Some of the most devastating things that happen to us in our relationships with narcissists happen in our conversations with them. Narcissists confuse us with circular conversations.
By using our verbal interactions with them against us, they somehow manage to convince us and others that we are at fault for what is going on in the relationship, and they manage to slowly take our votes.
How did they manage to do both?
The basic mechanism is to deny that we have a right to a point of view at all.
goes like this.
Maybe you have questions or concerns and you lied or didn’t get a straight answer. The narcissist will inevitably use multiple methods to deflect or be told the topic is taboo
Or, the narcissist may say something inflammatory or pick a fight with you that you will never be able to win. You said or did something they didn’t like or the narcissist made something out of the blue. Then he or she refuses to engage in a rational discussion with you about it and nothing you say seems to matter. They’ve made up their minds and you’re left with no way to defend yourself.
No matter who initiates the conversation, the narcissist doesn’t seem to care what you have to say and has no interest in coming up with a mutually satisfactory solution.
Read : How To Trust Your Gut And Stand Up For Yourself When Your Man Says You’re Overreacting
Three very important things happen in these circular conversations:
Using a variety of highly unpleasant behaviors, narcissists punish us for either bringing up conversation topics they don’t like or not ending conversations when we finish discussing a topic. They make us feel high maintenance or selfish for raising valid concerns.
If we react to the way they act in these circular conversations (for example, the tactics they use to avoid engaging in a real discussion), it gives them the ammunition they need to blame the problems in relationships on us, further shaming us. Silence and conditioning us not to speak.
Because our insecurities are rarely dealt with and rarely heard or validated, our self-esteem erodes over time and our sense of humanity within a relationship begins to fade.
For example, Shannon Thomas says in her book Healing from Hidden Abuse, “When a survivor tries to talk to a psychologically abusive person about their negative behaviors, toxic people’s favorite maneuver is to simply not respond… when a survivor asks why they haven’t responded, the toxic person will spin the situation and say something like, “I’m not going to argue with you.” Can you see what just happened? The survivor was blamed for causing drama or argument, and the toxic person didn’t address their behaviors.”
Only in this interaction did the narcissist punish the partner with silence, accuse the partner of being the source of the problems in the relationship, and ignore the original concerns the partner had about what the narcissist was doing.
As relationships continue, the narcissist’s partners learn to walk a line divided by language.
Circular conversations have become the flashpoint to keep the peace and yet embrace a pathological view of the world in which we are blamed for causing trouble by “talking.” However, the narcissist is not at fault for any wrongdoing—or raising their voice and being further shamed, threatened, and abused.
How circular conversations with narcissists unfold: An example
The conversation below is a conversation my ex-boyfriend and I had over text during the period we were still in touch.
Examining exactly what these circular conversations look like can help shed light on the tactics they use to try to avoid giving partners what they want in conversations: answers, validation, acknowledgment, apologies, concessions, or promises.
Because of the different ways he responded to what I would ask, it took me over 2 hours to have this conversation. However, it is relatively benign as he does not end up getting angry, using insults, or refusing to discuss anything. He wasn’t opposed, but the conversation was no less stressful, for reasons I’ll discuss below.
Me: May I ask a question? Seriously, I want to know her answer… Why do you still want to see me? What do you feel like getting out of it?
Him: Peace. happiness. It makes me alive n happy. Why do you want to see me and what do you get out of it? Ur love of my life Christine believe it or not.
Me: You say I love your life and yet sometimes you’re mean about petty things… and you walk out or act tough for such small reasons. How do we cherish our time together? How does that make you happy?
Him: I haven’t done that in a while.
Me: Well like three weeks. And we’ve only seen each other twice since the last time that happened.
