When a man is a narcissist, he will do anything to get to the top. Even if it means willingly playing the victim using a defensive manipulation tactic called “DARVO” — which is what Brett Kavanaugh recently did during his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing.
What is DARVO?
Jennifer J. Freed, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, coined this acronym to describe “a typical reaction of perpetrators of wrongdoing, especially sex offenders, in response to being held accountable for their behavior.”
Related: The Hard Truths I Learned About Life & Love From Dating A Narcissist
Justice Kavanaugh’s initially quiet disavowal (denial) quickly turned to anger (attack), then to tears (reverse), along with self-indignation (victimization) as he bemoaned how his life had been ruined by those who directed Counts. (Now the perpetrators). This claim appears to be a slight exaggeration, since he is now a member of the Supreme Court.
President Trump used his DARVO when he not only defended Kavanaugh, but reminded us how he was wrongfully accused of sexual indiscretions by “four or five” women, apparently rounding the number of accusers down. a lot.
You may have seen DARVO advocacy up close and personal in your own relationships. It can start when you ask a simple question. You soon see that what you thought was a reasonable query turns into a conflict.
It becomes clear that your partner believes that you are accusing him of something completely scandalous. There’s a lot of back and forth as the conversation heats up. Turns out it was your fault all along. You know the drill.
Here’s how DARVO works.
She sees a text message on his phone. It’s from a woman. It’s not someone you know. He seems flirtatious. Ask about it.
He calmly tells you some nonsense about the woman’s identity, denying that anything disturbing happened. You ask a follow-up question or two.
He starts getting angry. Then he goes into a froth, screaming that you can never trust him. It points out how grateful you are for everything he does for you.
He escalates by telling you what a pathetic whiner you’ve become. And by the way, you’re paranoid – you always think he’s up to something. He thought you were special, but maybe he was wrong about you.
If you keep making your case about why any reasonable person would naturally be a skeptic, he’ll cry.
This is where “reflection” comes into play.
He may be complaining: “How can you think so badly of me?”
Or it could be a bossy, “I don’t know what else I can do to prove my love for you.”
Or maybe it’s a frantic, “I’ve spent so much of my life with you… I don’t want to not see my kids every morning… Why are you trying to ruin my life?”
See how cleverly he made himself the victim?
Once you experience his tears, if you’re like most women who hang out with a narcissistic man like this, you start to feel sorry for him. He knows you’ll do it and he’s counting on it.
Now, you’ve effectively become the culprit.
You made him cry. He may be crying without real tears, but he will quizzically point out that he has not always been able to cry real tears. And if you don’t give up the first time, after several rounds of anger, accusations, tears and self-pity, you will give up.
Related: Narcissistic Abuse Is Easily Mistaken For Love (But Here’s How To Tell The Difference)
Of course you don’t want him to waste time with you. Of course she doesn’t want him to be separated from his children. Of course you should be more confident.
Because he’s a real trustworthy man…or is he?
When you suspect a man is using DARVO tactics, look closely to determine if these are crocodile tears shed by a man with narcissistic traits.
Here are 5 ways to spot a narcissist who is using the DARVO defense to turn themselves into the victim.
- He lies
You may not have seen the “big” lie, but there may have been a small one. You find yourself explaining to your confused friends: “He lies when there is no reason to lie.” You may have seen him lying to others or exaggerating the truth to make himself seem better.
He may also lie to make you or his children look better. This is because you are a reflection of him and the better you look, the better he will look. Does greatness ring a bell?
- He is arrogant
How he looks, literally and figuratively, can be a big problem for a man with a heavy dose of narcissism. With a nagging sense of entitlement, he may spend more money on his hair and clothes than you do. He will come up with a seemingly logical reason as to why this happened.
His children are also reflections of him, so he may be overly concerned about how well they are doing on any measure that could be used to compare them to others. He might pretend with friends and co-workers that you’re already in an equal partnership, or even that you’re the one who wears the pants in the family. But it doesn’t feel that way to you.
Related: If Your Partner Has These 8 Personality Traits, You May Have A Toxic Relationship
- He asks you to do things his way
Even though he asks for your opinion, it seems like he has to do things his way. From when the kids go to bed to where you go out to dinner, he can become angry when you express what you want. You end up backing down, telling yourself it’s not that important.
I was amazed at the ease with which he got people to do things for him. He always gets the promotion when he flies, the lender when the car is serviced, and the lowest possible price in negotiations. This is because people can feel that fighting it is more difficult than giving up. Just like you do.
- He manipulates your feelings
Even though you enjoy it when he buys you gifts, it seems like you can never be grateful enough or give him enough praise to please him. You start to feel like you’re ungrateful. Do you see the reflection there?
You start to wonder if there is something wrong with you. Are you not in love enough? He has always pegged you as the special and perfect woman for him (because he is so special). Maybe you’re not so special?
Instead of feeling bad about yourself, maybe you can see through his arrogance and complete lack of empathy for your feelings.
- He turns things around on you
Does he turn things around for you? DARVO’s defense is full of “what about beliefs.”
