In order to know how to protect yourself from narcissists, here are 11 “don’ts” that you should know.
- Don’t take it too seriously.
Image is everything to narcissists. They work hard to present a façade of superiority and certainty. They like to keep others guessing and operate less transparently.
But it is important to remember that people with narcissism feel highly insecure. Its gaudy facade is designed to hide the emptiness inside. We can sympathize with a narcissist’s pain, but do not be fooled by their claims. All that glitters is not gold.
- Don’t over-share personal information.
The more personal information you give a narcissist, the more ammunition they have to use against you. Narcissists need to feel one up. They may use anything you share to humiliate or manipulate you, particularly when you are most vulnerable or in need.
Be judicious about what you tell them.
- Don’t feel the need to justify your thoughts, feelings, or actions.
Many narcissists try to make others doubt themselves. They may do this by asking specific or leading questions, and acting as if you need to explain yourself to them.
Recognize this for what it is, an attempt to undermine you. One useful self-help slogan is “No JADE,” which means “justify, argue, defend, or explain.”
You don’t need to explain or justify your feelings or thoughts. Furthermore, arguing with or defending yourself against a narcissist is generally counterproductive. Narcissists tend to care about winning, not listening; Competition, not communication.
- Don’t minimize their dysfunctional behavior.
Narcissists’ selfish behavior and hunger for attention can suck energy from those around them. Over time, people around narcissists may feel overwhelmed or numb and fail to register the severity of the narcissistic behavior.
Make no mistake, deceiving, manipulating, and humiliating others is unhealthy and wrong. Sometimes it may be best to let a narcissist’s childish or provocative behavior pass without comment, but that doesn’t mean you should fail to make a mental note of how unhealthy it is.
- Don’t expect them to take responsibility.
Narcissists take credit and blame, and rarely apologize or admit fault. Narcissists believe that they have special status, greater status, and more rights than others. They have no interest in equality or recognition for what they do, other than taking credit.
Striving to make narcissists take responsibility for their negative actions can be a waste of time. If you want to point out their role in an issue, that’s fine. But do it because you need to say so, not because you expect them to hear or validate your concerns.
- Don’t assume they share your values and worldview.
If you expect narcissists to empathize, tell the truth, or share the spotlight, you may be repeatedly disappointed.
People with narcissism view others as sources of gratification and not as equals. They use words more as tools or weapons than as truth. They have an endless hunger for attention.
It all comes from a shaky sense of self. Knowing this can free you from false expectations and allow you to set boundaries accordingly.
- Don’t try to beat them at their own game.
It’s tempting, but remember that most narcissists have spent their lives perfecting their drive for self-aggrandizement. Many narcissists do more manipulative actions in a week than most people do in a year.
Narcissists have a mortal fear of loss, feelings of inferiority, exposure or humiliation. As a result, they devote enormous energy to maintaining their image and developing ego-boosting resources, generally to the detriment of others.
Trying to one-up them in a war of words, get even, or adopt their techniques is like an amateur taking on a seasoned professional. It won’t feel good and it rarely works. Instead, play your game and stay true to your values.
- Don’t take their actions personally.
Narcissists take advantage of anyone they can. They may treat the people closest to them particularly negatively, but few are immune to a narcissist’s manipulations and contempt.
If you take what they do personally, you give them extra space in your mind and psyche – which is exactly what narcissists want. Abuse by narcissists is painful and wrong, but narcissists target anyone who crosses their path. It’s not personal. That’s just what they do.
- Don’t expect sympathy or fairness.
Narcissists are generally incapable of empathy. Empathy is based on the assumption that others are worthy, equal, and deserving of attention and compassion. Does this sound like something the narcissistic person you know would believe?
Their sense of entitlement does not make them feel there is a good reason to play fair or reciprocate. Their grandiosity leads them to see others as inferior and unworthy of sympathy. Instead of expecting equality or reciprocity from the narcissist, focus on respecting yourself.
- Don’t expect them to change.
People with narcissistic personality disorder or the powerful narcissistic pattern rarely change. They may change some behaviors over time, but the basic dynamics that drive them are generally present for life.
Narcissists view others as either threats or potential victims, and are trapped in an endless pursuit of attention and approval. The hope that they will change is the setting. Instead, accept who they are and focus on how you can take care of yourself around them.
- Never underestimate the power of narcissism.
Narcissism is a profound distortion of an individual’s sense of self. The life of a narcissist is endlessly centered around gaining “narcissistic supply”: attention, success, wealth, power, control, sexual conquest, and more.
They seek to feed and nothing is more important. This drive is so strong that narcissists will betray those close to them when it suits them. This is what you are up against.
We can empathize with the deep wounds and limitations experienced by people with narcissism. But compassion does not mean allowing others to hurt or exploit you. It is your responsibility and your right to focus on the best way to care for yourself. This is not narcissism. This is healthy living.
