Have you ever wondered why so many people (sometimes including you) choose to stay in bad relationships, despite knowing that they deserve better? Well, the experts might have the answer to that.
I will admit that I have been in my fair share of unhappy relationships. What’s worse, I stayed in it for longer than I should have. Although they weren’t the happiest of relationships, they weren’t necessarily bad relationships.
There was no abuse, no cheating, no blatant disrespect, and no insane amount of argument. There was quite a bit of good in those relationships. They treated me well and we had a great time together. And that may be part of the problem – there was enough good in it to convince me to stay. It is enough to let go of my underlying feelings of dissatisfaction. It’s enough to think I was happy.
And I was somewhat happy, but not happy enough.
This isn’t necessarily a problem when you’re young and new to the dating world. It’s the whole point of dating – to experiment and discover what kind of relationship you want in the long run. But as you get older and these tests get longer, it can be easy to get stuck. Before you know it, intimacy can feel like love and the time you spend turns into reasons to stay.
Before you know it, you’re happy…but you’re not happy enough.
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Why is this happening? Why do we stay in good relations? Why are we willing to accept love less than it?
First things first: what doesn’t look happy enough? This can be the tricky part because a lot of the time it just looks so good. Maybe your partner is nice to you and does nice things for you. Maybe you have a great group of friends and you rarely fight. The problem is usually not looking from the outside in but from the inside out.
“Most of the time, we know we’re not happy in the relationship, but we usually suppress that feeling because we don’t want to admit it,” says Reisman, LISW-S and psychotherapist. We hide our true feelings even from ourselves. However, our unhappiness will always leave clues.
According to Reisman, here are indicators your current relationship may not be the right one:
- You find yourself sharing more of your daily life with friends and family than with your partner.
- You often find yourself judging things your partner says or does.
- The thought of going somewhere with your partner just makes you want to stay home.
- It’s hard for you to come up with positives about your relationship.
- Your partner often criticizes you.
- You don’t feel respected by your partner.
Whether our unhappiness speaks in clear signs or quiet minutes, as with most things in life, we must understand it to overcome it. Let’s take a look at the forces that drive us to stay in the wrong relationship.
Here are 4 reasons why we stay wrong
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- We don’t want to be alone.
At a certain point in life, the elk lose its cool, and being the third wheel is normal. We want couch dates, double dates, and extras. “For a lot of us, it’s better to be in a somewhat working relationship than to be alone at night, on weekends, etc,” says Reisman. Having one person can be better than no one.
But this is a slippery slope because the longer we stay, the harder it is to leave. According to clinical psychologist and author of Joy From Fear Dr. Carla Manley, “The longer an unhappy person’s relationship lasts, the more afraid they will be of leaving and starting over.” Because with time comes the mixing of spirits.
Soon our fear of isolation extends far beyond just our partner. Reisman explains that we don’t want to be separated from our friends, family, or certain places we used to go together, like a gym or a bar. At a certain point in the relationship, we will not separate from our partner anymore. We would become disconnected from everything and everyone who came with us, from parents to pets, which only increases our fear of being alone.
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- We avoid change.
Breakups bring a lot of change, and not just a change in our relationship status. They can change their daily routine, living conditions, and even finances. “Often, comfort is the biggest driving force for staying in a relationship,” says Reisman. It may sound silly but think about it – finding an apartment, finding a roommate, buying furniture, changing your address, even signing up for your Netflix account – all of these things are time-consuming, annoying, expensive, and often difficult to do. with it.
But as Reisman explains, “The comfort with staying in an unhappy relationship is often about fear of being alone, dealing with rejection, and being judged by others for not being able to make the relationship work.” It may seem easier – both logistically and emotionally – to maintain the status quo.
Dr. Manly agrees that convenience extends past logistics and finances. “Some people stay in relationships to maintain a facade to the outside world,” she says. In these situations, she continues, we place the perception of others above our inner health, choosing to appear happy rather than be happy.
Why do we do this? “I see people staying in relationships because they fear they’ll be uncomfortable,” says Lauren Cook, MMFT and author of The Name of Your Story: How to Talk Honestly About Mental Health and the Sunny Side: Celebrating Happiness.
She points out the irony that while we avoid experiencing the unpleasant, uncomfortable feelings that come with a breakup (such as sadness, fear, and isolation), we usually experience those feelings anyway by staying in our current relationship. “People can be very averse to change, so they’ll work hard to stay comfortable in an uncomfortable relationship,” Cook explains.
Perhaps the biggest change that breakups bring is the transition from the known to the unknown. “The knowledge long-term partners have is a valuable commodity,” says Andrew Aaron, LICSW. We know the nuances of each other – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Turning life as we know it upside down means facing a side we haven’t seen yet. Enter our fear of the unknown.
Ultimately, ending a relationship means change, and change is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. “All of this makes it difficult for people to admit that their relationship isn’t making them as happy as they could be,” says Reisman.
- We don’t want to fail.
Maybe it’s because of the time we’ve already been in the relationship, or maybe it’s just what you’ll look like in the outside world, or maybe it’s simply a stubborn attitude. But for many of us, we just can’t seem to let go.
“Some people have a strong belief that they can make an unhealthy relationship work,” says Dr. Manly. This can take the form of trying to change our partner to try to change ourselves. We might go to therapy, attend workshops, read books, and try every other self-work strategy we can fit into our lives. But as Dr. Manley points out, “If one partner is indifferent, uninvested, or lethargic about the work it takes to create a healthy relationship, there is generally no hope for improvement.”
Each partner must commit to working on the relationship or we will fight a losing battle.
It’s even more complicated when the relationship is one that the outside world doesn’t agree with. Not only do we want to fail, but we certainly don’t want to be wrong. In these situations, our stubborn attitude can be a double-edged sword.
As Aaron points out, “A lot of people will go to great lengths to avoid a situation where someone else says, ‘I told you so.’” We’re determined to make it work, no matter the cost.
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- We don’t think we deserve to be happy.
The cost is our happiness – living life and love, less than we deserve. Herein lies the deeper issue. “In some cases, individuals stay in bad relationships because they feel they don’t deserve a good relationship,” says Dr. Manley. Life experiences have left us feeling broken or unloved, causing us to accept a relationship that we know is wrong.
It only causes the cycle to continue. “It’s a fact that being in an unhappy relationship has a strong negative effect on self-esteem,” says Aaron. “Many partners don’t feel valued enough to attract another or confident enough to handle a lonely life.” It becomes a cycle – subverting the subconscious on repeat.
