Take the following nightmare scenario:
I fell in love with someone who seemed perfect. The connection was strong and the attraction was on fire.
Then things started to get serious and red flags started popping up.
This person turns out to be a manipulative and selfish narcissist.
Perhaps this wasn’t the first time this had happened either…
I can sense your frustration from here, and I definitely share it. You want answers and a solution.
especially:
Why did this happen and how do you break the cycle?
Let’s move on to it…
Why do you attract narcissists?
Every relationship is different.
But if you find that you attract narcissists, there are four main reasons why:
1) You have low self-esteem
The first and most common reason why a narcissist is attracted to you is your low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem is not always obvious. You may think you feel good about yourself. But dig below the surface and see what’s out there.
There is often a deep sense of insecurity or a sense of inadequacy.
These types of vulnerabilities are pure gold for narcissists. They know how to take your self-doubt and make it so that you feel your own self-worth only when you serve and praise them.
When you don’t feel good enough, even subconsciously, this often attracts a narcissist who takes advantage of your insecurities to manipulate you and tease you for validation.
The fact that narcissists are attracted to you is only half of the equation.
Your other half is why you are drawn to them or even give them a chance.
2) You are simply too cute
Being a kind and respectful person is great.
But this can go very far.
Too often, the typical people-pleasing “nice guy” or woman will inadvertently roll out a welcome rug for the worst kind of narcissist.
People who expect others to serve them and want constant praise and recognition are always looking for a new source of validation.
If you are very kind and put up with selfish and impulsive people without sticking to your boundaries, they are more likely to see you as a prime target.
I’m going to go over how to balance being a sweet and nice person with standing up for yourself a bit here.
For now, let’s move on to the next point on why narcissists still attract…
3) I was raised by narcissistic parents
One of the other most common reasons narcissists are attracted to is that you were raised by them.
When your parents or one of your parents is narcissistic, it can really sabotage your concept of love and affection.
You have unconsciously picked up on the many ways of giving and receiving love that are unhealthy.
In fact, if you were raised by a narcissist, chances are you weren’t loved early enough and constantly felt the need to “prove” your worth.
You now attract and leverage narcissists who feel needed to satisfy their endless insecurities and need for validation.
4) You are stuck in the role of savior
The fourth reason why you attract narcissists is because you have learned how to love codependently and you have a rescue complex.
The rescuer complex is a common feature of codependent relationships.
It is generally characterized by an individual who wants to “save” or “fix” the other. The second individual plays the role of the “victim” or the person who needs to be saved.
This is the perfect setup for the narcissist, as it allows him or her to embrace the full spectrum of victim mentality and victim behaviors.
They may use shame, guilt, aggression, and pity to try to get you to do whatever they want.
They expect all sympathy but will not return anything. They want you to be their personal savior on call.
Doesn’t sound very romantic, does it?
Reveal your role
It takes two people to tango.
The fact that a narcissist is attracted to you does not mean you have to accept.
In general, the role you play is more under your control and therefore more beneficial to focus on.
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In other words, even if the narcissist finds out that you are the boy or girl of his dreams, you have the power not to fall into the trap.
The key lies in how you respond to and process trauma and how you express yourself to partners in romantic interactions.
If you attract a lot of narcissists, it is usually because of your patience and kindness in dealing with those who are in pain.
This is probably a good thing.
But it has to be with the right person — someone who won’t abuse or take advantage of your patience and kindness!
In other words, the same openness that can make you a prime target for a narcissist can also make you a loving and appreciative partner for another.
Being kind, loving, and understanding to your partner is a good thing! As long as you don’t fall into dependence on others…
But being kind, loving, and understanding to a narcissistic partner who is just using you is not a good thing!
Which is why the key to breaking the cycle is recognizing narcissists early and avoiding them, as well as dealing with the more toxic aspects of your attraction to narcissists specifically.
break the cycle
Breaking the cycle is about spotting narcissists early and confronting and resolving aspects of them that are drawn to their manipulation.
This involves five steps.
1) Healing wounds from the past
First and foremost, if you want to avoid ending up with narcissists, you need to heal the wounds of the past.
This may involve therapy, going on a trip, a great deal of self-reflection or even talking to people from your past such as your parents who may have abused or neglected you.
Try to make it more about healing than blaming.
None of us are perfect.
But until you face the pain of past relationships that distorted your ability to understand healthy love, you will have a tendency to continue to end up in the same quagmire.
2) Boost your confidence
As you point out, narcissists thrive on low self-esteem and those who think they are somehow not good enough or need attention for whatever attention they get.
For this reason, boosting your confidence and self-worth can be a major key in your arsenal.
Here are some tips to boost your confidence that I recommend:
Double your skills
Learn new talents
Do you like hobbies
Try new activities and make new friends
Work out, run and eat well
Spend time with people who care about you and love you
Put your goals first and focus on what gets you accomplished
Volunteer or help others
Learn a new language, travel, explore
Find out more about spirituality and your path to finding the truth
Find your mission and purpose and follow through on it
Be patient to be single and not settle
There are many ways to boost self-confidence, but the bottom line is to remove the kinds of things that make you feel like you need external validation.
Focus on the areas that are within your control and where your efforts can bring them closer to fruition.
3) Stick to your limits
The next step in how to break the cycle of being with narcissists is to stick to your boundaries.
If you think about it, boundaries aren’t real even if you don’t stick to them.
Obviously this is easier said than done. There is always “just one more time” or “maybe it will change”.
But you have to really stick to your limits and be willing and able to cut things when you cross your limits.
Which brings me to the next point:
How do you know when someone is a narcissist or not?
4) Red bunting spot
Next, you need to work on spotting the narcissist’s red flags.
These include:
Playing the victim and defamation or guilt if she doesn’t do things her way
Being completely silent with your concerns and point of view
Demands constant attention, praise, and validation
Being sexually or emotionally selfish on a consistent basis
Becoming very jealous or possessive of you for no good reason
Sabotage or belittle your accomplishments
Making sarcastic or hurtful comments about you or your appearance
Playing games with your feelings and intentionally making you jealous
Threatening ultimatums are like breaking up if you don’t do what you want…
Making plans for the future for both of you without your input or approval…
These are just some of the early red flags that can appear in a relationship with a narcissist.
Keep your eyes open for them and take them seriously when you see them appear.
If the partner does this more than very rarely, then you need to think very seriously about leaving them behind.
First, reach out and let your concerns be heard. But if you continue to be treated this way, it’s not something you should put up with.
Which brings me to my last point…
5) Be willing to walk
If a narcissist can say you don’t have the courage to leave them, they will test you within an inch of your sanity.
You have to be really ready to leave if the relationship becomes toxic or pathological narcissism emerges.
Remember, you don’t have to put up with toxic and abusive behavior. Even if you truly love your partner, it is up to them to treat you in a way that adheres to basic respect and decency.
You have the absolute right to set your own boundaries and stick to them.
If you are dating a narcissist and they are abusing and manipulating you, you have the right and the obligation to yourself to leave that relationship.
do not forget this …
You will end up with the love you think you deserve deep down.
Know your worth, weed out narcissists early and make sure of yourself.
You deserve true love and a rewarding, mutual relationship with someone who deserves your kindness and affection.
