When people get out of relationships with narcissists, they are sometimes hard on themselves about how they allowed themselves to be involved in the relationships or why they stayed for so long. Additionally, others outside the relationship who have never dealt with a narcissist may believe that there is something about the ex-partner that attracts the narcissist.
It turns out they were right. However, it may not be quite what they expect.
Narcissists have a strong need for admiration and adoration. They also have fragile egos, and when people around them have different opinions, they often view this as criticism and seek to punish those who dare to disagree. In addition, they value appearances and take pride in success, even riding on the successes of others. Their self-perceived superiority makes them feel like they have the right to associate with anyone and anything making them seem like the most important person in the room because they feel like they should get the best of everything.
As a result, there are certain personality traits that attract narcissists and abusers.
Many of these qualities are probably the same qualities that partners’ friends and family members value. But narcissists, unfortunately, know how to exploit these traits to their advantage.
RELATED: What It Means When A Narcissist Says ‘I Love You’
- Caretakers.
Narcissists look for people known as “donors.” If the relationship isn’t exactly 50/50, the narcissist is betting that partners with a natural tendency to care for others won’t complain, because they naturally enjoy sacrificing themselves. However, narcissists do not view this behavior as a special gift to be cherished and thanked. They feel entitled to it because of how “exceptional” they are. In fact, as far as they are concerned, it is a 50/50 relationship because their partner is lucky to be in a relationship with them. What is there to be grateful for?
- People who are empathetic and tolerant.
Narcissists lack emotional empathy, however, they seek out people who have a higher degree of emotional empathy, sometimes referred to as empaths. Narcissists often relay sad stories about how exes betrayed or abused them, or have other tales about things that happened to them in their past.
There is nothing wrong with sharing information about yourself when you are getting to know someone, however, narcissists do it strategically or even make up these things to get sympathy to let their guards down early. Then when the narcissist blames his or her bad behavior on things that happened in the past—such as unfaithful ex-partners, a terrible childhood, and lost jobs—partners are more likely to excuse the behavior and give them another chance.
Related: 7 Devastating Ways Narcissists Retaliate Through Their Own Children
- People who have too many things going for them.
Narcissists are big on status. They want to look good in front of others at all times. Therefore, the people who bring them into their social circles to represent them must make them look good in some way. Somatic narcissists are obsessed with their bodies, their youth, and their physical appearance, and they spend a lot of time in the gym and in front of mirrors. They tend to focus on their partner’s physical appearance and how they will be perceived as a “hot couple.”
Cerebral narcissists are know-it-alls who believe they are the smartest in the room, and try to impress people with their accomplishments and positions of power. They will be interested in their partner’s social and educational status. Neither of them wants to be outdone by their partner, but they do want someone who enhances their status, because to them their partners are things they can show off as if to say, “Look what I just got from my collection.”
- Easy people.
Narcissists have a strong need to “win” and be right. They expect and feel entitled to “obedience” from the people around them, including their own strict desires and opinions. They may use coercion, flattery, or any number of tactics to get their way, but narcissists’ partners are more concerned with harmony than making sure their opinions are heard or their will is carried out. They will drop a topic or go with the flow and can be natural peacemakers for any group. For narcissists, they present the perfect opportunity to take over the world, as they rarely challenge their worldview. When the gaslighting begins, asking questions goes against your partner’s nature.
- People with good hearts and always look for the best in others.
Narcissists need to target people who believe others are basically good. This makes it very difficult for partners to leave when the narcissist says they can change because the partner projects their kindness onto the narcissist. Accepting what has already happened in the relationship essentially means that the victim will have to reject their worldview and replace it with a new one in which not everyone has the same heart as they do. It can be painful and difficult to realize that some people intentionally harm and exploit others.
It is this unique combination of positive traits that attracts narcissists, and people coming out of these relationships must learn how to protect these traits, not change them. Although narcissists also exploit individual vulnerabilities that partners may also suffer from, survivors of narcissistic abuse must stop believing that they are defective because the narcissist chose them. After all, narcissists only want the best.
