Some people may say that narcissists cannot change, but I think they are wrong. However, there is a basic fact that you should consider before trying to change a partner you have labeled as a narcissist.
No one embraces change unless they have a stake in the happiness and personal growth it will bring, and your selfish need for control and power will likely resist you every step of the way.
In other words, to change a narcissist, your training must be their idea. You’re wasting your time if they’re not 110% on board and the frustration and resentment that follows isn’t worth your effort.
Additionally, your relationship must be safe, and tolerating abuse while hoping for change is counterproductive. It reinforces the very thing you want to change. If your partner is reactive and intimidating, it is best to exit the relationship and encourage them to seek support from someone else.
Finally, changing a narcissistic partner can be difficult because they rarely acknowledge that they are the problem. However, your person may be at “rock bottom” and willing to take responsibility. Just be careful that their apparent willingness is not a trick to tie you back.
This brings us back to the first rule, which is that your narcissist must want to change.
Related: Are You Secretly A Narcissist Without Knowing It? How To Find Out
If you decide you have a coachable partner, find out whether he or she has a diagnosis of narcissism, whether his behavior stems from negative and difficult relationship dynamics, or whether his actions are a reflection of a self-absorbed culture and society.
Your help for a diagnosed narcissist will be limited to the aspects of narcissism that he or she is willing to address. During training, the change that stems from the vulnerable dynamics between you will necessarily include and involve your change. A partner who has adapted to society and become self-absorbed will also benefit from a holistic approach.
This means that defining who, how, and what changes is crucial.
Is your partner a narcissist or are you simply in a toxic relationship?
It is important to be careful when describing someone as a narcissist because it is a mental health condition that can only be diagnosed by qualified psychiatrists or psychologists after comprehensive assessments and clinical interviews.
Let me share an anecdote from a recent encounter with a patient who was feeling overwhelmed and confused by a so-called narcissistic partner. After sitting down in her chair a short distance from me, she handed me the phone to reveal a text message filled with anger and disappointment, indicating a partner who had lost control of his emotions and could not communicate effectively.
In this particular case and many subsequent answers, it appears that the problem was one of deteriorating couple dynamics that led to widespread self-centered behavior rather than true narcissism. The challenging environment in your relationship may necessitate adopting a “me first and me only” attitude to survive.
Related: 8 Rules To Follow When You’re Married To A Narcissistic Sociopathic Husband
Is this person a narcissist or has he absorbed the narcissistic traits of society and culture?
Another reason for the prevalence of narcissistic traits is the influence of social media, celebrities, and movies that have led a person to believe that he or she has value only through physical appearance or a public image that can be compared to or better than others.
W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D., chair of the Department of Psychology at the University of Georgia, and San Diego State University psychology professor Jean Twenge, analyzed NPI (Narcissistic Personality Inventory) data from 85 studies and found that between 1982 and 2006, students’ narcissism scores increased Universities significantly. Follow-up studies conducted through 2008 indicate that this trend continues to rise.
Furthermore, the recent focus on building self-esteem, while important theoretically, often lacks a comprehensive understanding of self-esteem while promoting the belief that “I am special.” This has inadvertently contributed to a culture of self-promotion, which may lead to the reinforcement of narcissistic tendencies in individuals.
Having narcissistic traits does not make your partner’s personality disordered. It is worth noting that in recent years, labeling a selfish partner as a narcissist has gained popularity but may not be useful or accurate. Your partner is not a narcissist because you say so!
#Is your partner ready to change?
Now that we know a little about narcissism, you can decide whether the problem is your toxic relationship, the influence of a self-obsessed culture, narcissistic personality traits, or if you possibly fall into the category of a full-blown narcissist.
If they can take personal responsibility and be accountable, and if they are consistent in their desire to change, you may have the right person to work with. Your partner should want to be a better partner and person all the time, not just when they need to please you or manipulate you.
