The strong attraction between narcissists and people-pleasers is no coincidence. There is a magnetic attraction between the two that is difficult to break because each fulfills a deep need for the other.
This is not anyone’s fault. Rather, it is an unhealthy union that breeds dysfunction. This is why people-pleasing is a narcissistic goal.
- Narcissism requires feeding, and people-pleasing is its best source.
In contrast to their outward appearance of self-reliance, determination, and independence, narcissists internally crave the approval of others. They need a constant daily supply of attention, admiration and affection. This support is necessary to secure their superior status over others. Without it, they become extremely angry.
- People pleasers like to impress others, provide support, and feel needed in order to validate their self-worth.
They constantly seek acceptance and belonging from others, which narcissists are willing to provide as long as things are done their way.
- Narcissists can be very protective of people pleasers because they don’t want their source of esteem to disappear.
People-pleasers need to feel like they belong to someone, and who better than a narcissist who seems larger than life. As a result, they both gain a sense of control and security.
- The ultimate goal of boosting a people pleaser’s confidence is to gain the approval of a picky person like a narcissist.
There is a feeling that if a person can gain the approval of the narcissist, they can then gain the approval of everyone else. It is natural that the narcissist loves attention and constantly seeks approval because this feeds his ego.
- People-pleasers view narcissists through rose-colored glasses, ignoring any distasteful characteristics.
This confirms the validity of narcissists’ view of themselves because they do not see their flaws. People-pleasers are willing to look past the negative aspects of narcissism in exchange for acceptance.
- When narcissists get angry, people pleasers often take the blame.
Instead of holding the narcissist accountable for his or her behavior, people-pleasers prefer to defuse the situation by accepting unnecessary responsibility. The narcissist needs to have someone else held accountable for the failure because his ego cannot handle being wrong.
- Narcissists love to save others.
This feeds their belief that they are better, stronger and more powerful than others. People pleasers often take on too much, and as a result they need someone to come in and clean up the mess. Because the people pleaser displays extreme levels of gratitude for help, the narcissist is willing to provide it.
Breaking free from this attraction takes a lot of work but it can be done. It starts with the simple step of identifying the narcissist and recognizing their people-pleasing tendency. It’s not too late to see things clearly.
