Your marriage will not work. that’s good. Not all marriages do that.
However, even though you know you are doing the right thing, even though you know divorce is right for you, you are still afraid.
Not ending the marriage. You have come to terms with knowing that all those dreams you had are gone and that your marriage is over.
A painful realization to come to but you manage to accept it. And you are stronger for it.
The problem is that you are married to a narcissist and that is what scares you.
What if that charismatic person who has managed to get his way so often in life (and in your relationship) gets his way this last time? What if they could postpone the divorce, get everything, or get custody of your children?
The thought is enough to terrify anyone. You may be wondering, is it possible to win over a narcissistic person?
Is it worth the risk?
In our latest Quickies video, divorce attorney and counselor Karen Covey explains that, yes, it’s going to be hard — perhaps harder than any other type of divorce — but you can get a divorce from your narcissistic ex if you follow these three simple rules.
1. Control your emotions.
These are the most difficult of the three steps but also the most important because without them you cannot hope to carry out the other two.
Narcissists thrive by pushing your buttons to engage you.
Don’t take the bait.
When you’re going through a divorce, you’ll need to stay calm and show all your intelligence.
If you cannot control your emotions, your soon-to-be manipulative ex will know what to do to push away rational thinking and possibly make you appear disturbed during the divorce proceedings. Don’t let that happen.
2. Learn how to communicate with a narcissist.
Narcissists are known for manipulating a situation, often making you say something you don’t mean.
Even when you control your emotions the best you can, they can still creep under your skin.
Try to keep your correspondence via email and text messages so that the chances of a response at this moment will be less.
If this is not possible, or in those moments when it is unavoidable, keep your communications short, informative, and friendly but firm. Do not provide additional information that could be distorted and do not be rude.
Remember, you don’t want to give him any ammunition to use against you in the divorce case.
3. Finally, try to stay out of divorce court.
First of all, yes, you can get a divorce without having to go to court. This may seem like the most common way of doing things but it is not the only way to get a divorce.
And if you’re dealing with a narcissist, going to court is the worst because it’s their playground.
Courtrooms give narcissists a chance to succeed – to charm and create conflict.
You may think it will force the court to find out who your husband is. But keep in mind: I was tempted to marry him. Who says the judge won’t be charmed too?
It is best to seize the opportunity and settle outside the court system, and through mediation or cooperation.
Following these steps won’t guarantee you victory, but it does make it a lot less stressful than it otherwise would be.
And when you’re dealing with a narcissist…every little helps.
