Are you dating or have you been dating a narcissist?
First: I’m sorry.
What a terrible experience.
I’ve been there and I know exactly how toxic, tiring, and full of frustration this type of relationship is.
My last relationship before my current one was a toxic nightmare fueled by narcissism.
Every day is like lifting a huge weight a hill. Then your partner criticizes you for not lifting the weight faster or better or while smiling more.
disgusting. disgusting. disgusting.
But whether you are still in that relationship or have broken up, I would like to give you these tips to completely break up with a narcissist and move on with your life.
1) Face the facts
You can’t address the problem if you don’t acknowledge it.
You have to face the facts first:
You are emotionally attached to someone who is sick, exploitative, and bad for you.
Narcissists are not just “annoying” or difficult to live with.
They are emotionally destructive to everyone around them and are not equipped for a mature relationship.
We all have challenges in love and finding the right person!
The narcissist is different:
He or she has a worldview so distorted that it is impossible to reason with them.
Related : How to break up with a narcissist: 10 key steps
I’m sure you’ve tried and failed many times. I was there like you said…
So, first, you have to face the facts about narcissism. This generally comes from deep insecurity and a need to experience constant attention and validation.
This need is endless and it is up to the narcissist to recognize and address their issues, not you.
I realize that you are worried about someone who is truly unfaithful to you and not suitable to date or be with you right now.
Reading about narcissism and what it is can also be a great idea here.
As relationship expert Nicole Smith writes:
“They take advantage of others or take advantage of them for personal gain. They need constant feeding of their ego and thus crave excessive admiration.
2) Fly the coop
If you want to follow the easy steps to emotionally break up with a narcissist, you first need to get the hard stuff out of the way.
You need to physically leave the narcissist and be in a different place away from him.
This will be much harder if you have children together, or share finances, a home, or other tangible connections (which I’ll get into later in the article).
The main thing is that you cannot stay physically close to a narcissist if you want to separate from them emotionally.
You need to create physical distance from them and start building a new and different life somewhere else outside of their clutches.
You also need to limit the amount of contact you have, as the narcissist will often use social media and networking to stay in touch and slowly bring you back into your life…
They often work on you slowly and then pounce on you when you are in a moment of loneliness or sadness, for example.
Cut those ties physically and then cut the digital and communications side as well. It will not at all help you stay in touch more than is necessary.
3) Find support
Now dealing with a narcissist is no fun at all. You will need support.
What makes this so important is that those of us who fall in love with a narcissist often have some sort of inner doubt or desire to feel needed and wanted.
Maybe we didn’t receive enough love as children or feel that this narcissist is charming and attractive.
We fall in love with the narcissist who seems to want our praise, admiration, and appreciation.
Narcissists often initially appear to be charismatic and charming, with a lot of infectious energy.
But they don’t care about you or the love and attention you give them:
You are just an alternative source of attention, affection, and resources for them. You are not special.
They just want to be showered with this luxurious love and attention. They don’t care about you.
Realizing this is a huge disappointment.
You will need friends, family, and resources including therapy and additional spiritual help to overcome the torture the narcissist will subject you to.
4) Free your mind
The additional spiritual help I mentioned in the last step is very important here.
When we start looking for answers to life’s deeper questions, there are a lot of people offering their opinions out there.
Motivational lessons, books, seminars, retreats, you name it…
Some of them are good, don’t get me wrong.
But there are also some really disturbing trends that I’ve encountered in the New Age and spiritual movement.
I call it “toxic spirituality” and it’s basically where gurus blame your problems on your bad feelings.
It’s BS.
The truth is that many of these same teachers are narcissists and trap you in a cycle where you feel the need for their praise or approval to be perfect or valid.
You don’t need it!
You need to run away from those who try to break you down and tell you that you are broken or “low vibration.”
Instead, I encourage everyone to watch this amazing free video from Shaman Rhoda Yande.
Rhoda himself got caught up in the New Age “Law of Attraction” type of movement and ended up burned out and disillusioned.
But he found a new way to rediscover your authenticity and personal power that doesn’t depend on vibrations or “positive thinking.”
If you’re dealing with a breakup and leaving a narcissist behind, these are spiritual truths you need to hear for yourself.
