I always thought sayings like “Birds of a feather flock together” and “You are who you hang out with” were ridiculous. I had all sorts of different friends and couldn’t have been more inconsistent. I also dated guys who looked nothing like the college seniors I was hanging out with. It just didn’t make sense to me.

After a few years, what I thought were truly meaningful, lasting friendships turned out to be fake friendships. I was also fake friends with some people who were actually great friends. I had to learn how to be a better friend to the people who were actually better friends.

Until you feel good about yourself and set boundaries around the value you believe you have, you will never be attracted to what is good for you (no matter how much you want it and deserve it). You will only be attracted to what excites you.

And what excites you is not who you are.

For a long time, I didn’t have anyone; it was hard. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – as you evolve, everyone will have an allergic reaction – good or bad – to that evolution. Even your family. The more you evolve, the more alone you become in many ways. Many of us grow up basing our worth on how often we are chosen and how much external validation we can get.

It’s really hard to reroute those neural pathways by supporting the one person you’ve ignored and allowed toxic friendships to hit you over and over again — yourself.

Jim Rohn famously said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” I don’t know if Jim meant it that way, but the real turning point for me was realizing that the five included me. You are the one you spend the most time with.

Over the years, I’ve become more private, I’ve had my own emotional life, and I’ve realized that I don’t really have “friendships” anymore. I have a lot of what I call acquaintances, plus a few very close people who make up my chosen family.

Bottom Line: You are who you associate with.

Before I talk about why the friends you have with anyone you are in a relationship with are so important, here are a few things I’ve noticed about myself and the friendships in my life…

You are who you associate with. All of the people I’m closest to have experienced pain on a life-changing level. A level that their motivation, their success, their attitude, and their lives confirm every day. It’s not just about being friends with people who own private jets. It’s about embodying Earl Nightingale’s definition of success: “Success is the gradual realization of a worthwhile ideal.” All of my closest friends have experienced loss, deprivation, and rejection, from which they’ve learned, grown, and become successful because of it. They don’t start with these narratives when they can. They simply, and not in a grandiose/life of a boss/theatrical way, act calmly despite it. The ability to empathize with others is a result.
We all follow our path while respecting and supporting the path of the other.
My friendships are free and easy. They cost me nothing; I don’t count cards or get angry. It’s easy. Being close to these people doesn’t cost either of us our peace, sanity, dignity, or self-respect. There’s no push and pull.

While our beliefs and opinions may differ, we share the same core values. Especially when it comes to respect. You’re who you mingle with.

There’s no judgment. We understand each other and help each other in any way we can in situations we may not agree with.

We’re all busy and have our own lives. If we don’t talk for months, we can always get back to normal.

We mind our own business.

We protect each other but we don’t parent. Few things in life are more annoying than having a parental friend.

Related : How Long Does It Take To Get Over Someone?

We don’t all need to be together—photographing, filtering, tagging, posting. We don’t feel the need to constantly document our friendship. Many of my friends don’t know each other and many do. There’s no insular atmosphere.

For a long time, I felt so alone in my experiences, feelings, fears, pain, and insecurities. Part of the reason I started this blog was to build a family and friendships, all over the world, that connect with me in the most meaningful and intimate way possible—by seeing your pain in my pain.

You are who you spend time with.

I have formed many wonderful friendships through this blog and I try to interact with as many readers as possible. However, I still apply the same list and ask myself the same questions as I do with my closest friends:

I only respond and give my energy to good people who don’t make me doubt my worth.

I used to feel like I had to make everyone like me. It never worked, and it only made me self-sabotage. You’re never going to impress a sarcastic person, so why tie your worth to that? It’s pointless.

I also used to feel selfish and immature for applying this mindset when people would say to me, “Oh Natasha, you can’t handle criticism!” It’s not that I can’t handle criticism. I can handle criticism. It’s about prioritizing your peace and realizing what’s not worth your energy.

You will never look at your toilet full of crap and think, “Oh my God, if I flush it, everyone will think I can’t stand the smell.” Who wants to stand the smell?

