Love is supposed to be a dream, but often we attract the wrong people.
Take the following nightmare scenario:
I fell in love with someone who seemed perfect. The connection was strong and the attraction was burning.
Then things started to get serious and red flags started popping up.
Turns out this person is a manipulative and selfish narcissist.
This probably isn’t the first time this has happened either…
I can feel your frustration from here, and I share that. You want answers and a solution.
especially:
Why did this happen and how can you break this cycle?
Let’s move on to that…
Why do you attract narcissists?
Every relationship is different.
But if you continue to find that you are attracting narcissists, there are four main reasons why:
1) You have low self-esteem
The first and most common reason you might attract a narcissist is because you have low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem is not always obvious. You may think you feel good about yourself. But dig beneath the surface and see what’s there.
There is often a deep feeling of insecurity or feelings of inadequacy.
These types of weaknesses are pure gold to the narcissist. They know how to handle your doubts about yourself and make you feel self-worth only by their service and praise.
When you don’t feel good enough, even unconsciously, this often attracts a narcissist who will exploit your insecurities to manipulate and exploit you for validation.
The fact that narcissists are attracted to you is only half the equation.
The other half is why you’re attracted to them or even giving them a chance.
2) You are simply too kind
Being a kind and respectful person is a wonderful thing.
But this can go too far.
Oftentimes, the over-eager “nice guy” or the typical people-pleasing woman inadvertently rolls out a welcome mat for the worst types of narcissists out there.
People who expect others to serve them and want constant praise and recognition are always looking for a new source of validation.
If you are too kind and put up with selfish and pushy people without adhering to your boundaries, they will likely view you as a prime target.
I’ll talk about how to balance being a nice, kind person and standing up for yourself a little bit here.
For now, let’s move on to the next point about why you keep attracting narcissists…
3) I was raised by narcissistic parents
One of the most common reasons to attract narcissists is because you grew up with them.
When your parent or parent is a narcissist, it can sabotage your concept of love and affection.
I have unconsciously picked up many ways of giving and receiving love that are not healthy.
If you were raised by a narcissist, you probably weren’t loved early enough and always had a feeling of having to “prove” your worth.
Now you continue to attract narcissists who feel this need for you and take advantage of it to satisfy their endless insecurities and need for validation.
4) You are stuck in the role of rescuer
The fourth reason you may attract narcissists is because you have learned how to love in a codependent manner and have a savior complex.
Rescuer complex is a common feature of codependent relationships.
It generally shows one individual wanting to “save” or “fix” another. The second individual plays the role of the “victim” or the one who needs to be rescued.
This is the ideal setting for a narcissist because it allows him to embrace the full range of victim mentality and victim behaviors.
They may use shame, guilt, aggression, or pity to try to get you to do whatever they want.
They expect all sympathy but will give no response. They want you to be their savior on call.
Doesn’t sound very romantic, does it?
Uncover your role
It takes two people to tango.
The fact that a narcissist is attracted to you does not mean you have to accept them.
In general, the role you play is more under your control and therefore more beneficial to focus on.
In other words, even if the narcissist finds you to be the guy or girl of his dreams, you have the ability not to fall into the trap.
The key lies in how you respond and process trauma and how you express yourself to your partners in romantic interactions.
If you attract a lot of narcissists, it’s often because you’ve become patient and kind in dealing with those in pain.
That’s a good thing, probably.
But it has to be with the right person – someone who won’t abuse or take advantage of your patience and kindness!
In other words, the same openness that can make you a prime target for a narcissist can make you a loving and appreciative partner for someone else.
Being kind, loving, and understanding to your partner is a good thing! As long as you don’t fall into dependence…
But being kind, loving, and understanding to a narcissistic partner who is just using you is not a good thing!
That’s why the key to breaking this cycle is to identify and avoid narcissists early, as well as deal with the more toxic aspects of your attraction to narcissists specifically.
Breaking the cycle
Breaking the cycle is about spotting the narcissist early and confronting and resolving the aspects of yourself that are drawn to their manipulation.
This involves five steps.
1) Healing past wounds
First and foremost, if you want to avoid ending up with a narcissist, you need to heal the wounds of the past.
This may include therapy, going to a spa, a great deal of self-reflection, or even talking to people from your past such as your parents who may have hurt or neglected you.
Try to make it more about healing than blaming.
None of us are perfect.
But until you experience the pain of past relationships that have distorted your ability to understand healthy love, you will tend to continue in the same quagmire.
2) Boost your self-confidence
As you may have noticed, narcissists feed off of low self-esteem and those who believe that they are somehow not good enough or need to take care of any attention they are given.
For this reason, boosting your self-confidence and self-esteem can be a major key in your arsenal.
Here are some tips to boost your self-confidence that I recommend:
- Double down on the skills you’re good at
- Learn new talents
- Practice the hobbies you love
- Try new activities and make new friends
- Exercising, running, and eating well
- Spend time with people who care about you and love you
- Put your own goals first and focus on what brings you satisfaction
- Volunteering or helping others
- Learn a new language, travel, explore
- Find out more about spirituality and your path to finding the truth
- Find your mission and purpose and follow it
- Be patient with singlehood and do not settle
There are many ways to boost self-confidence, but the bottom line is to remove the kinds of things that make you feel like you need external validation.
Focus on areas within your control that your efforts can bring closer to fruition.
3) Stick to your limits
The next step in how to break the cycle of being with a narcissist is to stick to your boundaries.
If you think about it, boundaries aren’t even real if you don’t stick to them.
This is easier said than done. There’s always a “just one more time” or a “maybe it will change”.
But you have to commit to your boundaries and be willing and able to cut things off when they cross your boundaries.
Which brings me to the next point:
How do you know if someone is a narcissist or not?
4) Spot red flags
Next, you need to work on spotting the red flags of a narcissist.
These include:
Playing the victim and shaming or condemning you if you don’t do things their way
Being completely deaf to your fears and perspective
Demand constant attention, praise, and validation
Being sexually or emotionally selfish consistently
Becoming very jealous or possessive of you without good reason
Sabotaging or belittling your achievements
- Making sarcastic and hurtful comments about you or your appearance
Playing with your feelings and deliberately arousing jealousy inside you
Final threats like breaking up if you don’t do what they want…
Making plans for the future for both of you without your input or approval…
These are just some of the many early red flags that can appear in a relationship with a narcissist.
Keep your eyes open for them and take them seriously when you see them appear.
If your partner does this very rarely, you need to think very seriously about leaving them behind.
First, communicate and let your concerns be heard. But if you continue to be treated this way, it’s not something you should put up with.
This brings me to my final point…
5) Be prepared to walk
If a narcissist can tell you that you don’t dare to leave him, he will test you within an inch of your sanity.
You must be truly willing to leave if the relationship becomes toxic or pathological narcissism emerges.
Remember, you don’t have to put up with toxic and abusive behavior. Even if you love your partner, it’s up to them to treat you in a way that adheres to the basics of respect and decency.
You have the absolute right to set your boundaries and stick to them.
If you are dating a narcissist and he or she is abusing and manipulating you, you have the right and obligation to yourself to leave that relationship.
