In this day and age, the term narcissism has become quite common. You may also have had to deal with a narcissist in your family and know that the term generally describes someone who is overly preoccupied with personal adequacy and mentally unable to see the devastating damage they are causing.
Some suggest that narcissistic personality disorder may be related to defenses against shame. Dominant traits of narcissism include a sense of grandiosity or self-importance and a lack of empathy.
Narcissists are perhaps most insidious when they are unrecognizable. At first, they may view people close to them as positive, but they may quickly turn against them if adverse circumstances arise.
Related: How A Narcissist Thinks (Warning: It’s Pretty Messed Up)
Much advice focuses on ending relationships with narcissists, but the reality for divorced couples with minor children is very different. The narcissist may act in ways that punish the ex-spouse and, by obvious association, the children.
Unfortunately, the legal and treatment systems are not well designed to support adults or children when this happens.
Court systems are designed for only the most obvious crimes, and social and economic circumstances often protect narcissists from the glaring eyes of society if they can provide good financial care for the children — even if they don’t pay their agreed-upon share of basic expenses.
Even simple changes in scheduling can cause the narcissist to continue down a path of high stress and toxicity that clearly affects children.
Since conflict between parents is the biggest indicator of children having problems when parents divorce, it is essential that people have the tools to manage this relationship.
So, what are the real and practical solutions for dealing with (and co-parenting) a narcissist after divorce? Although the answer is complex for each situation, a non-narcissistic parent can do these five things:
- Create clear boundaries
Communicate via email and avoid in-person or even text communications when possible, as an inflammatory and impulsive response is more likely from a narcissist. It is important to have a clear written record of what is expected and how things will go.
Do not hesitate in your resolve because they will take advantage of any perceived weakness. You must be prepared to negotiate, but know in advance the limits of compromise, because the narcissist will use almost any means to convince you that he should always have what he wants.
- Keep conflict away from your children
Don’t talk about the narcissist with your children. They are your children’s other parent and criticizing the narcissist hurts your children more than the narcissist.
If children have difficulty with this parent, be sure to give them the tools to manage the difficulty without criticizing the narcissist as a person. When children are old enough, it may be necessary to point out that they will likely need tools to deal with difficult people in their lives.
Related: 7 Things Only Narcissists Will Do (Because They’re The Worst)
- Seek help for yourself and your children as needed
It is likely that many people who co-parent with a narcissist experience many of the same symptoms as individuals with post-traumatic stress syndrome. Don’t take this seriously. Find a therapist who is well trained in how to support you and your children.
There are also support groups to help you navigate as well, and a divorce coach is another important resource that may help you navigate difficult organizational and emotional waters.
- Document, document, document
Having a written record will help you remember that you are dealing rationally and objectively in a very difficult circumstance. Keep a simple diary or calendar of what is happening so you can remind the narcissist, if necessary, of objective reality.
Keeping the majority of your communications via simple, clear email will also create a good history as well. The narcissist may not be influenced by logic, but if extreme behavior occurs, the court may need this documentation to act.
- Seek legal assistance as needed
Don’t allow the narcissist to convince you not to get good legal help. If your divorce counselor fires you or rejects the position, find another attorney.
If the children are already aware of the dispute, make sure they have good support too and make sure your legal advisor understands that you want to end the dispute as soon as possible to minimize any potential harm to the children.
Ask for a timeline and make sure it is reasonable for the attorney and the courts to follow you if necessary. This is certainly not an easy path, but it is a path that must be followed sometimes. You will likely still have to be the driving force in reducing conflict between your children.
There is no magic bullet for co-parenting with a narcissist. You might even be their target, if another opponent appears.
In the meantime, remind your children that this is not their fight, and that you will do everything you can to protect them. Reinforce your resolve and make sure your support is in place. Being a parent with a narcissist may not be easy, but with the right tools, you can take good care of your children and yourself during this difficult time.
And remember, the challenges we face can make us infinitely stronger for the future. Be proud of the way you act with your children and know that this is the best you can do when they grow up. They will be infinitely grateful for that.
Related: 7 Devastating Ways Narcissists Retaliate Through Their Own Children