I only respond to people who are constructive in their criticism, actions, and communication.
I do not respond or give any energy to selfish, agenda-driven people.
I do not waste my energy on people who are emotional vampires.

I am not a fan of “tough love” or people who enjoy seeing how high they can make you jump.

I do not respond to people who are out of touch with reality.

I do not respond to emotionally bankrupt people.

I only respond to people who are respectful and kind in their honesty, not cruel and disrespectful people.

I recently told a very successful colleague about something I am dealing with personally. He was very harsh in his text message response. I did not respond and deleted the text message. I received a very sincere apology message a few days later. You teach people how to treat you and you are the one you interact with.

I don’t give energy to anyone who is gossiping creating drama or being nosy.

This is not a drama made for TV. This is my life and I only get one side of it. And I appreciate that.

It has to be a good deal for both sides – do I know something? Am I learning something?

This all sounds really cliché and annoying but I’m telling you it has simplified and transformed my life. It’s not like I spend my days with a checklist before I interact with anyone. I’m more relaxed and less stressed because I know my boundaries. My boundaries are no longer negotiable. It’s no different than going to a buffet and only wanting to eat the foods that appeal to you – that’s the point of going to a buffet. Your life is your buffet.

I only connect with people who are as open to listening as they are to sharing.

I don’t connect with anyone I have to lead to humanity and decency.

Who wants to have to extract decency, kindness, compassion, humanity, and an apology from an adult? If you see an adult wearing diapers, that’s not a sign for you to change. It’s a sign for you to avoid adults who haven’t been emotionally potty trained.

• If you’ve read these lists and feel like you don’t have anyone, think again. Comment on this post and see the love, understanding, respect, and compassion that comes back to you. You are who you spend time with and you are part of that tribe.
  So, back to “you are who you spend time with”… when it comes to dating and relationships, here’s why who you are friends with matters.

Birds of a feather flock together and you are who you spend time with. No matter how different or seemingly different they are, if someone is a close friend of yours, there is some common denominator. It may not be obvious at first, but it is there.

It’s not about being a bad person — I’ve dated some great guys who have close friends who act and talk in ways my friend never did to me.

I’d say my friend was the leader of the pack. I kind of liked the way he would advise them, lend them money, and “keep them company.” The reason he was friends with them was because they were childhood friends, which I completely respected and understood.

The only problem was that none of them branched out or diversified into other relationships or developed. They all gave each other advice that an eighth-grader would have gotten over. It was all “I don’t get it” humor. Slowly it became less and less appealing.

Not only did this guy have no one to motivate him, he had no reason to branch out. I mean, why would he? He had his own built-in set of justifications, ego-strokes, and insurance for mediocrity.

They were all very good guys, and I’m sure they are to this day. But they don’t find any wind under their wings because their friendship as members alone has proven to be the best that anyone else can get.

And that’s a good thing. That’s true. I never want to hurt anyone and I’ve been there.

It just wasn’t right for me anymore. And that’s a good thing too.

Given this and other warning signs, the relationship didn’t work out. I ended up being the monster he promoted on a level that his friends could never reach.

He was happy to secure my position as a cheerleader and I was very happy (finally!) to be selected for the team. In the end, I felt overwhelmed and expectations were created that couldn’t be met on both sides.

Whether you’re dating someone or in a relationship, be less reactive and more calm about observing:

Who his friends present themselves (in person and on social media) versus who they are.

If your partner is adopting a different persona with him.
How your partner talks about/prioritizes/excuses/exonerates/gossips about their friends.

What your partner reveals about their friends.

How your partner treats their friends.

How your partner’s friends treat their partners.

What are the similarities, potential empowerment, and shared values?

How your partner and their friends/friends talk about/treat: the opposite sex, animals, their parents, their siblings, the elderly, and anyone who helps them.

Pay attention to your surroundings—not just when you’re walking down a dark alley, but when you’re walking down the alley of your relationship.

Appreciate your partner’s friends for who they are first and foremost: a clearer view of what your partner might be trying to hide.