Emotional manipulation is difficult.
When someone gets good at this, you can’t even know you’re being manipulated in the first place, and oftentimes, you’re only given this clarity when the situation is long in the past and you can analyze it in retrospect.
But this is exactly why it is important that we all learn the ins and outs of narcissistic mind games. If you know what real manipulation looks like, you’ll be less likely to fall for it in the first place, saving yourself a lot of tears and turmoil.
Here are 7 mind games narcissists play to keep you in their grip.
1) Promise game
Can you bet on one of the most powerful human emotions?
The answer is…
Hopes. As long as you have at least a modicum of hope to hold on to, it doesn’t matter how dire your circumstances are – you’ll still have faith that somewhere down the road, things will get better.
Related : 7 warning signs you’re dealing with a manipulator or narcissist
Don’t get me wrong, I love hope. It’s what keeps us going when all else fails.
But unfortunately, hope can be used against us too. Narcissists know very well that if they promise you the world, if they promise you so you can look forward to the future… you will still have them.
Sure, things may not be perfect right now. The way this person treats you is definitely not all that great. But the promise of a better future looms large, clouding your judgment and keeping you grounded in the twisted relationship dynamic.
Don’t give in to it. Instead, ask yourself: “What evidence do I see in front of me?” No matter how many promises they make, it is their actions that show their true character.
2) Border game
I recently spoke with a friend whose narcissistic husband once told her, “When you wear a swimsuit to the beach, it turns me on and breaks my boundaries. If you respected my mental health, you wouldn’t do that.”
Oh, the twisted games narcissists play to get what they want.
By turning psychology jargon on its head—he turned another person’s independent actions into his own limits rather than admitting he was simply insecure—my ex was able to make her seem like the bad guy even though he was unreasonably demanding.
Everyone’s boundaries are different, which is why this game is so clever – sometimes, it’s really hard to know if someone’s boundaries are right or if they’re manipulating you.
Personally, I always ask myself if someone’s demands conflict with my freedom of self-expression.
If my partner doesn’t want me to cheat, these are valid boundaries because cheating is completely against the unilateral “deal” we made. If they don’t want me to wear a swimsuit to the beach, it goes against my core values and breaks my boundaries.
3) Game smarter than you
Psychology jargon is not the only weapon in a narcissist’s arsenal. If they are smart, they know how to sharpen every piece of knowledge into a sword.
Knowledge is one of the most important things you can ever possess. If a narcissist is well-read, he will show you how smart he is so that you will completely believe anything he says.
I had a friend who knew everything about anything. Over time, I began to believe anything that came out of his mouth simply because there had been enough instances in the past where he had been right that I believed everything he said was true.
I was wrong. Sometimes he would decorate things. He presented only the facts that fit his own narrative, ignoring opposing arguments. He always said that his knowledge came from research, but more than a few times, he couldn’t find the study he was talking about.
Over time, I stopped putting as much trust in him. But that wasn’t the case for some of my other friends, because they didn’t bother to fact-check his claims.
If you pair this with narcissism, you’ll have a very strong personality – someone who is intelligent, who knows how to twist little bits of the truth to fit his story, and who will use his intelligence to make you feel dependent on him. .
Related : 7 subtle ways a master manipulator will toy with your emotions
They know better than you, after all. Why shouldn’t you listen to them? Why don’t you listen to their advice? Why not fall in love with their intelligence and charm?
My advice is to always validate what they are telling you and really challenge them during discussions. Narcissists hate being proven wrong.
4) The game of weakness
Is there any worse feeling than realizing you opened up to the wrong person?
Yes, not much can beat that. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens when you’re dealing with a narcissist – he’s so charming that you end up opening up to him about your deepest vulnerabilities, only for him to use those vulnerabilities against you.
The worst part is that while they specifically hit you, it is extremely painful as they restrict you with them even more.
How is that?
Well, imagine telling someone that you don’t like yourself very much. Imagine admitting the fact that you are afraid that no one will love you properly.
A few months later, the same person might treat you like trash, but the moment you want to leave, he says, “Come on, I’m the only one who will ever love you. No one else will put up with you. Do you really want to leave the only person in the world who actually loves you?” ?
5) Prove me wrong game
If you love someone, one of the worst things they can say is that they simply don’t believe you.
“I thought you loved me, but I guess I was wrong.”
“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t mind doing X or Y.”
“You just don’t love me as much as I love you.”
The thing about narcissists is that they are so selfish that they will shamelessly manipulate you to always get what they want.
If things don’t go their way, they will rely on your love for them to achieve that goal. And what better way to do that than by saying that you simply don’t love them enough and asking you to prove them wrong?
If you do. Time and time again, you do your best to show them how strong your love and loyalty are. Until one day, you realize you’ve done so much for them, invested so much time and energy, that the thought of leaving completely drains you.
Because if I left, why all this? Have you really been manipulated the whole time? Was this all a game?
It’s very difficult to go through something like this, but realizing that past investment does not translate into future investment is an important part of the process.
6) Isolation game
Ah, the good old insulation technique.
If your partner or friend tries to isolate you from others and keep you only to yourself, stay on your guard.
This is because manipulators thrive when you have no one else to turn to for help. They’re at their best when you can’t discuss their toys with your sister or cousin and when they make up the majority of your social world.
It might start small, like her telling you that your friend Lucy isn’t really good for you or saying that your brother seems too controlling. But over time, the isolation game escalates, and before you know it, you can’t go out with anyone except this person.
Remember: A good partner or friend who has your best interests at heart will never cut you off from others.
7) Intermittent reinforcement game
Finally, intermittent reinforcement is one of the harshest tactics a narcissist can use on you. Researcher Shahida Arabi, MA, describes it as “a pattern of cruel and harsh treatment mixed with random emotional outbursts.”
This brings us back to our initial point about hope. If someone treats you poorly, only to bombard you with affection a few weeks later, you’ll hold on to those good moments and hope with all your might that they eventually become the norm.
The bad times will certainly decrease in quantity and intensity. The good times are definitely about who your partner or friend really is on the inside.
Unfortunately, it’s rarely that easy. Narcissists know that if they treat you poorly, you won’t have any reason to stay, so they offer something to keep your hopes up from time to time.
It’s very difficult to deal with a situation like this, but again, one of the things that has helped me a lot is to ask yourself, “What is the evidence in front of me?”
And then comes the question: “Would my soul mate/love of my life treat me this way?”
No, they won’t.
There is someone better for you.
