It all starts with an attachment and a turbulent relationship…
“All happiness or unhappiness depends solely on the quality of [the person] to whom we fall in love.” -Baruch Spinoza
Meet Stephen. Stephen decided to become a psychoanalyst. Before class begins, the Graduate School requires students to spend a year in therapy.
Six months later, Stephen was doing well. Show signs of a healthy and stable mind. So much so that a particular therapist thinks he will need no more than a few years, compared to other students who need an average of four years.
Then he met Leah. He fell in love within weeks.
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Leah, the aspiring actress, was beautiful. But it was toxic. It has sent mixed signals about committing to a relationship, leaving Stephen uneasy. After two months of the relationship, Stephen’s behavior began to completely change.
Every 20 minutes Stephen would check his cell phone to see if she had answered his texts, Facebook messages, or emails. He started missing deadlines for his programming job. He started spending an extraordinary time chatting with Leah in a popular online chat room… under a fake profile.
He was obsessed. It was ruining his life.
Stephen’s handler was dumbfounded. How could his most promising student turn into his worst? Stephen’s behavior began to show borderline masochistic personality traits.
A masochist or just sensitive?
Our environment sculpts the kind of person we become. Without computers, there would be no programmers. Without cars, there would be no Uber drivers. Humans, by nature, can adapt.
Attachment theory is one of the most extensively researched theories about adaptability in interpersonal relationships. Attachment theory states that our relationships affect how we feel about ourselves. This begins in our childhood.
Our relationships with our parents give us a blueprint for how adults should relate. It affects the way we believe in ourselves and what we deserve in love as we begin to come of age.
In his relationship with Leah, Stephen lives in constant fear. He feels like he’s been walking a tightrope without a safety net, fumbling anxiously to maintain his emotional balance. Unending cycles of anxiety with only rare moments of peace and security.
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A relationship that creates an anxious person is one with an unavailable partner who behaves in ways that avoid closeness. This behavior is toxic to the anxious partner and consumes them in a flurry of thoughts that all point to the same goal: how they can restore their closeness to their partner.
If your partner responds to you in a way that re-establishes security in your relationship, you will calm down and go back to watching cats dread cucumbers on Youtube. But if they don’t, you literally can’t function without the reassurance that the relationship is okay.
Stephen’s obsessive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors were prompted by the fact that Leah wasn’t available to him, even though he may have felt it was just a part of love.
For all his anxiety and insecurities, Stephen, like many others, had a hard time breaking up with his toxic sweetheart. He was drowning in the beliefs common to sensitive people: the belief that she would change, or that every relationship had similar problems. It took a year for him to find his self-respect to undo things for good.
Why do we love toxic relationships?
Are we attracted to people who affirm our beliefs about love? Some studies show that anxious partners choose avoiders, and avoiders are attracted to anxious partners.
Watch this video to learn about the signs of troubled relationships:
Isn’t it strange that partners who fiercely guard their independence seek partners who are more likely to invade their independence? Why are people who crave closeness in a relationship attracted to people who push them away?
Each strategy complements the other because it reaffirms others’ beliefs about themselves and their relationships.
Avoiders’ self-perception of being independent is only confirmed by the needy partner who is trying to take that away from them. The anxious partner’s belief that he wants more intimacy from his partner is confirmed by the partner who avoids closeness.
So, in a strangely unhealthy way, these couples are drawn to each other because it reinforces the familiar script of how they think love should be.
As you can see, specific relationships elicit specific reactions. These reactions are then interpreted to confirm our inner beliefs about ourselves and our relationships.
roller coaster relationship
In Stephen’s case, the subtle indicators of uncertainty and unavailability given by Leah made him feel insecure. This is typical. An anxious partner receives mixed signals. The avoidant partner calls but takes his time to do so. He shows that he is interested in you, but he makes sure that you understand that he is not committed to you.
You left me guessing.
Every time you receive a mixed message, your attachment system gets activated and you become obsessed with the relationship. But then your partner compliments you or makes a romantic gesture that makes your heart flutter and tells you that he loves you.
Related: 8 Signs The Man You’re Dating Has Low Self-Esteem and Why You Need To Move On
But bliss is as quick as a child blowing out the candles on a cake. Positive messages quickly become ambiguous.
You find yourself twisted and unexpectedly rejected. You are beginning to live in the excitement of the next little gesture that will give you the reassurance you so desperately crave.
When toxic anxiety feels like love
Eventually, you begin to confuse anxiety, obsession, and those very short bursts of passion with love. Your attachment beliefs make you so desperate to make a troubled relationship work that you unconsciously confuse your constantly activated attachment system with emotion.
Related Topics: Anxiety Disorder: How to Understand and Control Your Toxic Thoughts
If you have had these turbulent relationships in the past, you will become programmed to be drawn to those individuals who are less likely to make you happy. Studies show that people with negative self-views tend to be drawn to partners who abuse them and undermine their feelings of self-esteem.
Having a partner undermines your self-worth and is not the intended nature of love.
Even Abraham Maslow argued that humans need a secure foundation of love and affection to reach their full potential. For that to happen, you need to be in a calm and secure relationship.
True love is a quiet lake. Although disagreements cause some ripples, water will always find a way to settle.
Had Leah been available to Stephen, his fears would have been removed the moment she started. Their availability would have prevented them from getting out of control.
Understanding how attachment systems affect your relationships is critical for people who find themselves in turbulent and unfulfilled relationships. A deep understanding of yourself and the kind of people you love gives you a chance for a happy and fulfilling relationship.
If we form harmful beliefs about ourselves in our relationships, then only the relationships can form healthy beliefs. To reshape your beliefs about your relationships, you need to enter into a secure relationship.
If you are single, the best option is to make a date with someone safe. They change your beliefs by providing you with the reassurance you need and preventing any hardships before they happen.
Unfortunately, our beliefs tend to prevent us from being attracted to such healthy lovers. They are bored and bored because their views of others do not align with our views of ourselves.
Related: 7 Common Manipulative Phrases and How To Shut Them Down
The second and most promising method for those who are single or in a relationship is to find a relationship coach or therapist who fully understands attachment theory. They will help you dismantle toxic beliefs and build a foundation for secure relationship skills that will develop healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Let’s check out Stephen.
After two years and learning a lot about his attachment tendencies, Stephen finds himself in an amazingly healthy relationship. That relationship enabled him to return to his resilient self.
Today, when he looks at his relationship with Leah, he is shocked. How could he waste many hours of therapy examining the deeply rooted beliefs of his “crazy” behavior in his relationship with Leah? Only if he ends the relationship and meets an available woman sooner; A woman who did not constantly reinforce his deepest fears about love.
We often seek out relationships that provide us with feelings that affirm our self-views and run away from those that don’t. By not being aware of attachment beliefs, you risk suffering a great deal in relationships. You are just as upset as the relationship you are in. So choose your partner wisely. Your happiness depends on it.
