It’s easy to fall in love with a narcissist early in a relationship, but over time, many narcissists’ partners and others who love them become frustrated and want to help them change. But can a narcissist ever be changed?
Many will say no. However, I disagree with that, and I believe that a narcissist can change – if he wants to!
Before you can commit to helping a narcissist change, you must know a few things about the person you are dealing with.
A narcissist can be characterized by his self-importance, arrogance, and sense of entitlement. They expect special treatment and praise while they cannot handle criticism. They often exaggerate their contributions and accomplishments in their own minds, lack empathy, and may take advantage of their partners and friends.
It is important to note that beneath their facade, narcissists often have fragile self-esteem. Their narcissistic traits may have arisen from feelings of shame, leading them to embrace the belief that they are always right and superior.
This adaptation allowed them to maintain a sense of self-worth, albeit a distorted one. They protected their self-perception in various ways, such as blaming others, denying personal responsibility, and rejecting any semblance of insight or self-awareness.
If this person really wants to change (sometimes called a “self-conscious narcissist”), there are some ideas I can share as a therapist on how to support a narcissist who wants to change.
Related: I Mistook My Covert Narcissist Husband For A Simple, Easygoing Man — The Crucial Sign I Missed
Five ways to support a narcissist who wants to change for the better
- Know what you are working on.
Clearly identify the specific behavior that needs to change and stay focused until you feel satisfied that you can move forward. This clarity and focused direction will take you to celebration day sooner rather than later.
Years ago, my husband and I used a Bristol board and colored pencils to liven up our coaching discussions. So, while working on personal responsibility and accountability, we first wrote down the title and then a list of times he said, “I did that” or “I will fix it.” Although it sounds corny, this list was posted on the kitchen wall and became a family sharing project. We discussed privately the times he made excuses and practiced doing better things.
- More than just accepting that your partner needs to make changes to his or her daily choices.
They are only human, and they are bound to get tired of the arduous process of self-improvement. They just want to get on with it and I don’t blame them.
What if you wrote a mantra under your kitchen board poster that said: “I am responsible and it is no one else’s fault.” Of course, this only applies when they are responsible and it’s no one else’s fault.
- Know when you have succeeded.
After a few weeks of discussing one topic and you both agree that it’s time to move on, do so, and accept that you may have to reconsider it. I can (almost) promise that each successive visit results in a happier family. Change begins with the sincere intention to change.
Related: Diagnosed Narcissist Shares The Riddle That Can Allegedly Determine If You’re A Psychopath
- Celebrate the wins along the way.
Take the time to acknowledge and celebrate every step of progress and positive change. Recognizing accomplishments, no matter how small, boosts motivation and fosters a supportive and encouraging environment.
By following these guidelines and communicating your reasonable boundaries, you can effectively coach your partner in mutual respect, interdependence, team effort, and power-sharing. Remember, it is a collaborative effort where you are both equal and can work towards a safer and happier life.
- Know the change you are training for.
There may be aspects of your partner’s self-absorption that are more problematic than the following six, and you will give them the highest priority. But do not ignore these signs of behavioral change in a person with a narcissistic personality.
Related: 8 Reasons Why My Narcissistic Cat Would Be The Worst Husband Ever
