get it. I was there.
But, I’m also here to tell you that you can, and will, get through your divorce as it is, and maybe better than ever.
Here are the steps to take to make the divorce process easier…
- Make your space a safe haven.
When I was getting a divorce, I met a woman who had gone through it the year before. Because I had never been through a divorce before, I had no idea how to handle it. Lucky for me, she was able to help because she had just been through it.
I had moved out of our family home and found a rental. I had left my stuff at our house so it would look good when we tried to sell it. My new boyfriend told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to get my stuff and bring it to my new home.
For women, when we’re going through a tough time, our surroundings matter a lot. It’s something almost primitive – our nesting instinct. Women want their space to be a comfortable and happy place.
So what did you do? I moved my stuff into my rental and filled out our family home with furniture from a professional home improvement company. Did it make a difference? Oh yeah, I did. Being surrounded by my furniture, with my pictures, sleeping in my bed with my bed sheets on, and seeing the little things that had piled up on me over the years on the shelves all gave me a sense of relief. My life has been so confusing because of all the changes but coming home to my stuff has given me more relief than I can even explain.
Related: 7 Small Things To Do When You Feel Like A Failure After Divorce
- Put together a strong support system.
For many women, getting a divorce is extremely embarrassing. It feels like a failure on so many levels. And because that’s the case, we often try to go it alone. We think we can make it through and get through it and we’ll be fine.
But, in fact, we all need support when we are going through this very difficult period. We’ve never been divorced and have no idea what we’re doing and it’s very important that we align ourselves with knowledgeable and supportive people.
What kind of people?
someone who’s been through it before. My friend who is going through a divorce has been an invaluable source of information and support. She could look back on her own divorce and talk to me about her successes and failures, so, while finalizing the divorce proceedings, I knew what to look for. Without it, I’m not sure I could have gotten through it all as well as you did.
Processor. I found myself a therapist that I talk to every week. I really felt like I was the biggest loser on the planet because my husband decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore. She was incredibly helpful, pointing out that divorces don’t happen because one person didn’t do something right but there are two people in a marriage and they both share some responsibility for what went wrong.
Massage therapist. Another person who really helped me when I was going through a divorce was my massage therapist. My husband left me right after my youngest child went to school so I was left completely alone. For the first time in 18 years, I wasn’t affected regularly. So, I indulged in massage and got a massage once a week for three months. Having someone touch me 60 minutes a week has helped me tremendously through those very turbulent times.
lawyer. Immediately, I got myself a lawyer. Not a lawyer, as many people have suggested, I should get, but a lawyer I know is strong but reasonable. I didn’t want my divorce to be about two lawyers trying to prove who was the better lawyer. She was able to guide me through the reality of getting a divorce and how much it would cost. The information for me is very powerful. It makes me feel like I have some control over my outcome. Talking to her gave me the clarity I needed to be able to move forward.
- Create a map of what you want your future to look like.
After speaking to my attorney, I realized I would have to take care of myself for the rest of my life. I was afraid out of my mind.
I was mostly a stay-at-home mom for 20 years, and all of a sudden, I would be responsible for taking care of myself financially, paying my taxes, finding healthcare, and figuring out how to fix something broken in the house. I was so confused and didn’t know how to handle it.
So, I made myself a map of my scary future and figured out the best route to take.
First, I thought about where I wanted to live, what I wanted my life to look like, and what I wanted to do now that I was on my own. I realized that although being alone was scary, it also gave me a certain amount of freedom. For the first time in 20 years, I was able to live the way I wanted to live. Realizing that has really helped me stay more positive about the divorce process and how things will eventually work out. I almost felt hopeful once I had a picture of what the future might look like.
Then, I made a plan. I came up with a list of things I would need to consider for my future and made a list of people who could support me when I needed support. I found myself a financial planner. I found myself a CPA to do my taxes, at least until I get a good grasp on using the tax calculator. I found myself a handyman who could help me with those things around the house that I couldn’t take care of myself.
Finally, I did the math. I figured out what my expenses were, so I knew what kind of money I would need moving forward to survive. Armed with this knowledge, I was able to secure the kind of alimony I would need to get myself back on my feet.
Making a plan, and having an idea of what my future looked like and how I was going, really helped me through getting through the divorce.
- Make self-care a priority.
Fortunately for me, when I was going through a divorce, I didn’t drink. Although I haven’t been much of a drinker over the past 20 years, I have to admit that the urge to drink a bottle of wine on a lonely night at home often felt very appealing. I think if I had indulged in those bottles of wine, I might have struggled more to figure out what I needed to do going forward.
What I did instead of drinking was yoga. I practiced yoga every day. When my mind started to spiral out of control, I would use yoga to bring it back. When I started to feel like I wasn’t going to survive, I used yoga to make my body stronger.
I also made an effort to spend a lot of time in the sunlight because the warmth of the sun made me feel healthy and strong and the vitamin D from the sun helped relieve my depression.
And of course, I ate well, as at least I could, and made a great effort to get enough sleep.
I know, in retrospect, that taking care of myself and keeping my mind and body strong really helped me get through this divorce the way it is and helped ease my pain when the divorce process was contentious.
- Keep moving forward!
I know divorce can be very difficult. Even amicably divorced people struggle to get through it all without hurt feelings and drama. Divorce can take a long time, so you may be tempted to give up. To put aside your own needs to end the horrific process and get on with your life.
Do not do it! More than anything, it’s important to take the time to get your divorce done right. I know many women who have come away from a difficult divorce and have struggled for the rest of their lives, financially and/or emotionally. They don’t get enough money to make a fresh start or find themselves saddled with regret and anger for longer than they should.
So don’t give up. Make a plan and stay the course. he deserves it.
Knowing the steps ahead of you when you get a divorce is an important part of being successful in overcoming it all.
I know the divorce ahead of you can seem daunting. You never know how things will turn out and that can be intimidating. And you wonder how you can ever be happy again.
Related: 16 Signs You Are An Option Not A Priority
I know you may not believe it now, because things from where you’re sitting look pretty bad, but I can promise you the view from the other side is rosy.
So, when you get divorced, make sure you are surrounded by things that make you happy, reach out for support from whoever you need to get support from, make a plan for the future, take care of yourself, and never give up.
You can do that. I promise you.