Check out the free video here.
5) Flip the text
Flipping the script is crucial when dealing with and relating to a narcissistic, self-obsessed person.
You have to delve into the roots of what connects you to this person and the desire and pain you feel for them.
What is the essence of it?
Recognizing all aspects of the physical, emotional, vital, and self-creation.
Related : 7 early signs of a narcissistic partner (and what to do about it)
Do you have an ideal version of this person? Do you feel like you can save them or be their hero?
What traps you in the course?
Identify these traps and then flip the script.
Imagine that you were behaving as a narcissist would. Will he stay with you, love you, and remain loyal to you?
This will reveal to you just how imbalanced the relationship and love are, and can often be the harsh cold water shock you need to wake up from the euphoria of being associated with a narcissist.
6) Take your side
When you are emotionally attached to a narcissist, you become accustomed to listening to them, standing by them, and being there for them as much as possible.
You can fall behind in the process, which is part of what’s so sad about falling in love with a narcissist.
You end up selling yourself short and engaging in a process of self-abandonment.
This can be linked to toxic and painful patterns of unworthiness that really hurt you and create a downward spiral for your future relationships as well.
Falling into a narcissist’s trap can create negative momentum and make it easy for it to happen again and again.
This is not good.
That’s why you have to take sides and think about your interests.
The narcissist tries to make you feel like your life and worth depend on how much you care and care for them.
But what about you?
Take your side.
Make a list of your most important needs and priorities away from this person. Then follow them.
7) Treat your relationships with caution and attention
Like I said, sometimes you may have shared property with a narcissist or you may have children together.
This makes separation more difficult, and you should be careful and careful when it comes to children.
Separation and divorce are very painful and can cause a lot of psychological damage to young people and teens.
But in the end, I admit that I truly respect those who made the difficult decision to break up when their relationship was toxic and unhealthy.
In the end, this is often what’s best for any children involved as well.
Just make sure to try to avoid loud fights and angry scenes in front of the children, and to part ways as little as possible.
8) Control your inner critic
If you are romantically involved with a narcissist, you likely have an inner critic who is like your worst enemy and is always buzzing in your ear.
I know this because I was there.
Your inner critic is likely similar to the narcissist in many ways:
It tells you that you are a bad person and that you need to be more understanding, more patient, and more loving with the narcissist.
It tells you that you will regret leaving them or moving on and that you will never meet anyone better.
This inner critic cannot be forced to silence.
But you can make a conscious and consistent effort to tune out this inner critic.
It’s just your inner doubts and insecurities surfacing and trying to plunge you back into old and unnecessary patterns of compliance and submission to the narcissist.
Listen to your inner critic. Then ignore it. You have the right to live your life and not be toxically attached to the narcissist.
9) Take care of your body and mind
Taking your side and writing down your top priorities will include taking care of your mind and body.
This means putting those priorities first, ensuring you stay as healthy and sane as possible.
Dealing with an attachment to a narcissist can damage your physical and mental health, which is why rebuilding these two aspects is an essential part of moving forward.
You cannot truly achieve your self-worth and independence from the narcissist until you discover your power and put it into action.
This begins with a relaxed body and a mind that finds a measure of calm and safety amid the storm.
So let’s go there.
mind:
Watch, read, and listen to content that boosts your mood, sense of self-worth, and enthusiasm for life.
Meditate, enjoy nature, and spend time with people who bring out the best in you.
Avoid overusing your smartphone and devices while “switching off” from the fast pace of digital life.
Consider decisions and steps before acting, so you don’t decide things out of impulse or emotional shock.
body:
Eat healthy and choose to eat in quantities and food groups that make you feel healthy.
Exercise regularly for at least a short period each day.
Get enough sleep and have a comfortable, clean place to sleep.
Breathe deeply, get out in the fresh air, and stay away from technology addiction.
All of this will help you start to break away from the narcissist’s traps!
10) Control your destiny
Taking care of yourself and flipping the script is about taking control of your destiny.
A narcissist will make you feel that caring about yourself is a betrayal or a letdown.
The problem is, she wrote, that no matter how sincere your love and affection is for the narcissist, he or she will never be satisfied.
You are just a resource for the narcissist because of their self-fixation and inner emptiness.
