One of the most common questions from people in a relationship is: “What are the things some relationship spoilers should watch out for?”
Deal breakers are those behaviors or circumstances that one partner cannot or is unwilling to tolerate in the relationship. Tolerance is a relative term and subject to each individual’s unique ability to accept varying degrees of distress or discomfort, so there is no general, one-size-fits-all answer to this question.
Thus, there is no higher authority to which we can submit to legitimize our right to refuse to tolerate a particular practice or behavior on the part of our partner or to sanction our right to continue behaviors that are unacceptable to them.
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While one person may be willing or able to tolerate casual affairs and infidelity on the part of their spouse, another person may not want to stay together with a single infidelity.
The same goes for physical or verbal abuse, addiction, chronic dishonesty, or any of the other conditions that may be present in toxic, unhealthy relationships. Even different religious beliefs, morals, and values can be a topic of discussion between spouses.
This does not mean that either person is right or wrong in their behavior or in the degree to which they are willing to tolerate that behavior in another person. This also does not mean that we should not make an effort to identify the different values that all couples inevitably have regarding their beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors.
What can – and often does – push a situation from workable to unworkable territory is the unwillingness of either partner to openly discuss their thoughts, feelings, interests, experiences, and needs, especially in a toxic and controlling relationship.
A willingness on the part of the “offending” partner to consider changing his or her beliefs or behaviors is required to create a deeper level of trust and respect in the relationship.
If there is no motivation on the part of the alcoholic to modify his or her drinking habits, no desire on the part of the abuser to get help in changing his behavior, and no desire on the part of the parent to openly and publicly discuss her child-rearing philosophies. By being respectful to his wife, the chances of this situation occurring or becoming a deal breaker are greatly increased.
In most cases, the possibility of resolution has less to do with the behavior than with one or both partners’ perception that there are legitimate reasons to trust that there is a genuine intention to change the behavior or situation causing or effectively managing the distress in the relationship.
It is also important for the other partner to be open to thinking about ways in which they may be unwittingly contributing to the situation or to discover ways in which they can be more effective in dealing with their concerns.
However, even in cases where there is a willingness on the part of both partners to do their work, this may not necessarily be sufficient.
Breaking this pattern may not be enough to achieve a result that restores balance and mutual trust in the relationship.
The longer an unacceptable situation is allowed to persist in a relationship, the more likely it is that it will become toxic.
Related: Give Yourself Credit — Walking Away From A Toxic Relationship Is Hard
A toxic relationship is one in which the level of trust, respect, and goodwill has deteriorated to the point of loss of desire and motivation to heal the partnership by one or both parties.
At this stage, the probability of regaining this desire is very low and the prognosis for the relationship is poor.
There are serious risks that couples face when they try for too long to tolerate conditions that cause severe suffering to one or both partners.
There are serious risks that couples face when they try for too long to tolerate conditions that cause severe suffering to one or both partners.
Living in hope, denial, or being distracted by unhealthy behaviors or relationships, only causes greater suffering in inherently unbearable situations.
While facing the truth can be difficult and painful, in the long run, it is the most direct path out of our suffering.
With very few exceptions, most situations don’t start as deal breakers — they become deal breakers when they are ignored or handled inappropriately over a long period.
Misguided efforts by one partner to try to take on his or her pain and frustration add to the entrenched nature of the problem.
Although there is no way (nor is it necessary) to assess what percentage of the problem is each person’s, it is generally the case that both partners have more cognitive filters that prevent them from seeing the full range of options available to them.
This is where help from a trusted friend or professional can help shed light on possibilities that may not have been recognized before.
The earlier we acknowledge and respond to deep-seated differences in relationships, the more likely they are not to deteriorate to the point of becoming deal-breakers.
However, sometimes, despite our best efforts, we can encounter genuine deal breakers. In cases where it is clear that fundamental differences are too great to bridge the gap between us, it is wise to acknowledge this reality, end the relationship respectfully if possible, and move forward separately or differently. Relationship.
Commitment does not necessarily mean that we stay together forever, no matter what, but that we remain engaged in the process of honoring, respecting, and loving the other as best we can, and in the process, becoming a more loving and lovable person ourselves.
Sometimes, the best way we can express our love is to refuse to tolerate something in another person that causes harm or damage to ourselves, ourselves, or others.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is try to become more accepting of them or their behavior.
There is no general answer to the question of what suits me now, in this situation, in this relationship.
But staying present and deeply connected to ourselves rather than focusing on our partner, can sometimes be the best way to find the answer to what may be the most important question of the moment: “What’s my next step?”
Related: 5 Low-Key Toxic Habits That Keep You Stuck In Bad Relationships
