This is because we try to understand manipulative people, such as narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths, through our standards of behavior.
But they don’t follow societal rules and, as such, use a range of tactics that confuse and distort our sense of reality. Here are ten of them:
- Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of mental manipulation in which the perpetrator uses emotional and psychological scare tactics to convince his or her victim that they are going crazy.
The term is from the 1938 movie Gas Light, in which a husband wants to drive his wife crazy and hide the gas lights in their home, but tells his wife she fantasizes about him. He uses this and many other methods to convince her that she is going crazy.
- Projection
Manipulative people often use projection as a way to get away from their flaws. Projection is a way of focusing on another person and highlighting (or making up) a negative aspect of a partner’s behavior.
For example, a husband may be having an affair but instead of apologizing to his wife, he may call her clingy behavior the reason for his affair. A fired employee may blame his co-workers and say he was constantly picked on.
- Frustrated conversations
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that ended up leaving you, absolutely dazed and confused, wondering what the hell happened? Perhaps you are talking to a narcissist or psychopath.
These types of manipulative people use words like bullets to distance you from any truth they don’t want you to know. Especially if you challenge them. They will do everything they can to confuse, distract, and discourage you from knowing the truth.
- Move the goalposts
A manipulative person doesn’t want you to succeed at anything, and therefore will go out of their way to make sure that doesn’t happen. They will move the target posts to see you fail.
And once this happens, their disappointment in you can be justified. Even if you reach their expectations over and over again, be prepared to aim higher than you realize. It is their way of telling you that you will never be good enough in their eyes.
- They change the subject
A narcissist will always want to be a topic of conversation unless they are in some kind of situation, so changing the topic works both ways. If you get bored by talking about yourself for too long, they will quickly bring the topic back to themselves. For example – talking about the march you did in support of LGBT rights? They had a friend who died for the cause.
However, if they are held liable for some misdemeanor, they will want to get off the subject immediately, and it will be at your expense. Talk about them not having a job for a while and they’ll talk about how horrible your mom treated them at a birthday party and how are they supposed to work after that.
- Love bombing and devaluation
Manipulative people shower you with affection, attention, and adoration until you get hooked. However, the minute you are, and you start thinking that you have the beginnings of a great relationship, it gets choppy.
All the things they did at the beginning of the relationship, the constant texting, phone calls, and meeting on the weekends, all of which trigger them by the way, now class as weird behavior on your part and you being the clingy and needy one.
- Triangulation
Adding a third person to the mix who identifies with your abuser is another favorite trick of toxic and manipulative people.
They use this third person to validate their offensive behavior and often disguise it as joking but mean in their eyes. The third person will see it as light-hearted banter and go along with it, not knowing the full extent of the offense. The abuser does this so you can let the victim question.
- Harsh comments disguised as jokes
You don’t hate it when someone says something harsh about someone and then covers it up by saying, “Just kidding!” For me, this is like sharing.
Using this method is a license to be nasty without anyone calling you that, because if you do, you will be labeled as precious or sensitive, or you can’t tell a joke. This is verbal abuse and should be called out whenever it is seen.
- Waiver and giving
Even though a toxic person is constantly having tantrums and probably deserves to be spoken to condescendingly, they are the ones who talk to their victims in that way.
Of course, it is a form of controlling and shaming their victims and they take great pleasure in doing it not only in public but in secret as well. They use condescending talk to silence you and intimidate you into losing your confidence. This is a case of Catch 22, the less confident you are, the less they have to do. It’s a win-win.
- Control
At the end of the day, it’s all about controlling the manipulative abuser. They ultimately want complete control over you. They want to isolate you from your friends and family, control your finances and your freedom, make sure they know exactly who you spend time with (if anyone), and most importantly, control your mental health.
This often happens because of their mood. You may never know what mood they’ll be in daily, or what turns them on. It can be something different every day, which makes it almost impossible to keep them happy.
