I recently ended a two-year serious relationship.
The heartache was bad, and it took a while to bounce back, but what made it worse was my ex’s horrible behavior and actions.
By talking with friends and reading articles written by psychologists and relationship coaches, she realized that her behavior was not random.
It was part of a pattern of destructive and hurtful things that every toxic person will do at the end of a relationship.
1) Sending you toxic and harmful messages
When a relationship ends it is very painful.
The breakup may be mutual and there may be many reasons that push you to break up.
But it still hurts.
My ex-wife and I found that our relationship had just diminished, and I found her behavior to be overly controlling.
But I wasn’t angry with her or hateful. I just wanted to go back to living my own life.
That wasn’t how she saw it, and if she broke up with a toxic person he wouldn’t either.
Toxic messages are likely to start immediately:
Accusations, angry condemnations, insults and insults, wishing you bad luck in the future, threatening to expose past mistakes you’ve made or punish you for things they falsely claim you’ve done.
2) Trash talks to you behind your back
Second, they will start talking trash behind your back with friends, family, and just about anyone.
This is just an amplification to send you all the angry poison pen letters.
They make a big deal out of it by telling it to anyone else who will listen, and they try to sabotage your reputation and make you a monster.
This is a very toxic behavior but it is very common.
Instead of trying to resolve the hurt themselves or talking to you, the annoying person feels the need to go public and involve others.
This is a really bad habit and it may be hard to believe it’s happening to you, because you probably would never do it.
Will the person who once claimed to care deeply about you ever reach such a bad level?
Unfortunately the answer is yes.
3) Spread their pain all over social media
Another thing every toxic person will do at the end of a relationship is spread it everywhere.
They will show how sad, angry and disgusted they are on social media.
They might also brag about how happy they are to be free of a supposedly terrible person like you.
No matter who broke up with the other, toxic people take the end of a relationship as an opportunity to burn everything down.
They will try to hurt you as much as possible, including by publicizing and publicizing the breakup as much as possible.
This might include some bad jokes, vlogs (video logs), and even looking up direct messages and private correspondence between you.
Again, it’s really terrifying to think that someone you once trusted would stoop to this kind of sniping level, but toxic individuals will actually stoop to this low and even lower in their quest for revenge.
4) Try to undermine the previous foundation of the relationship
Another thing every toxic person will do at the end of a relationship is try to blow up any previous basis of connection.
They will basically claim that the relationship was worthless from the beginning or was based on a lie.
Guess whose fault it was and who entered the relationship on false grounds?
Of course it was you.
They are your innocent victim, and they are basically the devil.
It’s always good to know…
This type of villain role may seem funny at first and you may be tempted to ignore it or dismiss it as childish behavior.
To be fair, it’s clearly childish and doesn’t deserve your respect.
But you have to be very careful not to defuse this from the beginning. If you allow your toxic ex to believe that they can just rant and rave as much as they want, they will likely take it too far and become an extreme, destabilizing force in your life.
5) Blaming you for the breakup, even if they were littermates
Another thing that is always certain according to a toxic person is that you are to blame for the breakup.
Even if they left you, it was your fault that they left you.
No matter what happened in your private times, it’s up to you to be a terrible person in their eyes.
You’re supposed to appease your ex and calm his ego.
No matter how much you may have been hurt or how much they have betrayed you, the expectation is that you will put all the weight on your shoulders and give in to the abuse.
It’s honestly so disgusting.
If they yell at you and treat you horribly? Your fault is for not understanding them enough or not being kind enough.
If they steal money from you or even beat you? You made them do this by flirting with someone else or not paying enough attention to them.
And it goes on and on…
6) Ask you to take responsibility for their well-being
Part and parcel of this gaslighting is that you are expected to be responsible for how your ex feels.
The breakup hurt them, it was your fault, you’re a cheater and so on.
Everything you did or didn’t do hurt and betrayed them a lot, supposedly, and now you’re responsible for anything that happens to them.
This can unfortunately go as far as threatening suicide if you don’t get them back or approach them.
This is where your ex’s behavior goes from being annoying to potentially illegal and you may have to even contact law enforcement.
Trying to make someone else responsible for maintaining your life is too extreme a step that can cause you tremendous mental distress that you should not have to endure.
If things go this far, be sure to talk to a trusted friend or licensed professional about what to do next.
Far too many people have ended up going back to or allowing their ex to abuse them because of feelings of guilt about what would happen if that person hurt themselves.
7) Give ultimatums about taking them back or try to shift the blame onto you
Raising ultimatums is a very common thing for toxic people to do after a breakup.
“If you don’t take me back, I will…”
“If you don’t admit you were wrong, I will leave bad reviews about your work everywhere I can on the internet in a bunch of random accounts.”
“If you don’t see why I have to break up with you, it’s because you’re a terrible person.”
When this gets to the point of threatening self-harm, you may have to start thinking about your next steps on a very serious level, as you mentioned.
The fact of the matter is that you can’t overreact to a dangerous and toxic ex, but you also can’t underreact.
And so on and so on.
8) Try to sabotage the ongoing good things in your life
No matter how good you have in your life, a toxic ex will do one of two things.
He or she will do his or her best to give you bad reviews, complain about you, ruin your reputation and damage your life.
The second option is that they will spread a lot of negativity and ignore you to the point where they try to “lose the joy” of all your victories.
“Yes, you’ve started this new job, congratulations. You do realize that the entire sector is headed toward a massive collapse next year, right?”
9) Blaming you for future problems they face and evading the ban
No matter how many times you block this toxic partner, they will find a way to get over it.
New SIM cards, new phones, a Skype phone number they can call from, you name it.
Okay, maybe I’m offering a lot of ideas for angry exes here.
the point is:
No matter what, they will find a way to fill your ear with their toxic bullshit and they won’t take no for an answer.
Obviously this can be very painful, to the point where you start hoping to meet someone new and be happy just to be left alone!
10) You feel jealous and look down on any future relationship you have
It would be nice to think that your goodwill towards your ex will be returned.
But toxic people often take the end of a relationship as an opportunity to tarnish your reputation and wish you ill.
Whatever success you’re enjoying or new love you’ve found, they’re probably out there making sarcastic comments or making fun of you online.
It’s sad, but that’s the reality.
What’s even more frustrating is that you often don’t realize that these are someone’s true colors until after your relationship with them has ended.
