Love hurts. No, not like those Hollywood movies or romance novels. True love is more messy, dirty and painful. No matter how much you love someone, you either get hurt or end up hurting someone you love.

love hurt

As the old saying goes, we hurt those we love the most. Yes, it sounds terrible, but there is actually some science to it. When we like someone, whether it be romantic or platonic, we let our guard down and become honest, open, and vulnerable with each other. While this would make our relationship stronger, it actually creates the ground on which we hurt those we love, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

We are fighting.
We argue.
we scream.
We ignore them.
We blame them for our mistakes.

Even though we feel shame and regret for our actions, our behavior ultimately creates fault lines in our relationships which leads to their premature end. In fact, researchers have found that we are more likely to show aggression towards the people we love and care about the most.

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According to a 2014 study, “the people we interact with the most (for example, family members, friends, romantic partners) are most likely to make us angry” and how we hurt people in the first place “depends on our relationship with them.” Researchers note that we can hurt our loved ones. Directly, such as physical or verbal abuse, or indirectly such as avoiding them or complaining about them to others. “Whether the harm takes the form of words or blows, aggression harms individuals and relationships,” the study adds.

However, when you understand that unintentionally hurting someone you love is a normal part of any relationship, it can help you control your toxic behavior and be more thoughtful about how to strengthen your relationship.

Reasons to hurt someone you love
Does your behavior with the one you love destroy your beautiful relationship? Do you keep hurting someone you love over and over again? Then there are some ugly truths that you need to realize. Here are some of the reasons why we hurt the ones we love the most –

1. Unrealistic expectations
   Expectations arise naturally in any relationship. But when you love someone more than others, your expectations can easily turn unrealistic and unreasonable. And when those expectations aren’t met, you can get angry and end up hurting someone you love. One of the main problems with these expectations is that they are often left unplugged because we expect our loved ones to read our thoughts and do exactly what we want. But as you already know, this never actually happens.

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What we fail to realize is that these unrealistic expectations of our loved ones and relationships lead to disappointment when they are not met. We start comparing our relationship to others and forget what makes our relationship meaningful. One 2011 study found that when we unrealistically view our romantic partner as an ideal, our marital satisfaction can decrease. The study adds: “People who believe their partner reflects their ideals may only be disappointed when time later reveals how their partner falls short of these lofty standards.”

The more valuable a person is to us, the higher our expectations of him. So when something goes wrong, we feel hurt and we hurt the other person in return. We have to realize that none of us are perfect and that we are all flawed. Instead of idealizing our loved ones, we need to accept them as they are and keep our expectations reasonable.

2. Unresolved past trauma

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So why do people hurt the ones they love? The reason may lie deep in our childhood experiences. Adverse childhood experiences can lead to unresolved trauma that we often unconsciously recreate as adults. And just like in life, most of us have had some traumatic experiences as children. Whether you were abused, neglected, neglected, or faced with any situation that left a deep scar on your mind and heart, past trauma can destroy our relationships as adults. It can cause us to act aggressively toward our parents, friends, and romantic partners. So if you’re still dealing with the effects of childhood trauma, chances are you’ll find yourself hurting someone you love.

Studies have shown that childhood trauma can lead to personality problems in adulthood. The researchers explain that past trauma “is associated with dominant rather than submissive personality styles in adulthood.” So if you were abused or harmed by your parents or others as a child, you are likely to mistreat your loved ones, especially your romantic partner, as an adult without even realizing it.

Unfortunately, our experiences shape our personality and identity, both positively and negatively. In adulthood, we inadvertently seek out the feelings we experienced as adults. So we act and act in ways that make the reactions of our friends, partners, or loved ones evoke our childhood memories and emotions. Yet we hurt those we love the most and burn our relationships to the ground. A 2020 study states that “cumulative childhood trauma (CCT) survivors are more likely to suffer from interpersonal problems including spousal dissatisfaction”.

