Someone commented on one of my videos a while ago, saying that she learned about covert narcissism by Googling the term manic behavior. This seemed like a perfect description of what it’s like to be with a covert narcissist.
This comment also made me incredibly grateful that there are so many resources available on the subject today that someone could google crazy behavior and find out they’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist.
I hope you are ready to hear eleven crazy behaviors that are incredibly common with covert narcissists because that is exactly what we are going to cover.
evacuation:
You will find many of these strange behaviors in other types of narcissists and emotionally abusive people. However, there are some here that are specific to covert narcissists. There is something for everyone here. And if you’re with a covert narcissist, you’ll likely be able to relate to all of these strange behaviors.
Related: Being Manipulated by Your Adult Child? Here’s What You Can Do
11 crazy behaviors of a secret narcissist
- Word authority.
The first covert narcissist crazy behavior on this list is the word power.
I know you know how infuriating this is.
Narcissistic word authority is one of the most bizarre behaviors because it makes you feel stupid as if you can’t even carry on a conversation. But the truth is, this is no ordinary conversation. far from it!
When you are having a conversation, discussion, argument or disagreement with a covert narcissist or any other type of narcissist (most narcissists will use this technique) you will likely lose track of what you are talking about because the other person starts throwing nonsense.
They are talking about irrelevant things. Any sane person would realize this.
But the logic does not apply to narcissists. As a result, you’re left scratching your head, wondering what’s going on. Why is this conversation, which should be so simple, driving me crazy?
- Gas lighting.
I have a whole video dedicated to this. Gaslighting eventually leads to the realization that this person has a very selective understanding of reality.
No matter what they did or how they treated you, they would turn things around and make it seem as if you were who he was. You think maybe you’re the one being abused, or that they’re going to make you look or feel crazy for bringing this up.
You may even have hard evidence that this person lied to you. Or maybe they called you in front of a lot of people and said things you didn’t like.
So you have witnesses and strong evidence that this person did the things you claim they did, but they simply deny it. They are trying to make you doubt your own perception of reality.
Before you realized who you’re dealing with and what kind of personality you’re dealing with, you may have assumed that this person was otherwise logical. When someone you respect begins to question your sanity or makes you question your sanity, it can take a toll on you.
Gaslighting is very dangerous.
Related: The Narcissist and Psychopath as Human Parasites: Are You a Host?
- The circular argument.
This is related to the first two (word salad and gas lighting). And if you’re like me, you’ve been full of arguments with narcissists and you’d probably rather have a root canal. seriously.
These are the kinds of conversations they will have if you let them. These are discussions that will never reach an end point.
The narcissist will use a word of authority, as well as various disorientation and lighting techniques to keep the conversation going in circles. Honestly, they’ll use whatever they can get. They will go around in circles to avoid admitting they are wrong about something. It can be one of the silliest things.
They will go around in circles until you get tired of hearing it and just let it go.
- A different public figure.
Others believe that a narcissist is something that it is not. The outside world may think they are shy or insecure and would never hurt anyone, but behind closed doors they are tearing you apart verbally or emotionally. You understand that although the abuse may be subtle and covert, it affects your sense of self-worth and self-esteem throughout your relationship with this person.
If you try to explain it to anyone else, they look at you as if there is something wrong with you. They will never believe that this person would do anything to harm you.
- Your perception of the narcissist.
When you meet this person, they seem harmless. They seem completely safe.
Maybe you had a relationship with someone who was more outspoken narcissist, or maybe people in your family were very outspoken narcissists, and you meet that person and you think, well, it’s quite the opposite.
They are not offensive. This person will never hurt me on purpose.
The covert narcissist may seem self-deprecating at times. Even if they can talk about themselves however they want, mentioning something they did wrong is when you see their narcissism shine through, and you’ll also see it in how they treat you on a daily basis, like you’re not worthy, you’re not good enough.
Since their outer personalities are so different, you will see it come and go in this relationship. Because this outward personality is so different from the abuser you’ve come to know over time, it makes you question yourself and your ability to determine if someone is safe or not.
Related: Why We Stay In The Wrong Relationships? 4 Reasons According To Experts
- Fu apologies
I have a whole video dedicated to the fake apology. This bogus can drive you crazy because you believe it. You have faith in him but what they mean when they say “I’m sorry” is “I’m sorry I didn’t get what I wanted”.
They use an apology almost as a weapon against you, but you think they are sincere, then they move on and repeat the same behavior.
It’s usually abusive behavior, and you feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall every time you have to bring it up because you’ve talked about it so many times. They may have apologized for it a million times before.
