Many health experts won’t tell you that couples can prevent seasonal colds and flu by reducing negative behaviors in their marriage.
During the winter months when a runny nose, cough, and fever are very common, we like to be reminded to wash our hands, avoid contact with sick people, and get a flu shot. Another preventive measure you can take is to increase your positive behaviors towards your spouse.
Researchers at the University of Birmingham in the UK, who studied the response of couples to antibodies to the influenza vaccine, found that people in sick marriages had stronger immunity against influenza viruses. Researcher Greta Hesse at the University of Tirana in Albania reviewed 40 studies on the effects of marriage on health. It found that higher levels of negativity that contribute to marital dissatisfaction also directly affect a couple’s physical health.
Hysi’s research also included a review of Dr. Gottman’s Love Lab studies, which found higher white blood cell counts in happily married couples. This result is similar to that of Dr. Janice Kicault-Glaser and Ronald Glaser of Ohio State University, who found that natural killer cells are more effective in fighting disease in happy couples.
Finally, researchers Lois Verbrugge and James House from the University of Michigan found that an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by 35% and even shorten your life by 4 to 8 years!
According to Dr. Gottman, “Working briefly on your marriage each day will do more good for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
When negative behaviors are allowed to wane in a marriage, they endanger the emotional and physical health of both spouses.
Dr. Gottman calls the four most dangerous relationship behaviors the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” The term is from the book of Revelation in the New Testament of the Bible where a prophecy reveals the horsemen as signs leading to the end of the world.
- Criticism
It happens daily. Dave and Lisa fall into a cycle of criticism that targets a person’s character rather than their behavior. It is often packaged in the phrases “You always do” or “You never do.”
Lisa bought Dave a new watch for his birthday. I thought he would love it. he did not do.
He said, “I don’t need an hour.” “I use my phone to check the time.”
“You need to check your phone a lot. You’re always late for everything. I thought a watch would help.”
“I don’t like watches. I haven’t worn a watch in years. Where have you been? I always have to explain things to you.”
Dave and Lisa will welcome occasional criticism or complaint from each other rather than constant criticism. This pattern of fault-finding causes the victim to feel hurt, rejected, or attacked. They used to call each other faults. In some relationships, only one partner engages in criticism. Whether it’s one or both, this negative focus on each other’s flaws and failures sets the stage for darker knights.
- Contempt
Jordin is mean. When you talk to Raphael, it is often with disrespect and sarcasm.
“You want me to make you dinner? You’re too lazy. You expect me to feed you and clean up after you. Go home and turn on the TV and don’t even acknowledge me. You can pick up after yourself.”
Contempt can also be expressed with body language such as eye movement.
Contempt is cultivated through lingering negative thoughts about a partner. A frequent criticism is an evidence that contempt may soon rear its ugly head. The despised spouse feels superior to his partner and expresses it openly in words and actions that make the spouse feel despised and worthless.
- Defensive
Austin and Chris blame each other for most of their problems.
Austin: “We had a late notice on our phone bill. You forgot to pay it back.”
Chris: “I didn’t get the statement. You didn’t put it in with the billing.”
Austin: “You know we get a monthly phone bill. If you haven’t seen it, you need to look for it. I put it on the desk!”
Chris: “Paying the bills isn’t the only thing I have to do here, you know. Is it necessary to ask for a little help?”
When a marriage implodes, almost every conversation is peppered with defensive comments. The accused does not want to take responsibility for the problems. The advocate feels unfairly accused and uses defense to persuade the accused to recant. Defensiveness tells the accuser that you don’t take them seriously and blame them again. This cycle of blaming each other undermines any remaining trust in the relationship.
- Procrastinate
Anna and Marco’s marriage is cold.
Anna feels cold. Marco asks why he has become so distant. She asks him to tell her what is in his heart.
Marco laughs. He gets out of the room. He eats himself. He waits until Anna is asleep before he comes to bed.
Procrastination occurs when one or both partners withdraw from the conversation. When problems arise, commentators move away from each other rather than toward them. They leave the room or act busy doing something else.
Banish the Four Horsemen
There is help and hope for the marriages conquered by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Marriages infected with negative behaviors of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or procrastination can be restored to health.
Even the most successful relationships have struggled. Dr. Gottman’s research has shown that it is not the appearance of conflict, but how it is managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship
Antidote to criticism
The antidote to criticism is complaining without blaming. Talk about your feelings using “I” statements and then express a positive need. How do you feel and what do you need?
If you are unhappy about something in your relationship, by all means, express it.
What not to say: “You said you’d clean up, but there are still crumbs on the table. You never do what you say you’ll do.”
What to say instead: “There are still crumbs on the table. I need help cleaning up.”
Defensive antidote
The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if it is only for part of the conflict.
What not to say: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late, it’s your fault.”
What to say instead: “Well, you’re right. Part of this is my problem — I need to do a better job at managing my time.”
The antidote to contempt
The antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and respect. Focus on building your friendship by focusing on the first three principles in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
What not to say: “You’re an idiot.”
What to say instead: “I’m proud of the way you handled this teachers’ conference.”
The antidote to procrastination
Procrastination occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction. If you keep moving forward, you will find yourself blowing up at your partner or blowing up on the inside (procrastinating), neither of which will get you anywhere.
Therefore, the only sensible strategy is to tell your partner that you are feeling overwhelmed and need to take a break. This break should last at least twenty minutes, as it will be a long time before your body physiologically calms down.
