Relationships are complex and oftentimes there are some deal-breaking patterns that make us question our relationships. These patterns are red flags for relationships. Most of us ignore these fluttering red flags in the hope that things will go well, but going further down the road can be very risky. In fact, there are some red flags that you should never ignore for the sake of your own sanity.
Do you want a healthy relationship? Is the idea of building a life something you actively seek out? Have you been burned in the past and not sure why? Do you want to do things differently this time? If that’s the case, then you should definitely make sure you don’t ignore these red flags.
Red flags are those little things you see when you’re in a new relationship, things that make you pause and say, “Hmmm.” The things that make you wonder if this person is the one for you. Creepy stuff because you want this relationship to work.
Unfortunately, because we want this relationship to work, we often ignore the red flags. We ignore the warning signs that present themselves to us that this might not be the right person for us. Hopefully the red flags aren’t too much of a problem, that this person can change, and that we can live with it because other things are fine.
If you want a healthy relationship, ignoring the red flags is the best way to ensure you don’t get them. Ignoring red flags will keep you in an unhealthy relationship and prevent you from finding the love you want.
Here are 5 warning signs you should never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.
- They don’t get along with their families.
If you want a healthy relationship, the big red flag is someone who doesn’t get along with their family.
Of course, many of us struggle with our families. Just because they’re a family, doesn’t mean everyone can get along and that’s okay. But if your person is estranged from their family, if they have a toxic relationship with their parents, if their children don’t talk to them, that person may not be able to have a healthy relationship.
I know that many of us believe that if we love someone enough, we can help them heal from the pain their family causes them so they can be happy. And yes, it is possible to help someone feel loved but they are more likely to be deeply damaged and may have difficulty connecting emotionally.
Related: 7 Ways To Cope With People Who Want To Bring You Down
- They cheat.
I have a client whose new friend was a regular cheater. He cheated on everyone he dated and had sex with many lovers in the bed he shared with his wife. My client met him shortly after his divorce and fell madly in love with him.
She thought he had changed. That he loved her so much that he would never cheat on her again. And then, he did. Repeatedly.
If your guy is a regular cheater, he’s more likely to continue to be. Even if they are madly in love with you and you have a lot of sex, the person who is cheating does so for a variety of reasons, and reasons that just won’t go away without some help.
If the person cheated on their ex, be careful. If he’s a regular cheater, run away as fast as you can.
- They can’t hold a job.
When I met my ex, I remember stalking him on LinkedIn. There I learned that he had been working 4 different jobs in 5 years. I remember thinking that sounded like a problem but choosing to ignore it. I was a life coach. If he was struggling with job security, I would be able to help him, after all.
Of course, job security has become a huge issue. Losing so many jobs made him feel incredibly insecure. He had a lot of debt trying to keep up with the lifestyle he wanted to provide for his family. He had no confidence that he could do this job or any job.
I tried to work with him to address the systemic issues I could see about his work, but to no avail. And I began to worry that being attached to this man might challenge me financially.
So, if your person has a problem holding a job, beware. Of course, times are tough right now with Covid and the economy but if this has been going on for a while, it’s definitely a red flag!
Related: How Narcissists Fool You With False Empathy
- They drink too much.
Of course, many of us drink, especially when we’re in an early relationship. There’s nothing more fun than sharing a few adult drinks as we have those long conversations about our hopes and dreams. However, if your guy is regularly having more than a few drinks in the evening, that’s definitely a red flag.
People with problem drinking are people to stay away from if you want to be in a healthy relationship. People who drink a lot can be physically unhealthy, financially unsound, and struggle with relationships and job security. They can be impulsive and prone to outbursts of intense emotion. They can be abusive when angry and conflict with their behaviour.
Furthermore, heavy drinkers experience emotional attachment, which is key to a healthy relationship.
My ex was an alcoholic, and while he was good at being physically affectionate, feeling emotionally attached to him was hard. He had started drinking when he was 15 as a way to deal with his relationship with his mother (red flag #1) he never had a chance to develop emotionally and was therefore not available for a real connection. He’s gone from woman to woman, cheating on every one of them (red flag #2).
I tried and tried to have a healthy relationship with him but I just couldn’t do it on my own. He wouldn’t stop drinking and I was unhappy. I ignored this red flag early in our relationship and wished I hadn’t.
- It interferes with their attention.
Do you have someone come and go? Someone who writes for hours at a time and then disappears for days?
Does she declare her love and then hang out with other men? Does he tell you he needs “time” and walk away, only to return days, weeks, or months later, declaring his love? Then he leaves again.
People who care about people align with their interests. Why? Because they want to be. They want to show their person that they care about them, they want to spend time with them, and they want them to feel safe and to know that they will never give up on them. They want to make sure their person knows they love them.
So, if your guy comes and goes, whether it’s electronic or in person, that’s a huge red flag that you shouldn’t ignore if you want a healthy relationship. Don’t think that if you love them enough, if you stay with them long enough, they will suddenly realize that they are madly in love with you and stay put. They won’t.
I know you really want things to work out because you kiss a lot of frogs and you just want one of them to stick together. But don’t!
If you waste another minute on someone who has bright red flags, you are wasting the time you might have spent finding someone who has no red flags, someone who can make you happy and give you the healthy relationship you want!
So go away, you can do it!