That’s why they should face their problems and deal with them on their own, instead of dragging you into the nightmare of dependence on others.
For your part, it is better to control your destiny.
Taking care of yourself is the beginning.
Progress towards finding and pursuing your purpose…
Besides, do not allow anyone into your inner sanctuary who tries to distort and manipulate your feelings the way a narcissist does.
You deserve the best, and you will get it when you ask for the best and nothing less.
11) Write this down
When you break up or break up with a narcissist, a lot of drama comes up.
They will use guilt, shame, seduction, threats, jokes, and friendship to try to get you back to providing them with the attention and affection they crave.
To escape this cycle, you have to keep your feet firmly on solid ground.
Narcissists are the ultimate revisionist historians.
The past is what they say, and they’ll make you the ultimate bad guy if they want to twist you.
Write down key events or issues so that you have written documentation of what happened the next time they try to talk to you in a circle.
This is not much to show for the narcissist. It’s more about showing what happened so you don’t fall into the gaslighting nightmare again.
Write warnings to yourself so you know what tricks the narcissist is trying to pull when you turn away from him.
12) Eliminate any joint financial dependence
The finances and possessions you share with a narcissist can be very binding.
If you are somewhat financially dependent on the narcissist, you may end up trapping yourself emotionally or relationally.
You are confusing emotions with financial needs in this case, and that is a very dangerous place to be.
A narcissist who has financial control often uses his money to exert control and manipulate his partner(s).
This is not a position you want to be in.
If you’re in this situation you want to get out of it as soon (and completely) as possible.
Start by finding a job you can do or someone who can lend you money on an emergency basis until you are completely out of the narcissist’s grasp.
You do not want to be in a situation where you have moved on emotionally but still need payments or financial help from the narcissist.
This leaves them with too much power over your life and gives them too many avenues to come back when you are in a weak moment.
13) Pay attention to your mindset
As you go through the breakup process with a narcissist, I make it a point to stand by your side and tune in to your inner critic.
This is crucial!
Your mindset is a little more nuanced and should also be something you are aware of.
Think of your mindset as a picture frame.
You may have a strong understanding of what is happening and a desire to move away from the narcissist and move on.
But your mindset is the framework that surrounds it all. It’s your reality.
Make sure you believe in your worth and potential, and that you believe in standing up for yourself.
Make sure you enter situations with a strong understanding of your sense of self and your worth.
If not, the narcissist will likely eventually draw you into his or her twisted world, no matter how determined you are to escape it.
14) Welcome new connections but be careful
Breaking up with a narcissist may involve meeting someone new and moving on to a new relationship, or it may not.
There is no “right” answer here, except to pay attention to dynamics.
If you’re not emotionally ready for something new and jumping into it as an escape or quick fix, then you need to stay single for a while.
If you are moving into a healthy, mutual relationship with a mature person who will not exploit you like a narcissist, this may be an ideal side move.
Welcome the new connections and opportunities for romance or friendship that come into your life.
Just make sure they are not oases trying to make you drop the ball on your personal development and journey.
There is no substitute for self-work and developing your strong sense of self and purpose.
Breaking up with a narcissist is about identifying your values and not relying on them in a toxic way.
As such, it’s best to get into something new only when you feel ready and feel it will be productive and valuable.
15) Snatching victory from the jaws of defeat
Life is all about learning. But I think I speak for all of us when I say that we hope for the day when there is less learning and more living and loving!
To hasten the arrival of that blessed day, it is important to build yourself into the strong person you can be cut ties with those who exploit you, and take advantage of your more codependent instincts.
This is not healthy love, being emotionally attached to a narcissist. Nothing will bring you true satisfaction or meaning in your life.
You can’t be in a relationship or love someone who doesn’t value you.
Breaking free from the physical and emotional grip of a narcissist may take some time, but it is not as impossible or as terrible as the narcissist would have you believe.
Don’t give them that power. Don’t give up.
Live your own life and set your standards. You have no obligation to remain in this emotional connection.
Also remember that there is still more life to be lived in healthy, empowering relationships than swimming in the swampy waters of narcissism.
My love, goodbye, goodbye
The above easy steps to emotionally break up with a narcissist are not always a piece of cake.
