Here’s Why A Narcissist Preys On His Or Her Partner’s Happiness…
Why do many partners with NPD ignore or sabotage their mate’s successes?
A version of the question is often asked, “Why can’t my mate be happy for me when I’m successful, or when something makes me happy?” It seems like every time I feel good and tries to tell my mate that, instead of joining me and saying something complimentary, My partner says or does something that dumps me.”
This type of insensitivity is common in relationships where one partner is very self-absorbed, competitive, or envious. It could also be a red flag of something more serious. People who routinely dump their partner’s happiness often qualify for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. When this is the case, it can be an early sign of more active abuse later in the relationship.
Note: I am using the terms narcissist and narcissist as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
Here is a typical example:
Barry: I’m so happy. I just found out that I passed the licensing exam with flying colors. I am happy. I got the highest score!
Jill: Did you bring the car in for service like you said you would?
Barry: Wait! Don’t I even get a “Congratulations, I’m happy for you”?
Jill: We all knew you were going to make it. What is the big deal? I need the car tomorrow. You promised you would take care of him.
So, why would a narcissist dump your happiness? This is usually due to a combination of the following reasons:
- Narcissists lack emotional empathy.
A lack of emotional empathy means that seeing another person—even someone they claim to love—excited and happy doesn’t make them feel good on the inside. The narcissistic partner could care less, making him or her indifferent to their words.
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In the example above, Jill has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and is unable to share her partner’s joy. It didn’t even occur to her that supporting her mate’s good feelings would be the appropriate response.
- Narcissists suffer from “one mind.”
This means that people with NPD can only see things from their point of view. Not only that, they see all other points of view as wrong. They always want their partner to be on the same page as them: theirs. Whatever they are focusing on at the moment is on their mind far more important than anything you care about. In this sense, the narcissist empties your happiness.
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From Jill’s view of narcissism, nothing is more important than her priority of getting their car serviced right away. Since he is the most important thing to her, she literally cannot fathom how something else could be a priority for Barry. The only conclusion she can come to is that Barry is wrong.
- Narcissists are competitive.
Narcissists always compare themselves to others. Their shaky self-esteem can make it painful to see others succeed. They may brag about their partner’s success to others as a form of narcissistic supply. However, complimenting their partner head-on can make them feel as if they are acknowledging that their partner is better than they are in some way.
Jill has a hard time supporting anything that might make Barry think he’s better than her. She can’t comprehend that Barry is not her competition. But that won’t stop her from bragging to her friends about how smart Barry is and that he passed one of the highest scores. When Jill tells the story, she will claim that Barry has the highest score out of everyone.
- Narcissists suffer from envy.
It can be difficult for people with NPD to praise their partner’s successes because they wish they were being praised. Narcissistic partners are likely to feel envious when someone else does something special. This is why your narcissistic partner deflates your happiness.
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Jill is very conflicted about every success Barry has had in life. On the one hand, she enjoys the financial fruits of his successes, and on the other hand, she wishes it was her success and not Barry’s. Pari’s joy arouses her envy.
And she thinks: “Why should he be happier than me?”
- Narcissists are hierarchical.
You may think that the narcissistic partner has a tall invisible ladder in their mind. This ladder only has room for one person at a time on each rung.
It is a placement on those traits that the narcissist deems very, very important.
There are only two places other people can be on this ladder opposite the narcissist: above or below them.
Narcissists favor those above them and underestimate those below them. If someone on their way to status tries to be on the same level as the narcissist, there will be a dominance battle initiated by the narcissist until one of them is the clear winner. The winner gets the grade and the loser goes down the grade.
Every time Barry succeeds, he climbs up the status ladder in Jill’s mind. He and she are still very close in stature. This automatically stimulates Jill’s fear of being passed over, which then leads her to ignore or unconsciously devalue Barry’s accomplishments.
Punchline:
When a narcissist’s partner takes a win or even finds something besides the narcissist very flattering, that is a potential threat to the narcissist. It can provoke envy, fear of being surpassed, a possible loss of a partner’s dominant position, or simply being seen as unimportant.