3. Lack of communication

When you have poor communication skills, you may unintentionally end up hurting someone you love very much. Instead of expressing negative emotions, such as anger and frustration, healthily, you can express your difficult feelings in an unhealthy way. This can lead to passive-aggressive behavior, such as periodic arguments, giving silent or stalling treatment, criticism, etc. You may also assume what your loved one might think and react negatively without any actual reason.

Poor communication skills in relationships can cause unintended emotional pain for your loved ones and greatly weaken your relationship. Researchers have found that the quality of communication between loved ones can significantly influence their judgments about relationship satisfaction. A 2016 study revealed that “Communication plays a central role in models of relationship decline, as it is believed that intimate bonds remain strong to the extent that partners respond sensitively to each other.”

When you lack proper communication skills, you will not be able to share your feelings effectively, which will lead to confusion and chaos. If you fail to communicate your needs, expectations, and desires to your loved one, it will lead to bitterness and resentment. This, in turn, will lead to repeated arguments, criticism, and disparagement. When you consistently fail to express your feelings, you will find yourself hurting someone you love the most.

4. Attachment style
   Do you feel you don’t deserve to be loved? Feelings of unworthiness often develop because of an unhealthy attachment style in childhood that can complicate our relationships as adults. According to attachment theory, our attachment style includes how we emotionally interact and respond to others, including our interactions and behaviors with others. Our childhood attachment style can strongly influence our intimate relationships in adulthood.

The thing about love and relationships is that we are always seeking intimacy. Although unconsciously, we strive to be loved as we knew love in our childhood. Hence, we recreate the same relationship patterns in our adult intimate relationships that our parents or primary caregivers taught us.

If your childhood relationships were dominated by abuse, loss, or emotional pain, you likely developed an insecure or anxious-avoidant attachment style. Research shows that adults with insecure attachment styles tend to “feel more pain” than adults with secure attachments. Studies have also found that insecure attachment is strongly associated with low self-esteem, dysfunctional attitudes, anxiety, and depression. People with “anxiety-avoidant and anxiety-resistant attachment patterns have been reported to have behavioral problems, emotional difficulties, and social ineptitude.”

So if you were abused as a child and taught to love or receive love a certain way in your childhood, you will seek out or create the same patterns in your adult relationships. Thus, to get that familiar feeling of love, no matter how insecure or abusive, you may find yourself hurting someone you love.

When you have an unhealthy attachment style, you will frequently suppress your needs and emotions. However, you may remain needy, clingy, or dependent on the relationship which can lead to toxic behaviors.

Related: 12 Symptoms of Post Relationship Stress Disorder

5. Low self-esteem and self-sabotage
   When we lack self-esteem, it affects how we see ourselves and our self-confidence. We feel inadequate, incompetent, and unloved. We feel insecure and afraid of losing or letting our loved ones down. And out of this insecurity, toxic behaviors can arise that cause us to hurt those we love the most. When we see ourselves as unworthy, we end up sabotaging our relationships, intentionally or unintentionally.

Despite our desire to be loved and to build intimacy, our poor self-esteem forces us to destroy the emotional connection we share with our loved ones. Self-esteem issues make you believe that you are not worthy of being loved, and therefore you find it difficult to accept that your partner or loved one has strong, positive feelings for you. This leads to a certain level of mistrust, and thus you start to test how much your love is. You start criticizing and abusing them repeatedly just to test how far you can push them.

While you may be just looking for validation or trying to prove to yourself that your loved one does care about you no matter how bitter things are at the time, you will inadvertently end up hurting someone you love. On the contrary, you may think that your romantic partner is too good for you and could easily find someone better than you. This belief that you are not good enough for them will lead you to act aggressively in the relationship to break the emotional connection. This helps you subconsciously reaffirm what you mistakenly believe is true – you are not worthy of love.

