Your silence says more than you realize. Everything you say hurts.
Does your partner only stop talking to you when you have a conflict, or when you do something they are not happy about? How does that work for your relationship? When your partner gives you the “silent treatment” to show disapproval, they’re broadcasting a lot about themselves.
But is there a reason why partners would do this to each other?
You want to show strength in the relationship (don’t do that!)
He thinks you’ll give in without him having to do or say anything (unlikely!)
She is willing to punish both of you by withholding love and/or intimacy (ouch!)
He lacks the skills to communicate and won’t risk trying (save yourself!)
You remember a previous argument that didn’t go well (so what?)
He’s afraid of losing an argument if he opens his mouth (get better skills!)
And you have a role in all of that, too. Apparently, the two of you haven’t learned how to communicate better, especially when things aren’t going well. Always look your part first when problems arise; Don’t resort to blaming as default.
A guy in my anger management class asked me, “How long does the ‘silent treatment’ usually last?” Interesting question, as I just learned how a cold shoulder is one step toward escalating anger and violence, and he actually sat down and took note.
I asked him, “How long does your wife go without speaking to you?”
“Six weeks.”
“Oh, this is more of a cold shoulder and the silent treatment. That is absolutely freezing.”
He needed to know that this was probably because she didn’t know how to communicate better about difficult things. You may feel afraid to bring things up because it didn’t go well with him before. Or, she learned to hold things back when she was still home with her family, and now she doesn’t trust that things with him will turn out differently.
Maybe she wanted to talk to him, I suggested, but she needed to feel safe doing so. Perhaps she longs for a real partnership and feels deeply cheated that she can’t safely share her feelings with him. It would be nice to talk about it very soon.
Was this their problem? Did he want to listen? Was he really able to hear? Or is he afraid of hearing that he is failing in some area and this possibility scares him?
It’s common for people to get scared, and then get very defensive. This often escalates into anger.
He is very sensitive. People can react in disproportionate ways when they feel someone is attacking their self-esteem, but that’s probably not what’s going on at all.
One spouse I worked with finally admitted—not easily—that no matter how gently the husband tried to talk about the things they needed to talk about, the wife shut him down and faulted him. She couldn’t bear the thought of anything wrong with her, her style, or her style.
It scared her to her core to think she still wasn’t good enough. She lived with that her whole life. Therefore, when her husband wanted to work things out, she took it as a personal blow and reacted with verbal violence. It’s closed so you don’t have to take any risks.
Her husband decided to suffer in silence. Finally, he couldn’t. It wasn’t until it became clear that she was losing him that she was willing to work for a real connection. That took work, but we did it.
Here are some ways to communicate effectively without using the silent treatment:
- Calm down before talking about the issue.
- Ask for time to talk about how you feel, without interruption or argument.
- Be willing to listen to your partner, without judgment or defense.
- Take responsibility for your feelings and refrain from blaming your partner for them.
- Demand what you want from your partner.
- Be prepared to hear “yes” or “no.” There are no “duties” in relationships.
