Leave your abusive wife now. Before anyone protests the sanctity of the marriage vow, let me say that I do not take this answer lightly. Let me qualify the term, abusive spouse. Most people are sometimes emotionally “abusive.” These days, this term is bandied about loosely and it can be difficult to know what this or that individual means. Ironically, many abusers accuse their spouses of abusive behavior in an attempt to dismiss their mistakes.

So let’s clarify what this term really means. Many people close down, withdraw, lose their temper, and sulk. As humans, we are sometimes passive aggressive, cross boundaries, or let an inappropriate word fly out of our mouths. These behaviors need to be addressed that are immature, cause pain to others, and generally set our relationships back a step or two. We can all be jerks sometimes. This does not make us the abuser.

Like most things, abusive behavior falls on a scale from minor to serious. If you feel true remorse, are able to take responsibility for your actions, and stop engaging in the behavior even if it takes several tries, then you are a normal human being with a conscience. Chances are you are not the abuser. So what does an abusive spouse really look like and why should you leave now?

1: Escalation of abusive behavior.

When we look at the life of a relationship, abusive or immature behaviors generally decline. We mature, we grow together, and we learn to love better. Unless one of us is abusive. If insults, attempts to control, manipulation, threats, and manipulation increase significantly, the behavior is not due to a lack of self-control or youth. Abusers rarely start a relationship by using their fists. They use charming husband and love bombing. Abusive behavior grows slowly over the years, starting out as just annoying and hurtful. Over time, the aggressor grinds down his victim like a glacier grinding down a valley. Slow and steady.

Related : Five Ways Narcissists Use Cognitive Dissonance

My ex went from threatening the girls for good behavior to eventually setting their stuff on fire. Do you understand what I mean? However, he did not physically harm them. Over time, victims become desensitized to abuse. I don’t mean that it has less impact. I mean the ability to respond is diminished. So we need to check our relationships. If it gets steadily worse over time, we’re probably dealing with an abuser, not just a moody person.

2: Examine your mind and body for the effects of abuse.

Abusive behavior takes a real toll on us. If we live in fear and are exposed to regular trauma, our minds and bodies suffer real damage. Are we always miserable? Do we hide things from our spouses because we are afraid of their reactions? Walking on eggshells is a risky way to live. Choosing to live in a war zone will result in war wounds that may not heal in this lifetime. For a few years before I left my ex for the last time, my internal motto was I wish I was dead. I’ve said that to myself hundreds of times a day and I mean it. If we find ourselves wishing we were dead, it’s time to re-evaluate our lives. This is not God’s will for us.

And some people believe, as I once believed, that if they can somehow insert themselves between their spouses and children and take the blows, the children will be saved. this is not true. It is as painful for children to watch a parent suffer at the hands of another as it is for them to experience the abuse firsthand. In fact, witnessing abuse is immediate trauma. I wish I had known this sooner. We often believe the lie that we can somehow mitigate abuse if we throw our bodies at the grenade. But there are no shortcuts available on the highway to abuse. Watching someone go through trauma is painful.

3: Staying enables abusive behavior.

Somehow, we Christians have begun to accept the lie that turning the other cheek means never standing up to evil. But even Jesus did not surrender himself into the hands of the Pharisees until he was ready to do so. Matthew 7:6 says:

Do not give what is holy to dogs, nor throw it. You are your pearls before swine, lest they trample them. Under their feet and they will come back and tear you apart.

guess what? Each one of us is sacred, created by God to serve Him alone. When we stay with an abuser, we are throwing our lives, our pearls, before the pigs. And make no mistake, if you are abused, you will be run over.

So what does the Bible say?

In Galatians 7:15-16, Paul wrote:

But if the unbelieving partner leaves the other, so be it. In such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether your wife will be saved?

If your husband is intentionally traumatizing you through emotional, verbal, physical, or financial abuse, hasn’t he already abandoned you? They may hold you prisoner within the confines of a relationship, but not as a person created in the image of God. They have given up your humanity, and they have also given up their humanity. Aggressors know the harm they cause. They do it on purpose. It’s not immaturity, it’s cruelty.

In such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved… And yet, too often in Christendom, we act as if this were the case. Remember when Jesus was rebuked for picking some grains of wheat from the field to eat on the Sabbath? He said that the Sabbath was created for man, not man for the Sabbath. This is true for marriage. Marriage was made for humans, not humans for marriage. God did not invent marriage and then create some humans to fulfill his idea of ​​it. Rather, marriage is meant to be life-giving and covenant. Unfortunately, not all marriages can be described this way.

It is an escape, not a separation

Pin the Abusive Husband My goal in writing this is to answer the question I am asked every week by a heartbreaking group of women who live with abusive and/or narcissistic husbands. I even get this question from men trapped in marriages with emotionally abusive women. “Should I leave?” They ask me after telling me about horrific accidents and decades of misery.

But this is where we get to the heart of the matter. “Yes, you should leave,” is an easy answer to the question most of these women have pondered for years. If it’s a matter of walking out the door without fear, the husband is probably not an abuser. Leaving the aggressor is not about an act of will, but about an act of war and desperate escape. Without family support, without church support, leaving a dangerous spouse is not an easy task. Two out of every five women murdered were murdered by an intimate partner. See these links for the latest research. Intimate Partner Violence Intimate Partner Violence Statistics

As a woman who was urged to stay with my ex despite her pastor calling him a “miserable human being,” I urge the church to take another look at its position. If, as James says, true religion is to care for the widow and the orphan, then we should consider placing abused women in this category. They have been abandoned, and for some, their spirit, spirit and body have been severely injured. Instead of asking women why they want to leave, we should ask, “How can I help you escape?”