Do women like violent men, and this is why so many women are subjected to psychological, emotional, and physical violence at the hands of men?
“It’s because women like violent men rather than good men.”
This is the crux of many of the comments that follow domestic violence episodes. A woman was thrown out of a window by her partner, resulting in a paraplegic. “Well, she entered the house of her own free will.” A woman who is repeatedly beaten by her husband? “Well, you married him, right.”
A girl is psychologically abused by her boyfriend to the point of suicide? “This will teach her to go for the jocks instead of giving nice guys like me a chance.” I once saw someone talking about the “hybrid crossover,” claiming that women “love falling in love with violent, dangerous men.”
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Women are looking for it, so they have no right to complain. They deserve to be punished for their bad choices.
Suffering from comforting amnesia, these self-appointed judges forget that often, after the violence is finally revealed—in many cases after the victim has been murdered—acquaintances of the couple react with some amazement. “But he was a nice man, neighbor, fellow—nothing to suggest he could do any such thing. He might have flipped. Who knows what that witch did to make him lose his mind like that.” Many times, all I did was just try to leave, perhaps after reporting multiple incidents of violence to the police.
So, it is always your fault. If you stay out of fear, because you know it will kill you if you try to escape, that’s why you didn’t leave. If you leave and he kills you, “Why did you go out with him if he was that bad.” And anyway, “But he was always nice to me, so I don’t think it’s true.”
According to them, the abuser greets you with a punch in the face on your first date, and you immediately run to buy a wedding dress. During the relationship, the abusers distributed daily abuse reports to every golfing neighbor, colleague, and friend.
I wish I could find a way to make those who have never tried understand how absurd, and mind-boggling it is for your abuser to seem so completely beyond suspicion. He is generous, playful, and attractive to everyone else. That he is always tipping the waiters, serving drinks at the bar, doing anyone a favor, and stopping to let old ladies cross the road. And in the beginning, when you were among the endless stream of people he wanted to impress to pump up his ego, he was with you, too.
You don’t fall in love with a violent man, with the cruel, angry beast that you end up marrying. She falls in love with a completely ordinary guy, kind, simple, and friendly, who is popular with everyone. And this is the guy you keep seeing every time you’re in public. And it’s mind-boggling to watch him go to such lengths for strangers, to build up a sparkling reputation with everyone – especially girls trying to go to bed – only to turn into a monster once you’re alone with him.
You’re sure the guy you’ve known for so long, and with whom you fell in love, is the “real”: the beast is an intruder, and once you catch what you’re doing wrong unleash it, he’ll revert to his usual loving kind. You are sure that you are in a relationship with a completely normal person: how can you understand that when he seems to have two opposite personalities while you seem to be the only person in the world who knows the Beast? You feel like crazy.
I know very well that none of the members of the fan club he works so hard to maintain could imagine the monster I saw; He will still attract new fans and have a great reputation with all.
It’s one of the reasons I never spoke up: I knew no one would believe me. As angry as that makes me, I can’t blame them. It is meaningless, without reason, without logic: for an ordinary person, who has never experienced it firsthand, it is impossible to imagine or understand it. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, and it still seems unbelievable.
Even when I watched him go from one character to another in the blink of an eye, it was just so ridiculous I couldn’t believe it. How could our friends imagine that the fun, hilarious guy who was buying a round of beer just yelled at me like an animal, leaving me to cry in the parking lot? As soon as he walked out of the tavern his face changed, and turned into a storm of rage and hatred that made him look murderous and insane – and I would spend the evening terrified that he would attack me again for no. reason?
Related: When Your Partner Stops Giving: The Silent Pain Of Emotional Withholding
No, women do not fall in love with violent men. We fall in love with an ordinary man, and we end up trapped because it is impossible to imagine that an ordinary man could have two personalities and that the person we have loved for months or years—the one everyone knows and loves—could be a mask.
I realize how difficult it is to understand, but I hope those who are not educated about domestic violence will refrain from looking for a “simple and logical” explanation for situations that are anything but simple and logical.
