Do you feel like you have a few toxic family members in your life? Are you sick and tired of dealing with these mischievous family members, day in and day out?
The summer season can be a fun time for family reunions and cherished memories of beach gatherings, fireworks, camping adventures, etc. For some, unfortunately, this scenario is not the case.
In families where the individual has narcissistic tendencies (or displays full-blown NPD or malignant narcissistic behaviors), this reunion turns into a nightmare.
Much literature has been written on this topic (see below for resources).
This article is simply an attempt to remind survivors of narcissistic abuse in family systems that there is hope for recovery and that there are things you can do to protect yourself from further exposure to the toxic field of emotional abuse by a narcissist (or other psychological abuser) in your family.
Related: 11 Signs It’s An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
10 tips for dealing with toxic family members
1) It is not your job to diagnose your family member or to determine “where” on the spectrum of narcissism your family member lies.
What you need to focus on is you. I cannot stress enough the importance of finding a skilled physician who focuses on your strengths to aid in recovery.
2) If the toxic person (be it a family member/friend/boss/lover/ex/colleague) will be present at the family gathering, you are under no obligation to attend.
It’s okay to let go of any commitment where you feel you will be subjected to further emotional abuse.
Remember, these psycho-aggressors love to send FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt) – if you’re feeling sucked into the fog of FOG, chances are a manipulation tactic has been deployed that is causing you cognitive dissonance and emotional pain.
Again, protect yourself and put your emotional well-being first. This act is not selfish – it is an act of self-care.
3) You can’t contact toxic family members, just as you can with a toxic ex.
You may feel guilty, and other family members may not understand why you chose to move forward with no contact. However, remind yourself that you have every right to protect yourself from psychological harm.
Perhaps the toxic family member has done a very skillful act of acting to convince others that you are crazy (blame projection/shifting) or that they are perfect (false masking) and why you treat them unfairly (victim play)?
Stick to your toughness and know that you are setting healthy boundaries by protecting your emotional and physical health from further abuse by a toxic person. You don’t need to justify or explain it to anyone.
Related: The Ten Types of Victim the Narcissist Hoovers
4) Like an abusive ex, if a toxic family member is harassing, stalking, or generating unwanted contact, you have every right to take legal action.
Consult an attorney or legal aid regarding filing a restraining order and other protections (such as a cease and desist order).
An additional layer of legal protection is an additional barrier to accountability and potential for containing the abuser. Narcissists do not want to be exposed for their abuse.
5) Request psychological counseling to receive support for separation and to get rid of toxic family systems.
There are licensed therapists who specialize in helping empower their clients with a strengths-focused perspective (vs. victim-shaming/blame).
Interview potential mental health professionals who have information about trauma and know something about narcissistic abuse, to make sure you feel empowered, not ashamed or blamed.
Good psychotherapy can be invaluable in healing any residual trauma, depression, or anxiety caused by a family system that perpetuated narcissism (or other forms of abuse).
6) If your clan (with blood) has some toxic members, you can create your own clan from unconditionally supportive, genuine and safe members.
These individuals do not have to be related to you by blood.
They can be friends, colleagues or neighbors. Look for authenticity, integrity, reciprocity, compassion, empathy, honesty, accountability, and compromise as important traits in healthy relationships.
Related: How To Outsmart A Narcissist In Any Conversation: 7 Tips
7) If a toxic person wants to get better, you can’t do the work for them.
They must discover their own path to healing and connect with the drive to do so, and that usually involves a lot of therapy over a long period of time.
Just because someone begs and tells you to stay in the relationship (be it familial or romantic), doesn’t mean you have to.
If the person is capable of change, you will see evidence of consistent and ongoing behavioral change over a long period of time, with evidence of accountability, empathy, and remorse for the harm they have caused. For individuals who are more on the narcissism spectrum, change is very limited and so is insight.
The malignant narcissist/psychopath will not change… sadly they are hard-wired in their ways and equipped to be who they are. A person with “traits” of narcissism may have a limited ability to transform and change if they can benefit from some insight and empathy.
8) Read about narcissistic abuse and family systems.
To understand your situation and gain some detachment from emotional pain. (see below for resources)
9) Self-care.
You’ve Heard the Word, Do the Action… Good Sleep, Good Nutrition, Exercise, Strong Social Support, Yoga, Meditation, Exercises to Reduce Stress, Omega-3 Fish Oil, Nature, Journaling. bubble.
Related: Why We Stay In The Wrong Relationships? 4 Reasons According To Experts
10) I hope you get over the pain.
Whether or not your family member can repair the damage, you will move on to establishing healthy relationships with healthy members of your clan or those you have vetted to become part of your newly founded clan.