But narcissists don’t like to apologize unless they’re going to get something (and sometimes they resist doing so). So maybe no express apology. They might have danced around it, appearing to apologize, but they didn’t.
Anyway, you would think they were sorry. You would think they realized their bad behavior and apologized for it. Yet, here they are doing the same thing over and over again.
- Actions and words never go together.
In the love bombing phase, they might tell you all sorts of things.
Their words will tell you, yes, but their actions will tell you no. Over time, you see that their actions don’t line up. In these abusive relationships, it gets really deep. They’ll all say “I love you,” but they won’t act like they love you.
Maybe they will end up cheating, lying to you, or hiding things from you. Their actions and words on every level are unbalanced.
When you get into these relationships, when the trauma bond starts to take hold, it becomes very difficult to apply your logic to what is happening. You start to believe their words more than their actions. When it really is, it should be the other way around.
- Avoidance.
So avoidance is another behavior of madness that often shows up in those circular arguments. You ask a very direct question, and the narcissist answers with something that almost sounds like an answer but isn’t an answer at all. Basically, they go to great lengths to avoid answering your question.
Example.
Where were you after work yesterday?
Answer: Where do you think I was after work yesterday?
Why do you ask where I was after work yesterday?
what do you think? Did you go to the bar?
Is it not possible that I have worked late?
And why do you suppose I went somewhere after work yesterday? Maybe you worked late.
This kind of avoidance can drive you crazy. Once you get used to her, you start to see her a lot in these conversations. When you ask a narcissist a question they want to avoid, you can quickly end up in a circular discussion because you realize they are not answering your question.
You kind of take the bait and keep pressing for an answer, but you don’t get an answer. You get to circle talk that ends up making you crazy.
- Shift responses.
This is a little more general, but narcissists love it.
You’re at work and you hear someone you think is a friend say something inappropriate about you behind your back, maybe you shared something you shared with them in confidence or something else that made you feel uncomfortable.
You get home and tell the narcissist in your life what happened. Then, all of a sudden, they brought the topic back to themselves.
They describe something that may have happened five years ago in great detail. It has nothing to do with your day or your feelings, but they simply redirect the conversation to them.
This kind of thing can drive you crazy because we expect a little help from the people in our lives. We expect that if something unfortunate happens, we will be able to discuss it with someone close to us. However, if this person is a narcissist, you won’t be able to talk for long before they redirect the conversation back to themselves.
- It makes you doubt your self-worth.
This is a common symptom of an emotionally abusive relationship.
What I’m talking about here is how we can embrace some of the characteristics of a narcissist.
I can tell you from personal experience that I’ve been there. I’ve been in that place where I get so upset that when I talk to other people, especially the people in this abuser’s life and his friends and family, I feel like I have something to prove. In these conversations, I was saying something that sounded very narcissistic. Then I hate myself for saying that.
Oh, that looked awful. Why did that come out?
How did that get out of my mouth?
We pick up these narcissistic traits in our relationships with narcissists. However, one of these reasons may be that this person has basically attacked your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. As a result, you feel like you are starting from scratch.
You come from a place of powerlessness, you feel like you have to prove something, build yourself up, and you may act narcissistic. This is a frequently asked question for me. And fortunately, in your adult life, a narcissist cannot bring you down to their level (unless you are actually a narcissist). And if you’re wondering if you’re a narcissist, I have a video that might help you work through these things.
- Cognitive dissonance
The last insane behavior of the covert narcissist on this list is the cognitive dissonance you experience in that relationship. Cognitive dissonance is something going on inside of you.
To understand cognitive dissonance in this context, let’s look at an example.
When someone engages in crazy behaviors, you know it’s driving you crazy. You know it, but you keep coming back to that person. You realize that this person is harmful to you on some level.
You realize that you feel worse about yourself in this relationship than you do outside of it. And you feel better about yourself when you have a little space from this person.
But then they come back… and you feel pushed to reconnect. You want to allow this harmful person back into your life.
It is this inner conflict that can make you go crazy. It can make you feel like you know the answers but you’re doing the exact opposite of what makes sense. It is as if you are a person whose actions and words do not coincide, and you can identify with it. You can say, “I know this is bad for me, I know this person does all these bad things, but I still want to be here.”
This is cognitive dissonance, which is completely normal in these relationships. If you are currently struggling with this or are considering getting back together with someone who is abusing you, I have a shock link video that may help you sort out some of this because, again, this is normal.
Related: How To Outsmart A Narcissist In Any Conversation: 7 Tips
It is not a reason to pass judgment on yourself. I think it’s helpful to acknowledge the trauma bond and what happens naturally after you’re in an abusive relationship.
