We typically choose our partners based on a list of qualities we want – our deal makers. Things like trustworthiness, sense of humor, intellect, stability and many more positive traits.
But just as important, these great qualities are deal breakers—the things we won’t tolerate in a partner.
This may vary from person to person, but researchers have now narrowed down some undesirable traits that are very common among a wide range of people.
What are the worst deals? Join me as I go over what the research says about this topic. Let’s dive in!
1) Indifference
A new study in Personality and Individual Differences focused on deal-breaking relationships and found that this trait tops the list, especially in long-term relationships.
It’s easy to see why. No one wants to be with a partner who doesn’t make them feel appreciated or understood.
The problem with a partner who doesn’t care much is that it will be difficult to convince him to address the issues you raise.
They won’t put in much effort to make you feel special – not in terms of affection, support or communication. They probably won’t be involved in your life.
So what does this all lead to? – Lack of emotional connection, which makes you feel lonely and isolated.
And if you feel that way, there’s no reason to stay with this person, right?
2) Clinging
Now, what if your partner is on the other end of the spectrum? What if they were overly clingy instead of apathetic? Instead of not caring, you have a lot of it?
Apparently, this is also one of the hottest deals.
In fact, in the context of long-term relationships, it is one of the best repellents for women with higher mating value (translation: high self-esteem).
If you’ve ever had a clingy partner, you probably know how suffocating it can feel. I had a very clingy boyfriend, and it extinguished the spark I felt for him within months.
At first, I appreciated this constant companionship, but over time, I began to lose my independence because I was not allowed to do anything on my own.
The constant search for attention and reassurance made it very difficult for me to have my own space and my own time. These two things are non-negotiable for me.
It drove me up the wall to the point where I couldn’t get my precious space.
So, what I learned from that experience is that clinginess is a deal breaker for me.
And based on research, many people agree!
3) It must be serious
Ah, the enormity. Being disheveled or unclean seems to be of great importance.
I mean it’s so important that it’s been listed as a deal breaker for both short and long term relationships and for both men and women!
I get it. Fortunately, I haven’t had a partner with hygiene issues, but I can well imagine what it would be like to sleep next to someone who doesn’t smell good.
Or to maintain a well-maintained home with someone who doesn’t tolerate dishes being left piled in the sink.
I bet that would be disgusting and unacceptable, as you would live in constant fear of germs and pathogens! Which is why it’s actually a deal breaker.
So take your cue from that – practice good hygiene and keep yourself clean. You don’t want poor hygiene habits to prevent you from sharing your life with someone amazing!
4) Addiction
The study didn’t delve much into why addiction is such a common deal-breaker, but it’s also understandable given the complexities of the disease.
Although research has already highlighted the nature of addiction as a disease, many people still view it as a character flaw or weakness.
The stigma associated with addiction persists to this day despite advances in our understanding of addiction (and mental illness as well).
5) Socializing
Here’s another deal breaker with a lot of assumptions attached to it. Obviously, a person’s number of previous sexual partners affects his or her perceived level of attractiveness.
According to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, both men and women find a person less attractive if they have a more diverse sexual history.
The difficult thing is that people want a partner with a little bit of a past, but not a lot.
Obviously other factors affect this, such as age. For example, a 35-year-old typically has more previous sexual partners than a 21-year-old.
But in general, the magic number seems to be three. Any more than that and people will start to wonder if it’s worth pursuing the relationship.
This may be due to issues such as fear of sexually transmitted diseases, trust issues, concerns about emotional attachment, or simply different values.
6) Lack of ambition/motivation
Why is lack of motivation a problem for many people?
Well, because, like sexual promiscuity, it highlights a mismatch of values.
When you’re looking for a potential life partner, you want someone to plan your future with. You want someone with the same ability to grow, both personally and professionally.
And if your partner lacks ambition and drive, you’ll likely end up working twice as hard to achieve your financial goals.
The idea of having to carry someone else’s weight is enough to scare people.
7) Abuse and anger issues
According to studies conducted by psychologist Peter Jonasson, an abusive partner or one with anger issues is one of the biggest deal breakers when it comes to long-term relationships.
First, what exactly does abuse involve? It’s not just about physical abuse; It can also include emotional, verbal, or even financial abuse.
Needless to say, it can be extremely harmful to a relationship. It can make the victim feel insecure, unloved, and unimportant, and can lead to long-lasting emotional scars.
And let’s not forget anger issues. Everyone gets angry from time to time, but if someone has constant anger issues, it can be a big problem in a relationship.
It can lead to frequent arguments, emotional outbursts, and a general feeling of discomfort and tension in the relationship.
8) To be sticky
This is another flashing red flag that you should pay attention to, although it is largely in the context of flirtation and short-term relationships.
“Taking a sticky approach” emerged in a study of Greek samples by Menelaos Apostolou and Chrysovalanto Eleftheriou as a deal-breaker in courtship situations.
What exactly does it mean to be sticky?
Well, you know those people who make you uncomfortable? They give off an aura of dishonesty, hypocrisy or manipulation.
It’s a real turn-off in the context of flirting and dating because people generally want to feel like the person they’re interacting with is real. They want to be treated with respect and consideration.
In contrast, the sticky approach does the opposite: it makes you feel confused and uncertain about the person’s intentions. You may also feel disrespected and violated.
9) Lack of gravity
A 2022 study conducted in Hungary listed a lack of physical attraction as the disabling factor for subjects.
This is completely understandable because of course we gravitate towards people we find attractive.
But the interesting thing about this type of deal is that it can be bypassed if the person has a lot of deal maker qualities.
For example, there may not be a strong physical attraction, but if the person is smart, funny, or trustworthy, this obstacle may be easier to overcome.
Instead of being a “deal breaker,” they become a “deal breaker” — a term coined by psychologists Nicole Charlotte and Samantha Joel. It indicates an issue that is usually considered a deal breaker but may not make people get out of relationships right away
10) Not on the same page on values
This final section covers a lot of ground because of the complexities that both individuals and relationships face.
I’ve touched on it a bit in discussions of promiscuity and stimulation, but there are many other areas in which a couple can find themselves completely incompatible.
It’s kind of a deal breaker that’s really personal and varies from person to person. Here are some examples:
- Finances (different saving and spending habits)
- Children (one partner wants to have children, the other does not)
- Social/political/religious values
- Unwillingness to reach a compromise
- Life balance with work
- Different sexual motives
- Different social circles
This is by no means an exhaustive list; As I said, values are intensely personal. What may be unacceptable to you may be acceptable to others.
Conclusion
After decades of research into the positive traits people look for in their partners, it’s good to know that more attention is now being paid to deal-breakers.
