Many people who end up in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone with NPD are not prepared to deal with the level of unwarranted anger and blame directed at them. When you lack the tools to deal with this kind of attack, or when nothing you try seems to work, you may eventually decide to fight fire with fire and use your narcissistic partner’s weapons against them.
You may conclude: They feel free to blame and berate me. Maybe if I give them a dose of their own medicine, this madness will stop.
This is usually a last resort, if you don’t have NPD yourself. Unfortunately, this tactic rarely works. Instead of backing down and treating you better, most people with NPD respond by escalating their abusive behavior. The fight gets more intense and ugly. Now there are two of you who are bad, instead of just one. And in my experience, the narcissistic partner usually wins because they are willing to do almost anything to maintain the upper hand.
Additionally, when narcissists feel attacked, they often easily forget what they did to provoke you. They are likely to interpret your retaliatory actions as justification for whatever bad thing they want to do to you. This may include portraying you as the real abuser to friends and family and portraying themselves as the innocent victim.
(Note: I use the terms “narcissist” and “narcissist” as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)
How did this miserable, unwinnable situation come about? Most people go through a fairly predictable set of stages when they find themselves in this type of relationship:
Stage 1: Shock and Denial
The beginning. Everything was going great and then your narcissistic partner gets upset over something trivial that others might not notice. It could be as simple as a word you used or the tone of your voice. Suddenly, you’re in the middle of a fight.
Blame. Anything you say or do that is designed to defuse the situation and make it clear that you didn’t mean to hurt your partner’s feelings is further evidence of your responsibility. You literally can’t win unless you get down on your hands and knees and beg for forgiveness—and that’s definitely not a win.
Denial. What’s even stranger is that everything you said or did was in response to something terrible your partner said or did. However, narcissists tend not to acknowledge their role in creating and perpetuating this type of fight. Your partner may shout abuse at you, and if you finally raise your voice and say, “Please stop,” all they process is that you raised your voice: “How dare you!” This is now portrayed as entirely your fault.
Your response. Some people recognize this as emotional abuse and end the relationship there.
If you stayed, you probably did so because you didn’t really understand how bad the relationship was. Yes, you were shocked and upset, but you were also probably in a bit of denial. You can’t understand why it happened and you want everything to go back to the way it was when it was good. So, you focus on all the good parts of the relationship and tell yourself that your partner was just in a bad mood and that something like that won’t happen again.
Stage 2: Frequent Fights
Now the ratio of good times to bad times has changed dramatically. Your partner constantly criticizes you. If you try to defend yourself, they accuse you of arguing. You now take the blame for everything that goes wrong in your partner’s life.
If your partner had a bad day at work, it’s entirely your fault because you wanted to stay up late watching the awards show last night. If your partner is depressed because the house is messy, instead of suggesting that they spend some time cleaning, it’s somehow your fault and responsibility. You left the dishes in the sink. Not to mention that their dirty clothes are all over the living room.
Stage 3: Sanctions
Now you’ve been identified as the enemy. You’re no longer just a “know-nothing idiot,” but now you’re a “crazy, evil, malicious bitch (or bastard). Your loving partner now feels entitled to punish you.
Punishments can be anything from being pushed away from you on the street, to being humiliated in public, to being threatened with being thrown out of the car and forced to walk you home, or refusing to go with you to your cousin’s wedding at the last minute.
If they are the physically abusive type, a cup of coffee might be thrown at your head. Or they might escalate the abuse and start slapping, pushing, or punching you when they get upset with you.
Warning: Once the physical abuse starts, it is likely to continue. They will try to blame you for provoking them. Get away before you get seriously hurt.
Stage 4: Acting Like Them
If you are still holding your ground, you may feel completely justified in responding to whatever they do to you. They lash out. You lash out. They blame you for their problems and mistakes. You lash out back.
You haven’t really acquired narcissistic traits, but you are using typical narcissistic coping mechanisms to try to deal with the situation.
But if revenge doesn’t help, what does?
The only thing that really works is to get out of the relationship and not look back. Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn’t get better on its own. There are effective treatments, but they take years of hard work with a therapist who is well-trained in diagnosing and treating narcissistic disorders. Your partner must spend years in therapy before you see any serious, lasting improvement in their behavior. Most narcissists refuse to go to therapy in the first place, or if they do, they leave after a few sessions.
Sometimes, when you’ve had enough and are ready to leave, your narcissistic partner may suddenly start acting nicer toward you. They may say, “I’ve come to my senses. I realize I love you. It’s all my fault. I’ll do anything to make things better. Please stay.” This can be very nice to hear after all the abuse and ugliness. Unfortunately, no matter what you’re promised, it doesn’t change the fundamental fact that without intensive treatment, the pattern of abuse will repeat itself over and over again.
The End
The harsh truth is that if your abusive partner has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there’s not much you can do to change the relationship for the better. Being nicer won’t help in the long run. Nor will being mean. Being in a relationship with a highly narcissistic person generally ends up leaving the non-narcissist feeling abused, alone, insecure, and frustrated.
