Trying to deal with bullying in the workplace day in and day out is not easy. If quitting your job isn’t the answer for you, some research-based strategies may help you deal with bullies at work.

the main points

Toxic cultures are the main reason employees leave their jobs.
Less than 25% of workplace bullies experience negative repercussions for their bad behavior.
The best thing you can do in response to bullying in the workplace is to leave. If that’s impossible, keeping a physical distance from the bully can help.
For many of us, work isn’t just a place to go for insurance and collect a paycheck; It is a community in which we seek belonging and purpose. Unfortunately, for targets of workplace abuse, the employer who has been feeding our soul turns out to be the primary source of our anxiety.

In fact, during this time dubbed The Great Quit, toxic cultures were the primary reason employees gave for quitting their jobs, a construct that far outweighed concerns about pay gaps, flexible hours, and opportunities for advancement (Sull, Sull, and Zweig, 2022).

Advice for targets of abuse in the workplace

As a researcher who studies workplace bullying, I am often asked about strategies targets can use to escape abuse. My first answer isn’t a particularly popular one, though I’m still on its side.

He left! If you crunch the numbers, nearly 70% of victims of workplace bullying eventually lose their job through firing, constructive layoff, transfer, or voluntary separation; While less than 25% of bullies experience negative repercussions for their bad behavior (World Bank Institute, 2021).

Moreover, bullying is, at its core, a cultural problem, more than an individual problem, and work cultures that ooze toxicity, are unlikely to change.

However, for a myriad of reasons, many employees do not have the option to run. Therefore, below I present six research-driven strategies for navigating the workplace abuse war zone.

6 ways you can deal with workplace abuse and adult bullies

Allow yourself to grieve
In a capitalist society, our identities as human beings are often entangled with job titles. What we do is how we define who we are. When a bullying boss or co-worker steals that identity, it’s very upsetting. At that moment, our assumptions about kindness and fair play were shattered, forcing us to reconstruct our views of the world at work (Janov-Bolman, 1992).

This forced reconfiguration creates a great sense of loss. To mourn what was, we need to push back the walls to make room for grief. Writing in a journal, engaging in meditation practice, and seeking counseling from a therapist are all ways to work through loss (Lutgen-Sandvik, 2008).

Related: 8 Lies Narcissists Tell

Create a time-space
Bullies are a rowdy group that is hard to contain or direct. However, victims of workplace abuse can regain their strength by retraining their thoughts and reducing their reactivity.

To create “time-space,” we ask ourselves: Does this bully’s egregious behavior matter to me and my career tomorrow, next week, or next year? If not, we might as well shelve the pain it causes and refuse to take the bait.

By disengaging and placing emotional barriers between ourselves and the bully, we give ourselves a respite from the hurt, allowing us to leave work and enjoy our son’s soccer game or an afternoon walk with a truly supportive friend (Bruehlman-Senecal & Ayduk, 2015; Foulk, Woolum, & Erez, 2016; Moreno-Jiménez, Rodríguez-Muñoz, Pastor, Sanz-Vergel, & Garros, 2009).

Create physical distance
Bullying spreads like a virus. Studies show that rudeness is contagious. When a co-worker speaks with disdain, those around him are likely to adopt his aggressive behavior. When you are around a fat boss or co-worker, the emotional harm done to you intensifies.

By creating physical distance between you and your abuser, you create a barrier to potential harm. Possible strategies for determining distance include moving your desk, finding a quiet room you can escape from, or going out every day for a walk around campus to rejuvenate.

When you become familiar with your bully’s schedule, you can also begin to make a concerted effort to go when she’s around, thus avoiding being hit by the shrapnel of her bully’s intermittent outbursts (Foulk, Woolum, & Erez, 2016; White, 2004).

Use friendship as a buffer
Standing alone in the aftermath of workplace abuse is frustrating and damaging. Studies show that a friend at work can act as a bulletproof vest, protecting you from the onslaught of attacks.

A friend doesn’t even need to be a co-worker. Simply having people in your larger social circle that you can confide in significantly reduces levels of trauma, degrees of depression, and physical ailments commonly associated with workplace abuse (Cuadros & Berger, 2016).

Engage in a cognitive rehearsal

Workplace abuse victims tend to be generous with their time and tolerant of bad behavior. However, this tact can come at a cost when dealing with workplace bullies.

To fend off unexpected attacks, cognitive exercises, or rehearsing responses to inappropriate asides from questions, requests, and comments, help provide victims with a framework for dealing with intense interactions. Practicing these conversations in front of a mirror or with a trusted confidant allows victims to prepare in advance for confrontations.

Some of my favorite responses to harsh, inaccurate, or manipulative questions and comments include:

“I’ll need to think about that before responding.”
“Thank you for that insight but that’s not my experience.”
“I cannot respond to anonymous complaints or complaints. If you would like to talk to me about concerns people are expressing to you, please share who said it, in what context, and on what date. Then I will get back to those people directly. Without that information, it’s just gossip or Rumors, and I don’t respond to gossip or hearsay.”
These criticisms create pause and space for workplace abuse victims to regain their authority, as they refuse to engage in the bully’s bad behavior (Cuadros & Berger, 2016; Lutgen-Sandvik, 2006).

Activate forms of resistance

When someone falls prey to abuse in the workplace, well-meaning counselors often suggest responding more forcefully. However, such behavior and response are not consistent with the kind, gentle, and ethical nature of the targets.

Fortunately, there are other ways to fight back.

First, find a place to tell your story (Lutgen-Sandvik, 2006). As a workplace bullying researcher, I have collected the stories of more than 200 victims across states and countries. Within those anonymous posts, victims trust that they felt empowered by telling the truth about what happened to them.

Second, embrace the pejorative labels. When victims of workplace bullying are called vandals, whistleblowers, or problem employees, there can be great power in claiming the title honorably.

When this label is thrown your way, think to yourself:

“My innovative mind tasks me with disrupting conditions that contribute to long-standing institutional problems.”
“I called out bad behavior because my moral compass required that I speak out against the injustices suffered by my students, patients, or clients.”
“Change agents are inherently problematic because positive societal transformation does not happen by working within the confines of the status quo.”
Third, document everything. Keep a running record of said comments, sabotaged work, and manipulative interactions intended to derail your career. These documents allow you to speak in detail when reporting abuse.

So, instead of telling the abuser’s boss or HR that you’re being bullied, you say, “Let me share with you the following 10 things that have happened over the past month. I’m interested in hearing your explanation and response to what I’m sharing” (Lutgen-Sandvik, 2006).

In conclusion, because bullying is intrinsically more of a cultural problem at work than an individual problem, when possible it leaves a toxic environment. You deserve to work in a community that nurtures your soul and invites you to do the good work you’ve been called to do.

However, when this letting goes is not possible, give yourself time to grieve the abuse, create temporal and physical distance between you and the bully, allow your close friends to act as a buffer, take time to practice toxic reactions, and enact forms of resistance to regain your power.

Advice for targets of abuse in the workplace

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