These toxic, manipulative, and self-sabotaging behaviors are driven by low self-esteem. Not only will it hurt the person you love, but it will also lead to the breakup of the relationship. You have to tell yourself that you are not inappropriate and that you are loved. You deserve love and you deserve to be happy. You may also choose to see a therapist to work on your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

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Why do we hurt the ones we love?
Apart from the main reasons mentioned above, here are some other important factors that can make you hurt the person you love the most. take a look –

6. You don’t realize you’re hurting them
   You are probably so stressed out or so focused on your life and personal issues that you don’t realize that your loved one needs attention, validation, and appreciation from you. Instead of showing love and care, you end up hurting someone you love without thinking.
7. You are very comfortable with them
   Although a bit ambivalent, we often act tough on the person we feel most comfortable with. Because you are so comfortable with them, you are showing your true self instead of your best self. And our true selves are often flawed and not necessarily the best version.
8. You take them for granted
   You may find yourself hurting someone you love because they accept you as you are. However, their acceptance may cause you to take them for granted and thus make no effort to nurture the relationship. But realize that your loved one needs love and acceptance as much as you do, and therefore they may feel hurt.
9. You have emotional baggage
   If you were in a toxic relationship in the past, you may be carrying those negative patterns into your current relationship. You are unable to let go of all the pain you experienced or forgive your ex, so you are hurting your current partner.

10. You lack empathy
    If you repeatedly hurt someone you love, you may likely lack empathy and compassion. Because you are unable to walk in their metaphorical shoes and fail to understand their perspectives, you are unintentionally hurting their feelings.

11. You act impulsively
    If you are unable to control the negative behavior and hurting others quickly turns into a habit, you may suffer from impulsivity. It may be because you need attention or feel neglected but are unable to control your toxic behavior. Impulsivity can also be associated with some psychiatric disorders, such as ADHD, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder.
12. You fear commitment
    You may be afraid of committing to the relationship for various reasons, such as losing your freedom or doubting whether the person is the right one. Even though you may like the other person, you still feel like something isn’t right. So you may be hurting them without even realizing it because you are keeping an increasing distance from each other.
13. You feel safe by hurting them
    When you fear neglect, abandonment, or rejection from someone you love, you are likely to hurt them to protect yourself. By acting aggressively or attacking them, you are seeking more attention and hoping they will like you more.
14. You want out of the relationship
    You may not be completely happy with your relationship and feel somehow dissatisfied or unloved. Instead of speaking to your partner honestly, you are trying to manipulate them into leaving you. Hurting someone you love may be your way to end a relationship, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
15. You think love hurts
    You likely grew up in a home where conflict was normal, so now you associate love with criticism, arguments, and abuse. Fighting with your partner or loved one may be your way of showing affection and love.

16. You are in control
    You may want to control the relationship or you may be a controlling person. Because of this need to control, you intimidate, bully, or hurt the person you love.
17. You are jealous
    You envy what your loved one has achieved in life and secretly resent his success and happiness. Your jealousy may cause you to belittle their accomplishments or dismiss their success. This can make you hurt the person you love and destroy the relationship.
18. You are vindictive
    You may have been hurt intentionally or unintentionally by your partner, and instead of forgiving them or walking away from the relationship, you seek revenge by hurting them again. Your need for revenge may lead you to display toxic behavior and hurt them again.
19. You are a toxic person
    While you may sometimes find yourself hurting someone you love without realizing it, you may also enjoy inflicting emotional pain on your loved ones. You may be a narcissist and a toxic person who wants to boost their ego by putting others down. Hurting your loved ones may be a strategy for you to gain control and power in the relationship.

Here’s what to do if you’re hurting someone you love
Most of the reasons listed here for hurting someone you love are mainly psychological, emotional, or personal factors. This behavior is also associated with weakness or a lack of appropriate, open communication in a relationship. Other factors can include codependency and a lack of healthy personal boundaries. So the first step to stop hurting someone you love is to acknowledge the problems within yourself and start working on them. If you leave these mental, emotional, and interpersonal issues unresolved, it can lead to the end of your relationship.

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If you are unable to address the problems on your own, be sure to consult a therapist or mental health professional. Therapy can help you deal with self-esteem issues and develop a more positive attitude. Not only will you see yourself in a new light, but you’ll also take steps to nurture your loved one and nurture your relationship. Talking to a licensed mental health professional can help you overcome your negative behavior patterns and build better relationships.